Hast du geglaubt?

Spuerst du dass du bist allein? Spuerst du, du hast kein Hoffnung?

Jeden Tag, fuehle ich mich dass ich habe keine Freunde, noch ich habe. Ich fuehle dass immer treten und ich weiss nicht warum. Ich bin verwirrt und ich habe kein Antwoerte deshalb ich bin verhasst. Ich fuehle mich verloren mit kein Chances Annahme. Bist du mich verhasst? Ich will die Wahrheit ziemlich dann Luegen.

Ich will mich jeder zu lieben. Werdst du mich lieben? Ich hoffe du werdst, aber ich habe kein Vertrauen und ich glaube dass ich bin Scheisse. Vertrauen ist ein positives Gift und ich wunche ich hatte mehr Vertrauen...

Ich hasse mich aber bist du zwiespaeltig? Ist es natuerlich in diese selbstsuchtige Welt dass man sich denkt? Tief in meinen Herz, brauche ich Sie aber ich weiss die Antwort ist nie einfach. Brauche mich! Ich brauche Hilfe!! Ich spuere allein weil ich Angst habe. Bitte, bitte. Ich wunsche ich war nicht so allein...

Erstechen mich fuer die letztes Mal. Bitte. Bitte. Ich weiss nicht was zu glauben. Ich werde allein sein. Ich werde immer allein. Wielleichts, sollte mich aufgeben. Ich habe immer einen Ausgestossener sein. Wer ist meine Freunde und wer ist meine Feinde? Ich weiss nicht. Ich wuenche ich habe wissen und dass erschrechst mich...

Hast du geglaubt?

Spuerst du dass du bist allein? Spuerst du, du hast kein Hoffnung?

Jeden Tag, fuehle ich mich dass ich habe keine Freunde, noch ich habe. Ich fuehle dass immer treten und ich weiss nicht warum. Ich bin verwirrt und ich habe kein Antwoerte deshalb ich bin verhasst. Ich fuehle mich verloren mit kein Chances Annahme. Bist du mich verhasst? Ich will die Wahrheit ziemlich dann Luegen.

Ich will mich jeder zu lieben. Werdst du mich lieben? Ich hoffe du werdst, aber ich habe kein Vertrauen und ich glaube dass ich bin Scheisse. Vertrauen ist ein positives Gift und ich wunche ich hatte mehr Vertrauen...

Ich hasse mich aber bist du zwiespaeltig? Ist es natuerlich in diese selbstsuchtige Welt dass man sich denkt? Tief in meinen Herz, brauche ich Sie aber ich weiss die Antwort ist nie einfach. Brauche mich! Ich brauche Hilfe!! Ich spuere allein weil ich Angst habe. Bitte, bitte. Ich wunsche ich war nicht so allein...

Erstechen mich fuer die letztes Mal. Bitte. Bitte. Ich weiss nicht was zu glauben. Ich werde allein sein. Ich werde immer allein. Wielleichts, sollte mich aufgeben. Ich habe immer einen Ausgestossener sein. Wer ist meine Freunde und wer ist meine Feinde? Ich weiss nicht. Ich wuenche ich habe wissen und dass erschrechst mich...

The Previous Post

Sorry about the post below, it represents a magnification of how I am currently feeling. Things are generally okay but over the last few weeks I have been kicked whilst I have been down a few times and feel disenfranchised over a lot of aspects of my life, particularly the Fandom.

In the last six weeks, two of my friends have died and another has had emergency brain surgery to remove a tumour. Things have been tough and this hasn't been helped by a few cynical digs that a couple of people have had at me over the last few weeks. This is why I haven't been on IMs for a while either and why I have been less sympathetic regarding the moaning and negativity that seems to be prevailent in the Fandom at the moment.

Yesterday evening was the final straw and coupled with the alcohol (I was at a social function, not drinking for the sake of it) and the fact I started offering an opinion on religion and politics (which I am usually reticent to do for fear of people hating me), I went a bit mental.

Unfortunately, this happens with me and incidents like this are going to happen - it's just what I am like. I don't mean to distress or worry people but I also have to accept that this is what I do from time to time.

The reason it was in German was because I needed to vent but didn't want to worry people. The converse probably happened so sorry.

ADDENDUM: Thanks for all of your kind comments, both on the post below and through text message. They are all very much appreciated. Sorry for going mental at times - I guess it's just a part of who I am.

The Previous Post

Sorry about the post below, it represents a magnification of how I am currently feeling. Things are generally okay but over the last few weeks I have been kicked whilst I have been down a few times and feel disenfranchised over a lot of aspects of my life, particularly the Fandom.

In the last six weeks, two of my friends have died and another has had emergency brain surgery to remove a tumour. Things have been tough and this hasn't been helped by a few cynical digs that a couple of people have had at me over the last few weeks. This is why I haven't been on IMs for a while either and why I have been less sympathetic regarding the moaning and negativity that seems to be prevailent in the Fandom at the moment.

Yesterday evening was the final straw and coupled with the alcohol (I was at a social function, not drinking for the sake of it) and the fact I started offering an opinion on religion and politics (which I am usually reticent to do for fear of people hating me), I went a bit mental.

Unfortunately, this happens with me and incidents like this are going to happen - it's just what I am like. I don't mean to distress or worry people but I also have to accept that this is what I do from time to time.

The reason it was in German was because I needed to vent but didn't want to worry people. The converse probably happened so sorry.

ADDENDUM: Thanks for all of your kind comments, both on the post below and through text message. They are all very much appreciated. Sorry for going mental at times - I guess it's just a part of who I am.

The Effects Of Alcohol

After last night's rant in German (I don't fully know why I did it in German), I'm wondering whether alcohol enhances the demons that are already inside my mind or whether it turns me into a completely different person.

