lupestripe's lair

Last night, we broke our 24-day no drinking streak by going to the Spandau Brauhaus for a St. Patrick's Day event. This had been on the schedule long before we decided to be abstinent, and the whole purpose was reducing alcohol consumption rather than completely cutting it out. As is often the case though, it was a fraught day at work. Wolfie's overran, meaning we had to meet up with everyone in the restaurant itself, while I had an argument with someone who accused me of using ChatGPT for writing and described my work as 'shit'. I was therefore not in the best of moods, so some drink and company turned out to be wise.

There was music provided by Clover, a folk band clearly containing Germans, but specialising in Irish folk and rock music. I wondered just what trajectory gets someone there, but they were rather good, even if I didn't know that many of the songs. The acoustics were such that the lyrics were unknown - I didn't even know what language they were sung in - and the place was packed with joyous people. The banjo player played while walking around the top balcony area where we were seated, while a few of the elder patrons were doing country dancing at the top of the stairs, which didn't seem wise.

There were six in our party including us, and it was great chatting to some of our neighbours. I spent much of the evening chatting Germany and politics with one of the other gay couples who live on our floor. The stout that the brewery had brewed specially for the event was ordered by the pitcher and we ended up having five. It was a very fruity, cherry flavour, with what must have been quite a high alcohol content. It was quite delicious, as was the fish and chips. These weren't really in the British style - the cone of chips were those folded over ones that are popular here - while the fish was fish nuggets rather than one long piece. It was served with a salad and a pot of green parsley-based mayo, which made for odd mushy peas.

We left at around 9:30pm, making our way back home via the big Kaufland. We ended up going to bed quite early, after midnight, as the evening was pretty much done and although I have a little sore head today, it hasn't been too bad.

Aside from this, my taxes seem to be motoring on now, so hopefully I can get the permanent residence sorted out too. The work situation is uncertain on account of yesterday's unpleasantness, but I don't think that will resolve itself until next week at the earliest. I've been feeling very down of late, so I really need my forthcoming holiday. Therefore, I might as well just enjoy the next four days off, during which I have booked a small weekend break to a country I have never visited before. It'll be great to see another new place, my first since 2022, and I am very much looking forward to it, even if Wolfie won't be there this time. He needs to study for an exam while his cough has become rather hacky and unpleasant again. Still, we have plans for Easter too, and we won't be apart for long.

This evening, Wolfie and I went down to the Uber Eats Music Hall to check out Suede. They were huge in the Nineties and have developed something of a cult following, but even then I was still a little surprised they came to Berlin (indeed this is their only date in Germany and they acknowledged they don't come here too often). I had never seen them before and at €56.15 for the tickets, I thought the price was good. Alas, Wolfie's foot has flared up again - the first time in three months - so he had to spend a lot of the gig sat on the seating outside. What didn't help was the staff confiscating his cane on entry, with him having to pick it up once the gig was done. Sadly, this meant Wolfie missed quite a lot of the show and I hope we're not going back to the misery of the last few years.

The support band, Swim School, were okay. Their songs were pretty decent, but they didn't have much stage presence, meaning the crowd was somewhat lacklustre. This changed when Suede were on, aided by the fact that Brett Anderson is the consummate front man. His charisma had the crowd in the palm of his hand and he frequently went into the crowd to sing songs. 'Disintegrate', the first track on the new album, was the perfect opener while 'Trash' was the third song they played, which got everyone in the mood. Although there was a little lull in the middle, they came back strongly. 'Life Is Golden', my favourite recent track of theirs, was hauntingly beautiful while 'Beautiful Ones' was the perfect way to end the gig. They did do an encore with a song that was unknown to me, which was a little strange, but the show itself was fantastic.

Alas, the crowd were a bit odd though. A lot of the time, I had to watch the show through someone else's mobile phone, while there was a lady in front of me who spent about half of the gig looking in the opposite direction to the stage. A dad was also there with his daughter on his shoulders which made visibility difficult from time to time. I have been highly irritable of late so I am sure some of that's on me, but there were a few inconsiderate people kicking about too. Anyone who wears a hat at a show, for example, is just making it more difficult for the rest of us to see. The show wasn't a sell out though, meaning there was plenty of room, but sadly the seating tickets had all sold out otherwise I would have tried to move Wolfie up there.

