lupestripe: (Default)
lupestripe ([personal profile] lupestripe) wrote2009-09-08 11:43 am

Coming Out: Gay Or Furry

Because I came out as gay and furry at the same time, I don't know which one caused a greater problem with my parents. My Dad didn't care but my Mum had an issue with something. To be honest, I think it is more with furry than with me being gay (as she had gay friends at college and was perplexed by the furry thing) but it's difficult to be 100% sure.

I have heard from a few friends that they would find it far more difficult to come out as a furry than to come out as gay. Why this is, I am not too sure. It may be because homosexuality is becoming increasingly accepted in the Western World and it is now something that most people don't fear. In fact, many accept it as being "normal". Meanwhile, furry is far more niche.

But then to some, furry is merely an interest or hobby rather than a lifestyle. In some ways, it is no different to being into heavy metal or football or whatever. So why does it cause so many problems regarding coming out as a fur? I accept the media has portrayed a scewed image of furry but then, the same could be said for things like heavy metal or football. All heavy metal fans are Satanists, right? And football fans are all hooligans. Exactly. Yet coming out as a football fan or a heavy metal is going to be greeted by most parents with indifference.

It's an interesting dichotomy. Does anyone have any views or has anyone had any experiences with this?

[identity profile] metamorphosys.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 10:59 am (UTC)(link)
It is an interesting situation and I do not know why people find it easier to admit being gay than to being a furry but I think wider acceptance could be the main reason. It does not really matter if you are gay and/or furry as long as you are happy :) Take care mate.

[identity profile] rustyfox.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 11:13 am (UTC)(link)
Probably because it might come across as "You don't just prefer males, you prefer male dogs?" and that perception is a bigger mind-fuck.

[identity profile] rustyfox.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 11:51 am (UTC)(link)
*grin* I sometimes wonder exactly what my mother does know about me. Mothers know everything, after all.

But then I wonder exactly what secrets she conceals herself!

Nah, she never had a problem with the furry thing. Quite the contrary, she demonstrated a shocking interest in some of the finer 'art'.

[identity profile] shep-shepherd.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 12:37 pm (UTC)(link)
My mother is fascinated by the Shepsuit, although she has only ever seen photos of it. My father sees the whole furry thing (not to mention the Volvo duplicity) as part of my eccentricity. He says that as long as I'm enjoying myself, he's happy :)
Edited 2009-09-08 12:38 (UTC)

[identity profile] donkerewolf.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 12:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Both of my folks know about me :)

[identity profile] bariki.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 02:44 pm (UTC)(link)
It can be a knotty problem to deal with, that.

[identity profile] shep-shepherd.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 07:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Quite!

[identity profile] whitetomger.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 11:25 am (UTC)(link)
Homosexuality is easier to accept and even though the fandom is just a subculture it still has various perceptions attached to it that many won't understand, especially those of previous generations. I know my parents are somewhat open minded but at the end of the day they don't really need to know how I enjoy my free time so there's no point in bringing it up and potentially damaging a strong relationship with my parents

[identity profile] corellian-ninja.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 11:48 am (UTC)(link)
Even though I'm straight, if I were gay I think I could tell my parents that more easily. They know what a gay person is, and I know they are open minded about that and my mom openly supports gay rights.. They have no idea about furry, and if they DO have any inkling I think it's a negative one.
Football and metal have been around awhile, they know not all of them are bad.. But I know they've never met a furry and just a little googling would have them convinced all furs are gay dogfuckers who only fursuit to have sex in them.
Then they'd be all, "well I read THIS on the Internet so of course it's true!!!"
Edited 2009-09-08 11:49 (UTC)

[identity profile] lastres0rt.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
Well... yeah, exactly.

I find that the absolute worst folks to deal with as a furry end up being... teenagers. Mostly because they get all their social interaction and information EXCLUSIVELY from the internet, and haven't developed the mental acumen to realize not everything written online is true, or that a single Google Image Search is not sufficient research, or that 4chan stopped being funny / having original content a long time ago.

[identity profile] schnee.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 11:55 am (UTC)(link)
I think the reason isn't so much acceptance per se as much as familiarity: the average person these days, if they're not some ignorant redneck from Bumfuck, Alabama[1], will at least have a general idea of what being gay means - and what it doesn't.

Put another way, there may be some clichés and stereotypes, but there's not going to be any wild and absurd fantasies.

Heavy metal or football show how this works, too: media portrayals and bias nonwithstanding, the average, reasonably open-minded person will know that not all heavy metal fans are satanists (although I doubt most would know what satanism actually is, and what it is not), that not all soccer fans are hooligans, and so on.

Contrast this with BDSM, too: coming out as being into that (as a lifestyle, not just as in "I like it when my partner handcuffs me while we have sex") is much more difficult (IMO) than coming out as gay, simply because people will have so many misconceptions and stupid ideas about it.