More often than not (but not always) my mental episodes occur after I have been drinking and this is one of the main reasons why I have toned down my alcohol consumption in the past few weeks. I hate it when these things happen even though I know it is a part of my psyche and I can probably never fully eliminate them. I just hate the thought of letting people down and I am thoroughly pissed off with myself for letting it happen again. Sorry. And this was at a time when my confidence has generally been on the up - particularly in my professional life.

Alcohol has never really been my friend yet at the same time I do like a drink. It's a horrible Catch-22 situation as I don't have the mindset to be able to drink moderately. I have tried and have almost always failed. I guess it's just a vice I will have to struggle with.

ADDENDA:

Having read the kind and supportive comments below, I fear I may have worried a few people again. So please may I clear a few things up:

1) Although I did drink a lot on Thursday, it is the only day this week when I have touched alcohol. I have not had anything to drink at any other time this week and I was in a pub last night drinking orange juice simply because I didn't fancy an alcoholic drink.

2) Thursday was the first time in about two months that I have been seriously drunk. I don't drink every day, have never drunk every day and although when I do drink I often over-do it, I rarely drink more than twice a week.

3) I have not drank any alcohol at a furmeet for three months now. Again, I don't have to drink to have a good time - the only problem is that once I start drinking I find it hard to stop. That's the fundamental issue here as alcohol messes with my sense of rationality and proportion.

4) The demons are always going to be there because they're an ingrained part of my psyche. Sadly, alcohol often enhances these. I need to find a way of being able to drink without getting drunk. If I can do that, then that will be the problem solved but the demons are always going to be there.

5) Because they are, I have to accept that I will occasionally succumb to mental episodes. I have to forgive myself for these rather than worrying about their long-term effects, like I have been doing with Thursday night.

6) Alcohol is not a psychological need for me although on occasions I do feel it necessary to have a drink. That's probably not a good thing and I try not to drink when that need occurs. I don't see this being much different to someone needing a beer after a hard day in the office though. It is very rare that I need a drink to escape from my problems and when I do, more often than not it's because I am stressed and need a way to relax. I don't think that that is particularly abnormal though.

I accept that I need to reassess my relationship with alcohol because it does change me into a person I do not like. However, the underlying route of all this is my mentality and that is going to be a lot more difficult (if not impossible) to alter. I will always be paranoid of my image, of how I am perceived and lacking in confidence. This is who I am. I have been fighting it for 14 years now to no avail so I am going to try the acceptance route. I may not be able to get rid of it but I may be able to alleviate it somewhat.

Yes my honesty often gets me into trouble but this is again deeply ingrained in my psychology. However, by accepting this and making you aware of it, I am hoping this won't affect any of the friendships I have formed. I wish I wasn't like this but alas that's how it is. I guess we all have positive and negative points of our characters and this is one of my biggest failings.

The Effects Of Alcohol

After last night's rant in German (I don't fully know why I did it in German), I'm wondering whether alcohol enhances the demons that are already inside my mind or whether it turns me into a completely different person.

More often than not (but not always) my mental episodes occur after I have been drinking and this is one of the main reasons why I have toned down my alcohol consumption in the past few weeks. I hate it when these things happen even though I know it is a part of my psyche and I can probably never fully eliminate them. I just hate the thought of letting people down and I am thoroughly pissed off with myself for letting it happen again. Sorry. And this was at a time when my confidence has generally been on the up - particularly in my professional life.

Alcohol has never really been my friend yet at the same time I do like a drink. It's a horrible Catch-22 situation as I don't have the mindset to be able to drink moderately. I have tried and have almost always failed. I guess it's just a vice I will have to struggle with.

ADDENDA:

Having read the kind and supportive comments below, I fear I may have worried a few people again. So please may I clear a few things up:

1) Although I did drink a lot on Thursday, it is the only day this week when I have touched alcohol. I have not had anything to drink at any other time this week and I was in a pub last night drinking orange juice simply because I didn't fancy an alcoholic drink.

2) Thursday was the first time in about two months that I have been seriously drunk. I don't drink every day, have never drunk every day and although when I do drink I often over-do it, I rarely drink more than twice a week.

3) I have not drank any alcohol at a furmeet for three months now. Again, I don't have to drink to have a good time - the only problem is that once I start drinking I find it hard to stop. That's the fundamental issue here as alcohol messes with my sense of rationality and proportion.

4) The demons are always going to be there because they're an ingrained part of my psyche. Sadly, alcohol often enhances these. I need to find a way of being able to drink without getting drunk. If I can do that, then that will be the problem solved but the demons are always going to be there.

5) Because they are, I have to accept that I will occasionally succumb to mental episodes. I have to forgive myself for these rather than worrying about their long-term effects, like I have been doing with Thursday night.

6) Alcohol is not a psychological need for me although on occasions I do feel it necessary to have a drink. That's probably not a good thing and I try not to drink when that need occurs. I don't see this being much different to someone needing a beer after a hard day in the office though. It is very rare that I need a drink to escape from my problems and when I do, more often than not it's because I am stressed and need a way to relax. I don't think that that is particularly abnormal though.

I accept that I need to reassess my relationship with alcohol because it does change me into a person I do not like. However, the underlying route of all this is my mentality and that is going to be a lot more difficult (if not impossible) to alter. I will always be paranoid of my image, of how I am perceived and lacking in confidence. This is who I am. I have been fighting it for 14 years now to no avail so I am going to try the acceptance route. I may not be able to get rid of it but I may be able to alleviate it somewhat.

Yes my honesty often gets me into trouble but this is again deeply ingrained in my psychology. However, by accepting this and making you aware of it, I am hoping this won't affect any of the friendships I have formed. I wish I wasn't like this but alas that's how it is. I guess we all have positive and negative points of our characters and this is one of my biggest failings.