After the show, we toyed with the idea of going to Space Medusa but Wolfie's leg was bad and I had a painful blister which I sustained from all my weekend walking. We also are trying to avoid alcohol so we just headed home, getting some Skittles to eat on the S-Bahn and some bottles of Jever Fun (Fun as in Fun Run rather than any normal definition of that word) and crisps to eat when we got home. This means we're now 16 days into non-drinking and although I haven't seen any visible weight loss yet, Wolfie says he has. I'm hoping we can get to three weeks at least before a few events which are happening next week.

The news this afternoon that Brewdog has been bought by Tilray Brands should leave me feeling upbeat, but sadly it's the opposite. The news that 38 UK bars are to close, making nearly 500 staff redundant on no notice, is a bitter pill to swallow and my heart goes out to all those who have lost their jobs. I guess it was inevitable when these things happen, but it's still not nice. The communication throughout all this has been abysmal and I can only hope the staff were treated better than us shareholders. Judging by previous form, I'm not convinced they were.

While I figured I had lost my financial investment some months ago, I regret having become so emotionally invested in a brand that betrayed its own principles. I have happy memories of many of these 38 bars and their closure does sting a little. Travelling Europe visiting all the locations was fun back in 2018 and I don't regret doing it. I do regret believing the hype longer than I should have.

Back when I first invested in 2011, Brewdog was a nice craft beer community, rather than the sterile, distanced behemoth it became. The beer back then was interesting too, now it's just mass-produced and disappointing. And all of this was before the issues with the management, the delisting as a B-Corp, the U-turn on the living wage commitment, and a host of other widely reported scandals. My love for Brewdog had already waned, but now it's burnt out. The fact that the founders pocketed a hefty sum of cash off the back of our investments following a piss-poor deal with a venture capitalist firm in 2017 rankles even more. They'll be alright, I'm sure. Hell, they made more than what Brewdog was sold for today. It was a good deal for them, bad for the rest of us. I should have cashed out when I had the chance. Brewdog was sold to us as a way of doing business better, a beer club with positive values based on community. It's the subsequent hypocrisy that hurts the most. Betrayed is the adjective I'd use.

Tilray Brands do seem to have some semi-decent craft beer breweries on their books and there could be upsides. This will be an easy route into the UK market for some potentially good American craft beers and at £33m, they have done a good deal, particularly as they can utilise all the spare brewing capacity in Ellon. Some bars will at least remain open and some jobs have been saved. No shade to them at all, but regardless, I am done with Brewdog. The truth is, I was done on Friday when the German business closed. With no means to get Brewdog here any more - either in the bars or supermarkets - and with the nearest bar to Leeds now being in Manchester, this is the end of my involvement. The one Manchester bar that's surviving is the very worst one in the estate, while five of the remaining 10 non-franchise bars will be in London. I am also a little pissed off that Manchester again gets everything whereas Leeds gets nothing, but that's just how it's been in almost everything for the last 20 years. Fortunately, the franchise bars do seem open for now, but when the nearest one of those is in Hull, again, it's just not viable. Tilray Brands have said they'll still honour EFP discounts (notably calling us 'ambassadors' rather than 'shareholders') but with no nearby bar to use them, there's very little point. I'm not travelling 60 miles to a different city to get a free beer on my birthday and a 10% discount.

Fortunately, there is enough good local craft beer in both Leeds and Berlin to be able to swerve Brewdog pretty easily. The likes of Fierce, Vocation and Northern Monk are all easy to find in Yorkshire and BRLO and others will suffice in Germany. Small, independent craft brewers have always produced better quality beer and they're the ones to support. It's sad it's ended this way and I'm glad that some jobs have been preserved, but ultimately, I'm done. I don't want to support a brand that's now just one name in a portfolio of others on a NASDAQ-listed American company. I'll stick to small and local, as I should always have done. I wonder how many of my fellow investors feel the same.