1. As opposed to non-ignorant rednecks from Bumfuck, Alabama, so to any redneck from Bumfuck, Alabama reading this, please don't feel offended or as if this applies to you unless you are ignorant, too. :)

[identity profile] marston.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 12:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Even if parents have absolutely no prior knowledge of the fandom its a tricky thing to explain. I can easily see how it might end up sounding like new-age mysticism at best and creepy or infantile at worst.

It doesn't even make any kind of logical sense inside my own head except perhaps as a hang-over from childhood and that's not the easiest thing to admit to.

[identity profile] r-a-blackpaws.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 12:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I think here in the States, furry has a lot more negative perception than being gay does.

CSI...MTV's Sex2k special...Spike TV's "1000 Ways to Die" segment...plus this added notion:

Adult parading around in cute, furry costume+ children---> sexual predator.

One friend of mine had his suit literally destroyed while he was in it because the people attacking him thought he was a child molestor due to the costume.

Compared to all that, being gay would be much easier for someone to deal with.

[identity profile] wruf.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 12:41 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't even know what most people say when they tell me they're a fur so I probably wouldn't ever tell others "I'm furry". What does that even mean? I just tell people about the parts of furry that I'm into so I'll tell them I make and perform in costumes. It's a bit weird I guess but hardly noteworthy really. My mother loves Isambaard and likes to show her friends pictures of the costume.

I guess if you said what it is that makes you say you're furry then it would be easier to comment. For me it's all about costumes and to a lesser extent art and that furs tend to be of a similar mindset so I have a lot of friends in the fandom.

I find it hard to think of how it would be something so important that you'd have to come out as it. It's just something I do for a hobby really, what exactly is a furry lifestyle? Is it papering your house with furry art? Watching nothing but The Lion King? Crawling around on all fours around the house? Only buying products with an animal on the box? I've no idea. It's such an amorphous vague thing.

[identity profile] simbab.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 01:01 pm (UTC)(link)
My Dad didn't care but my Mum had an issue with something.

I think that's the case for a lot of furs. Mothers are funny that way, at least mine was.

[identity profile] jackiedog.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 01:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I can't remember really how it happened but a few years ago I was talking to my Mum and somehow she asked me whether I liked men or women and that's when I told her (albeit she knew since when I was a pup xD). And also, somehow, at that moment I told her about furry and that I was going to get a fursuit and the price, so she had a lot to chew on and digest at that moment :D

As to me being gay she couldn't care a crap. About furry she was interested in knowing what was that about exactly (which is perfectly understandable when you have no idea about it is about) and if it was a hobby, a lifestyle, etc (for me it's more like a hobby, a very special one, but a hobby). My Dad was a bit meh about the gay stuff at first because he was worried I could have problems out there, but other than that he's perfectly fine. About furry he says I'm a bit nuts (nothing new here anyhow, I've never been "normal" xD) but he's even put on part the suit, so... ;P

They're perfectly okay with it all, and my Mum totally loves my suit also, me going to cons (hell, I have travelled more this last year than I did in my whole life!). But actually, everyone I've told about furry so far has shown a very positive reaction and that includes my family, relatives, non-fur friends, ex co-workers and my parents' friends, so that's a high amount of people :P

I'm sure it helps the fact that the first time they've ever heard about furry has been from me and not from the media, and I do better than talking about the oddest part of the fandom and in a negative and mocking way *smirks* :P

I honestly don't get what's wrong with being a fur. You get to know people all over the glove, travel a lot and get to know a lot of places, not to mention it's a *ton* of fun! :P
Hell, the first time I saw a video of fursuiters I was at my college's dorm and the first thing I did was calling my friends there and showing the video and telling them that I *SOOO* wanted to do that too! xD And no one freaked out, in fact we ended up watching some more videos, haha!

I understand people being afraid to tell their parents about furry if they happen to be highly conservatives (and the guys in question being economically dependant of their folks), but in that case they should be afraid of telling their parents about just *ANYTHING* that's a just a weeeeeeee bit out of the path of the "normality", and not just about furry :P

Dunno, each person is a whole world on its own so... *shrugs* :)
So far I've never had any problems and for that I'm thankful :)

[identity profile] scootersquirrel.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 01:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Will have to wait till tonight to read through everyone's comments so far but I came out as both too. My sister was the first one to kinda basically just come out and ask if I was gay which was good, got that out and in the open. That filtered through to both my mom and dad and while hard, I think they can sorta accept it. Now furry is a bit different. Told my mom and sister about it and they basically said to keep it hidden from my dad, that he was having enough to handle with the being gay part. Think my mom tries to sweep it under the rug hoping that its just a phase that I will grow out of. Just makes it tough but I say the furry is definitely the harder one for people to handle since it is less common.

[identity profile] bariki.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 02:47 pm (UTC)(link)
My mother is fine with both my being gay and a furry. She loves my zebra suit and she's met quite a few of my furry friends both "normally" and in furry situations. She takes the attitude that as long as I'm happy, and safe, it's all good.