We arrived at Nordic Fuzzcon late on the Wednesday evening, with something of a sour taste in our mouths. What we hadn't realised that we had if we wanted to pick up our con badge after registration had closed, we needed to do this in advance. This was a new thing and I had thought to enter the main con area on the Wednesday evening, no badges were required. This had been the case in previous years, but was not the case this. This meant that by the time we realised we would be frozen out of the con until the Thursday, it was too late, as we hadn't noticed this due to travelling. The trip itself was fine - we took an Uber from Pudsey to Manchester Airport on account of Manchester Piccadilly being closed, resulting in rail replacement bus services. This meant we were at Manchester Airport a good three hours earlier than we needed, so we had a lot of time to kill. Most of this was in The Bridgewater Pub, while the slight delay to our SAS flight meant we were there even longer. Fortunately, it was in the much better Terminal 2 and thus it was a semi-decent place to be. Interestingly, I was stopped at security and had my bag searched as according to the attendant, my snoot set off the alert. That's the first time I've had that happen and I've taken my fursuit head through many airports over the years.

Getting to our hotel was easy enough, although the cancellation of one train over the Oresund Bridge to Malmo meant we had to hang around Copenhagen Airport for the best part of 45 minutes. This saw Wolfie get a bit tetchy, but once on the train, it was smooth sailing and we got to our hotel, The Comfort, at around midnight. We were initially put in a room the size of a postage stamp, with the bed being pushed against the wall so one of us would have to clamber over the other in the middle of the night should they need the toilet. Upon getting to the bar and getting a drink at extortionate Swedish prices, we bumped into Coal, who we hadn't seen for a long time. Procyon popped along a little later and so we ended up having a few nice drinks instead of needing to go over to the main con venue. Indeed, the Comfort acted as an auxiliary overflow venue with panels and events there too. Furthermore, its proximity to Valhalla made it the ideal place to be. Wolfie also managed to speak to the nice lady on the desk and we managed to snag a bigger room, with this proving more than adequate for our needs. We even invited Coal and Procyon back there for an impromptu room party, having grabbed four cans of Brooklyn IPA at the airport in Copenhagen, fearing we wouldn't have much drinking opportunity that evening.

The con itself was much more drinky than I thought it would be, but then I hadn't really planned any sexual or kink-based activities. On Thursday, I headed down to the Padded Social at Valhalla, where I got to chat with loads of friends including Marbles and Foxxy. Indeed it was those two I ended up spending most of the day with, as after sharing a few of the adequate furry-themed lager that had been brewed by the Hyllie Brewery for the con, we ended up going for dinner together. This was at a place called Spoonery in the main town. Marbles had been there the night before and had hit it off with the server, who was a gay guy from Swansea who now lives in Malmo. He was really chatty and friendly, so much so that I didn't mind the twenty-minute wait just to get a table at this small establishment. Indeed, we had to cobble something together where I had a high chair while everyone had a smaller one around a table in the waiting area. Still, it worked. The bibimbap had sadly sold out so I opted for meatballs which were served with potato and cranberry in a brown gravy. This was fantastic and definitely a place to check out next year.

The plan was to visit the After Bark Market after this. This was in Valhalla too, so we made our way over there after dinner. Alas, the queue to get in was quite long and so we grabbed a drink in the Comfort Bar in the hope it would die down. Indeed, the close proximity of our hotel bar to Valhalla made this a viable option and reduced the amount of time we had to stand in the biting cold, with the bitter wind being the worst aspect. The queue had moved on a little so at around 10:30pm we stood in line and got through relatively smoothly. Alas, we were told the dealers' den queue was over an hour in length (and we weren't allowed to join it anyway) while the dance just sounded awful. There seemed to be little else going on there - it was just an opportunity for people to wear gear, but for me, wearing gear is part of foreplay to something else - so we headed back to the Comfort Bar a little dejected. Still, we made the best of it and it was fun socialising, before I went to bed at the quite early time (for me) of around 1am.

We have started getting up for breakfast and then going back to bed for a few hours, what with most of the con happening in the afternoon and evening. This was the case here too, particularly once we realised that the final half hour of breakfast was absolutely rammed. Getting there for 6:45am on Friday when there were only two other people there made it more a relaxed affair. The breakfast itself was an adequate selection of hot food (bacon, chicken sausage, scrambled eggs, beans) with some very nice cold cuts. I had pate and crusty bread every day, while it was great to discover this was available from 3:30am should we want it. 

The bed gravity had been strong on the Thursday - I only got up at 3pm needing to register, fearing being locked out of the con again - but I was more spritely on the Friday. This was partly because there were some interesting events going on in our hotel, which meant I didn't have to go out into the cold. The first was a detailed history about French animation, starting with The Tale of the Fox from 1937 and La Bergere et Le Ramoneur from 1953/80 and going through to the present day. The Intermarche wolf of course featured while I learned a great deal about how French animators had influenced Japanese anime and manga. I also discovered a lot of interesting films that I hadn't heard of before, which I will definitely have to check out.

The second panel was an introduction to Ancient Egyptian animal deities, which I thought would be fun as Televassi has been introducing me to these through his excellent erotic stories. This covered a few of the main deities, but of the seven that featured heavily in the talk, quite a few were the more minor ones that I hadn't come across before. Wawepwet was one I had though, again through Televassi, and it was great hearing more about the Opener of the Ways.

In between these two events, I had an hour and a half to kill, so headed over to the Dealers' Den, which was again in Valhalla. Al Song wanted me to pick up a comic on his behalf, but when I went to the vendor, he was away. I hung around for around half an hour for him to return, only to be told that he had sold out of this particular title. He did say it would be available online soon though, so I hope Al wasn't too disappointed. I did pick up an Anubis mousemat for him from Ultra Violet's store, while he also asked me to procure some Bubbs candy, which I managed to do too. Meanwhile, I also picked up a light blue puppy t-shirt with the phrase 'Fragile, Handle With Care' on it. I had seen these at ConFuzzled last year, so was glad to finally be able to pick one up. There were loads of cool stores in the Dealers' Den, with the apparel and fursuits being particularly good, but it was a little sad to see not one furry author nor bookshop represented. There were a few comic books for sale, but I didn't see a single novel or short story collection. I hope this changes next year.

The deities talk ended slightly early, so I headed back upstairs to see Wolfie. On the way, I realised that many of the parties on the fourth floor of the Comfort weren't that accessable as you needed a keycard to use the lifts. I had already tapped someone in earlier in the day, while this time there was man stationed downstairs asking whether anyone needed assistance. Once back to the room, we decided to grab some food, with Wolfie taking me to a fantastic sandwich shop selling a wonderful pork belly sandwich. He had visited the place the day before with Procyon, when I was at Spoonery, and he said it was worth a visit. This was certainly true, although I could have done with the cucumbers which formed the base of the sandwich (they did add some much needed acidity to counter the richness though). The sandwich shop was in the food hall - which had extended opening hours due to the con - and we managed to perch right on the counter and watch the chefs at work. We also grabbed some smashed potato covered in unctuous cheese and a delicious, if expensive, west coast IPA. It was a truly fantastic meal and set us up well for the rest of the evening.

Wolfie disappeared at this point, but I bumped into Blue Otter in the main bar of the Clarion. I had an hour to kill before Grimner and it was great catching up with him. I then joined the queue for the folk metal band's show, but the signposting was odd and I entered the start of it rather than the end. Upon hearing that the show was postponed by an hour, Baloki suggested we go to the Terrace bar to grab a beer while we waited. This is an outside bar and there was currently a snow blizzard going on - while my t-shirt and skirt ensemble wasn't the best clothing for the conditions - so we just sat inside instead. I got to meet quite a few of Baloki's other Manchester friends and soon we were back in the queue for the show. I had actually spoken to Grimner earlier that day - they were doing a meet and greet in the Comfort bar and I saw Trax speaking to them. Once he disappeared, I was kinda left alone with them, so got chatting to them about their influences, what they thought about the furry fandom and why they decided to come back. I also got a photo signed, but only by three of them, not realising they were actually a six-piece (despite having seen them two years ago and despite there being six of them on the card they signed). I get in a panic I guess. Anyway, the show itself was incredible, with a hearty and robust moshpit. At one point, they were all rowing, while I was stood right on its edge quite near the front. I was on my own for most of the gig, with Wolfie going up front too, but it was another overwhelming show. They came out in fursuits, while I shouted 'come back!' when they talked about the Vikings invading England, which I think amused them. The show itself was lively, fun, bouncy and incredible, taking me on quite an emotional journey. It was one of the highlights of the con.