Outside of my family, a handful of co-workers and a number of non-furry friends know about both these aspects of my life. It's not that I make an effort to tell them about my personal affairs - rather, I'm not known for being shy and retiring, so sometimes these things just slip out, as it were. >;) Only two friends have ever shunned me, and I can only think of one incident where I was given grief for my sexual orientation, and it didn't involve violence.

My father is another kettle of fish entirely: he thinks that I make baby Jesus cry, and I think that's awesome. >;)
Edited 2009-09-08 14:55 (UTC)

[identity profile] panthras.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 05:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Meh, my mum just knows I draw cartoon animals and go to conventions to hang out with friends. The fact that my dad works away for half the year helps a lot, he's rather traditional but he also knows I draw :)

I tend to keep the whole furry thing on the low in places like work, they know I go to conventions and such but there's no way I'd ever wear my suit to work :D

I do have fears of being outed as a fur, but I try not to let it concern me - I worry too much about everything else anyway :D

[identity profile] puddy-tat-uk.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 07:01 pm (UTC)(link)
dunno really.

mumcat knew i was gay before i told her and she was ok about it. dad (he died a few years before that) probably wouldn't have been ok about it...

i've not really discussed furry with her - she knows that i am 'puddy tat' on bits of the web, and that some (non fur) friends refer to me as puddy and to her as mumcat, although i've been 'puddy' on the web since before i found the furdom.

mumcat also has a semi feline identity on one or two bits of the web, and signs her e-mails to me with =^.^= and we occasionally get each other cat plushies. i am not sure whether she might want to get herself a tail if i did discuss the furdom with her...

the opportunity for her to meet any of my fur friends hasn't arisen yet, so dunno.

as for the sexual side of the furdom (although for me the furdom isn't really something sexual) - i wouldn't think of discussing with mumcat the exact detail of what i do in bed (or wherever i do it) and broadly speaking i don't think parents want to know exactly what their adult child is 'into' any more than the average person wants to know what their parents are 'into'...

=( '.' )=

My distinct pet peeve for anyone trying to make "Being Furry" sound like "Being Gay" aside...

[identity profile] lastres0rt.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 07:24 pm (UTC)(link)
I had almost no problem whatsoever explaining furries to people, least of all my parents. This is thanks to two things;

1) I made a very concious, deliberate attempt to help people associate furry more with Anime as opposed to, y'know, anything (ridiculously) sexual...

2) I'm a short, perky girl, which further tends to mindfuck with anyone who actually DOES think furries are freaks. Once they're good and jarred, the healing can begin ;)

I also don't fursuit or own ears or a tail, (more because I'm picky than anything else...), but it helps people see me as "saner" than even most catgirls.

[identity profile] graystonethusky.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 07:43 pm (UTC)(link)
For me, my parents already know I'm a furry and even enjoy watching me parade around in suit during public events. The furry thing isn't a big deal to them, as I had always had a thing for collecting anything plushie. LOL. But I have never told them the other fact, as I don't believe it's any of their business. I'm 36 years old and I can make my own decisions on who I want to be with, it's not up to them and they have no say in my sexual relationships period. Though I know they have a feeling I might be. I'm sure I would get a lot of shit from my V.V.M.F. (Vietnam Veteran Marine Father), but not so much from my mother. But yeah, for me the coming out of the gay closet would cause the greater problems.

[identity profile] slinkat.livejournal.com 2009-09-08 09:20 pm (UTC)(link)
To be honest, I think the fandom takes this way too seriously. Furry is an interest, a hobby, a choice, so it strikes me as nonsensical to come out as furry. I'm sure there are all sorts of factors behind the choice, be they cultural, sociological or whatever, but they're not genetic. To talk of things like furry pride is ludicrous, and to be honest is something of an insult to the various people who have genuinely had to fight for equal rights down the years. I like furry stuff, outfits, animalistic roleplay and whatnot, but I also love rubber gear, so do I come out as a rubberist? How is that any more relevant than being furry? I'm not about to race round to my parents in full catsuit and jackal or puppy mask and say "hey Mum, hey Dad, I'm a rubberist!", so why tell them I like wearing a tail, regardless of how important a role it currently plays in my life? To be honest, my personal opinion is that you shouldn't need to make a point of explaining your sexuality to people either. Until I have a reason to come out to family, I can't really see what benefit it serves, but maybe that's just me. Everyone seems obsessed with defining themselves as something or another, which depresses me, as it makes things very narrow. Why give ourselves all these labels? Seems daft to me.

[identity profile] drgnkiyo.livejournal.com 2009-09-11 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't see why Furry needs to be something to "come out" as. If they ask, you like drawing animals and dressing up in costumes. Disney does it all the time.

[identity profile] bucktowntiger.livejournal.com 2009-09-12 09:31 pm (UTC)(link)
My mom and my siblings and my girlfriend's mom and siblings and nephews know I'm furry... but only my girlfriend knows the other part.