After the show, I was tempted to go to the Littles Disco. I thought that was over in Valhalla, but it was actually in the main hotel. That would have been more convenient, but I didn't have my gear with me, so in the end, we just grabbed a few drinks and hung out in the Artists' Alley section. The ale we had here was particularly poor, but it was good annoying Notefox with puns while she tried to edit the photos she had taken during the furry opera (which sadly I didn't see) and other events. We hung here for a couple, seeing Grimner enter too, before Wolfie and I headed back to Procyon's room to share some special beers he had brought. It was here where we were reacquainted with his roommate Ethan, who I had first met back to Nordic Fuzzcon 2014, and he enlightened us about a place in Edinburgh that serves vegetarian haggis curry. He was looking to go to bed, so we didn't stay too long, just enough time to share three of the four cans Procyon had brought, before we headed back to the main hotel to grab pizza and bed. I would have preferred to have taken the convenient shuttle bus between the Clarion and Valhalla - which conveniently drops us right outside our hotel too - but the last bus had been and gone by then so we had to walk back in the snowstorm. We bumped into Shiyan on the walk too, so chatted to him a while. We never once did use the bus.

Saturday was due to be my fursuit day but I awoke to the news that the Parade was cancelled. This was disappointing, but the sludge-covered roads would have ruined my new paws. This meant that I didn't get to fursuit for the second con in a row and I am going to have to work out what I can do to incentivise myself to get into suit more. The lack of decent hand and feet paws was a good excuse, but with that now resolved, there really is no excuse at all.

This meant that Saturday was a pretty easy day up until 5:30pm, when I had agreed to meet up with Evi and Namonium for our usual Furry Brew Crew drinks. Brewdog Malmo was the venue and before heading there, I ambled around the con space looking for the con shop (which I was unsuccessful at) and stumbling into the Creators' Corner which was effectively a modestly-sized art show. The works here were all pretty decent, but none jumped out at me. I also chatted to Kitty Sam while standing outside in the bitter wind and sludge, but it was good to catch up and compare notes on the cons we had attended and the cons we are likely to attend. With a little time to kill, I ended up back in the hotel room around 5pm and picked up Wolfie before heading to Brewdog via Pressbyran for a hotdog. We went French style, with the sausage wrapped in a condom of bread, and it was a delicious pre-drinking snack.

We arrived at Brewdog at exactly the same time as Procyon, Evi and Namonium. I had invited a few others, but it was only to be us five for the evening. This made getting dinner later easier, although sadly there was no space in the Hyllie Brewery Taproom. I had wanted to try the fish and chips here - discounted for Nordic Fuzzcon attendees, one of the many offers for furries across the city - but we did end up at a place called Ukrainian Beer Bar where we had lard on brown bread and spicy sausage soup with olives. I would have thought the olives would perhaps make it too salty, but this was not the case. The beer at the Ukrainian Beer Bar was all from Ukraine too, while it had a vibe very similar to Ambrosjia in Bradford before that closed. Indeed, it very much reminded me of the restaurants we visited in Ukraine and I reminisced with the owners about the three trips I had done there. In the urinal, there were also Putin and Trump figurines you could piss on, while the toilet brush had a Putin figurehead too. Above the urinal there was a Carlsberg sign.

This was a great way to end our evening, which began at Brewdog Malmo as I had said. This was surprisingly busy with a strong guest tap list, making it reminiscent of Brewdog of old. It was odd to think, with the company collapsing, that this was probably the last time we'd be there but we went out with a bang with some good beers and company. The barman was particularly friendly and gave me a free pin badge for being an EFP, while it was great chatting properly to Evi and Nanonium again, having only seen them briefly at ConOps prior to the Grimner concert. After our trip here, we decided to go to The Bishops Arms, a British-themed pub chain that's big in western Sweden. The beer list here was even better - with Leeds Pale and Ilkley's Joshua Jane on hand pull too - and while we weighted up getting food here, in the end we went to Hyllie (then the Ukrainian place).

We split up after this, with everyone but me heading to the Clarion and I heading back to the hotel room. I wanted to check out live furry metal band Wildpact in Valhalla and after having a short snooze, I bounced over there at around 11:10pm. I was about ten minutes late, but they were playing a metal version of the Pokemon theme tune so I was sold quite quickly. They did a lot of covers, albeit slimmed down versions of them, and their musicianship was fantastic. There were a few awkward moments, but it was a fun hour and a half set, with Fonz doing the whole thing in his bunny suit and Pepper Coyote as a partial coyote on drums. Aerials by System of a Down and Sonne by Rammstein, were the two highlights for me. The whole theatre was pretty much packed, and it is great to see metal is finally getting some recognition in the furry fandom. Nordic Fuzzcon is very much the music con and their diversity was great in this regard.

Jev had asked whether I wanted to join him and Kitty Sam for drinks in the Clarion, so after the concert, I headed over there. I was going to go to the inflatable panel on my way out of Valhalla, but the animals were all flat on the floor and looking sorry for themselves. Therefore, I skipped through the slush and headed to the main bar, which was very rowdy. I found my friends near the bar, grabbed a drink, and chatted to them for a while. I also managed to catch up with Pinky too, before ending the night having a heavier chat with Procyon over a few beers. I was sat in front of a giant LED screen board that burnt my retinas, but it was a good chat nonetheless.

I am now halfway through a seven-hour train journey back to Berlin via Copenhagen and Hamburg. It's running smoothly enough right now, although it was an absolute free-for-all in the Danish capital. There are loads of furries on this train with luggage and a last-minute platform change from 5 to 7 meant we all had to traipse up an escalator to go back down another one. I feared there would be no space for our bags, but we got lucky. The 25-minute delay shouldn't affect our connection to Spandau either.

Despite the issues, particularly regarding communication (the NFC app kept adding random events that weren't there before, while it wasn't until halfway through the con that I realised I had to toggle the Explicit section on the mobile website to see the NSFW events in the app), it was another great con. I didn't get to do half of the things I wanted though, largely due to timetable clashes, and I probably drank way too much. Indeed, it's been three weeks of heavy drinking what with Scotiacon, visiting family and hanging around with friends on the Tuesday before NFC too, that my guts are in a right state. I have also been concerned about my weight, so the next few months, I'm not going to buy any alcohol or snacks for the house and reduce my consumption outside it. If I can get slimmer for SinFur in early May, I think it would help with my body dysmorphia and self-confidence issues. I did enjoy the unicorns in the circus tents that were littered about all venues, but otherwise the theme was quite muted. The blip game was always fun, even if I only blipped about eight times. NFC in particular has loads of side challenges and other things going on that I'm sure I missed out on something, but then I barely had any time to fit anything else in.

Whether we go back next year or not, I'm unsure. Fortunately, there is a three-week, rather than a two-week, gap between Scotiacon and Nordic Fuzzcon next year that will help. Also, we must arrive earlier than we did this time around, probably on the Tuesday. I'm happy to miss Dead Dog, but it's clear there are loads of cool things happening prior to the con starting and I'd like to do some of them (the Hyllie Brewery tour being one of them). It's still a lot of money though and the cold weather makes wearing skirts that much harder. I spent more time in jeans than at any con over the last few years and that does suck a bit. Still, the events are unique, there's always loads to do and maybe I can do things like the Maid Cafe again next time. That was fun but I didn't do it this year so I could do the Parade instead, so it was sad it was cancelled. Indeed, doing the Parade would be fun as I've never done it in Malmo yet. So, lots to consider, but it's definitely on the list of possibilities. I guess we'll know nearer the time.

There's a guy living in the semi-detached next to ours who is learning to play the guitar. He does this regularly, usually every night, and we've tried to accommodate him. Not being in the UK most of the time, I'm very happy for him to learn a hobby, particularly as he has suffered from mental health issues in the past. He has certainly gotten better while we have been away. The problem is that when we're back, we get very little respite from it, and it has somewhat overtaken my life over the last few days. I know we need to approach this with him at some point, but I fear that when we move back, this will be the established pattern. I'm sure he'll be reasonable - he probably doesn't know we're back and we have never complained before - but I hope it'll all work out. This is the sort of thing I worry about though as my house doesn't really feel like a home with this noise going on in the background.

I've been back home since Thursday, having travelled down from my mother's place. I had fish and chips followed by a selection of British cheeses in The Spotted Dog before my train, with there being not enough crackers to accommodate the three exquisite slabs of local fromage. I still don't know why they skimp on the cheap things. The trip to my mother's place was fine, except she lives in the middle of nowhere so there's not much to do at the best of times, not least when it has been non-stop raining for two weeks. We just stayed in and I worked, which was largely the plan anyway. It was good seeing them, even if my step-father has become increasingly curmudgeonly of late.

Being back in my own home was great and this weekend I made the most of it. I had initially planned to visit someone in Birmingham, but they preferred to go to the football instead. This was equally gutting and a relief, not least because the trains were going to cost over £100 and there were rail replacement bus services. Add to this the con crud I picked up at Scotiacon and staying back in Pudsey made sense. This also meant that I got to spend a lot of time in the house, which is why I've been noticing the issues with Jimi Hendrix next door. There aren't many places you can go at this time of year, although at least yesterday was a nice sunny day.

I took advantage of the sun to go for a walk, taking some clothes to a charity bank along the way. Alas, the one I usually use near the rock climbing centre was no longer there, and Google proved to be absolutely useless. The top two links were clearly dodgy spam sites and that was after it kept suggesting places in Salford, some 60 miles away. The next link was the local recycling centre where you can only deposit clothes, not shoes. In short, Google was absolutely useless, a perfect example of the enshittification of that service. In the end, I decided to go to ASDA and see if there were options in the car park. I needed groceries anyway and I was in luck - three bins, one for the Salvation Army, one for the Tickled Pink cancer campaign and one for the Yorkshire Air Ambulance. I gave Wolfie's Minions pyjamas (along with other stuff) to the air ambulance people.

Walking around Pudsey was quite pleasant. There are a load of hobby shops these days and some nice cafes too. It has definitely gentrified and I suspect this is because working from home has become a much bigger thing. Later in the day, we got some fishie chippies from the Weatherby Whaler and these were every bit as delicious as they always are. They are certainly worth coming back too. While I was waiting for my food, I was alerted to the fact that Brewdog is being put up for sale. The glee from some furs was incredibly disheartening, almost as if they were celebrating the potential decimination of a number of retail jobs, and I had to mute references on social media. I did know this was likely - the company has been in dire straits for a while and although it's a shadow of its former self, and the former owner is less than to be desired - it's still sad that an icon of the craft brewing scene in the UK is likely done. With the shuttering of the German online store earlier this month, this makes the ability to get decently priced craft beer in Berlin much harder, but then we've resolved to really lose weight in the Spring so maybe that's for the best. I've known my shares in Brewdog have been worthless for some time and that I should have cashed out in 2017 when venture capital got involved, but it is what it is. I saved more in discounts than what I paid for the shares over the last 15 years, it's just sad that an integral part of what was my community in my early adult years is likely to cease to be. Of course, the Leeds bar closed down earlier in the year, so I'd drawn a line under it then anyway.

Today we headed into Bradford to check out the Turner Prize exhibition. This was in Cartwright Hall as part of Bradford's 2025 City of Culture celebrations. As soon as I realised this was happening, I booked tickets. We were originally slated to go two weeks ago, but when I had to shift the order of this trip around, I cancelled and rebooked. We took a taxi down to Cartwright Hall, one of those imposing 19th-century manors that was built with industrialists money. We were about half an hour early but that didn't seem to matter and soon we were ushered in. The first of the four exhibits we went to see was Zadie Xa. Here, we had to wear special slippers on our shoes, or foot condoms as I called them. This was my favourite exhibition as it was based on seashells and alternate worlds. The floor was coated in reflective gold tiling and there were seashells dangling from the ceiling, some with apocalptic environmental messages and others with wave sounds. There were pictures with dolphins and dancing skeletons while in the centre there was a 3D model of a shell made out of little trinkets suspended from the roof. There was lots of colour here too, including a perlescent surface underneat the suspended shell.

The work of Rene Matic was next, which was far more political. This focused on right-wing populism and identity, with a heavy black and transgender theme. Violence and political hypocrisy was also explored, symbolised by the 'No Place' and 'For Violence' flag in the centre of the room. Over the speakers there were speeches and the peels of bells from Berlin's Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church in Berlin's Zoologischer Garten. Living with vulnerability was a core theme too and this made sense when we watched her five-minute introduction video in the main foyer. Each of the four artists had these and we watched them at the end, adding a great deal more context to the instillations we had seen. It was also great seeing two original LS Lowry paintings upstairs too - I didn't realise Cartwright Hall had these masterpieces.

Mohammed Sami's work upstairs focused on memory and conflict, which perhaps wasn't too surprising considering he's originally from Baghdad. This collection of seven paintings was particularly fascinating. Without clear narratives, it was up to the viewer to discern what they meant and Wolfie and I spent quite a while debating what we saw. If good art challenges perspectives and focuses the mind, then this was certainly it.

Finally, we went to see the work of the winnter Nnena Kalu. She has learning disabilities and is supported by a charity down in London. I didn't really get this collection, if I were being honest, with the large-scale hanging sculptures difficult to disentangle. These are made from repurposed fabric, rope, tape, cling film, paper and VHS tape, and are certainly varied and colourful. On the wall, there were paintings of swirling overlapping lines that formed powerful vortexes. As I say, I didn't really connect this one, but then art is subjective.

We left Cartwright Hall shortly after 5pm and caught a bus into town. Taneli was going to meet us, but we're both a little ill and we decided to just wait until our planned meet-up on Tuesday. We didn't have to pay as the driver just waved us on and soon we were on the northern fringes of the city centre. We got off here and decided to go to The Record Cafe, a former haunt when we went out drinking in Bradford pre-pandemic. This seems to have gotten homelier over time and the pineapple milkshake IPA we had was exquisite. It was SpaceShake from Makemake, a brewery I'd never heard of before, and the drink was so good we decided to stay for a second. This was a Sijhuan pepper stout called Glacier by an Estonian brewery called Puhaste. This wasn't quite as good as SpaceShake, but it was certainly up there. We also grabbed some fried corn and left the bar very happy.

Our next stop was Boar & Fable, a place we hadn't visited that often. This was another warm and homely place, where we got to try Vocation's Bread and Butter Pudding White Stout and a double coffee stout called Imperial Affogato. Sadly, The Sparrow has closed down, as has Dime Bar, leaving this end of the city feeling a little less lively than it had previously been. This was nothing compared to the city centre though, which was bascially dead, particularly by Kirkgate Market. Everything has been sucked into The Broadway. Still, there have been big changes in Bradford, with new road layouts and a new indoor market development that was sadly shutting when we were strolling by. Our aim was to go for a curry and thus we needed to get cash out of a machine. We then headed over to the Kashmir, noticing that the scaffolding around the old Odeon cinema has finally been taken down. The curry itself was rough and ready, the restaurant a dive, yet the food exquisite. We were given a poppadom each without asking, and this was accompanied  by ubiquituous yoghurt sauce which just kept coming. We grabbed some onion bhajis, which at £1.60 a portion were exceptional value, and we both had rogan josh, Wolfie meat and chicken for me. This was Wolfie's recommendation and he was not wrong. The spice level was just right and the delicate mix of flavours were unlike any of the curries in Germany. The curries in the UK are one of the things I really miss and eating these with chipatis rather than rice definitely made sense.

We had planned to go to Sunbridge Wells after this, but we were so full after the curry, we just got a taxi home. I needed to sleep, but Eric Clapton next door was still going. This was frustrating, but I stuck in some earplugs and had a short nap. Aside from the guitaring, it has been a pretty perfect weekend. It's been a great day today, yesterday we had fish and chips, while I also got to do a lot of reading too. All in all then, I'm pretty satisfied. It's just a shame it's work again tomorrow. 

I am currently staying with my mother following Scotiacon, having travelled down from Glasgow to County Durham earlier today. We had initially planned to stop off at the Greggs pub in Newcastle, The Golden Flake, but we had five bags with us and we didn't fancy lugging them through the city centre. Add to this that we didn't know where we could store them and they were conveniently ensconced in the luggage racks and we decided to travel on to Darlington and skip the pub. We both got off here and headed to the cafe, noting that the building works that should have been done for the 200th anniversary of the railway last September still hadn't been done. Once in the cafe, we had a hot chocolate and some cheese and onion McCoy's while Wolfie booked his train back to Leeds and we listened to a bunch of four builders talking about their cocks.

Scotiacon this year was something of a mixed affair for me, but this wasn't really down to the con itself. We stayed at The Courtyard by Marriot, about five minutes' walk away, but unlike last year it was busy with loads of normies. The usual caravan event was taking place, but Strictly Come Dancing was on tour, while the Chinese Shen Yuen ballet was being performed in the Armadillo. In addition, a number of bands were playing in The Ovulation Arena, so there were loads of people about. This meant that wearing skirts and expressing oneself became much harder, while on Friday a number of people shouted abuse. Others just stared at me in disgust and by the time it got to Sunday, it really wore me down. What hasn't helped is my weight, which has triggered my body dymsorphia. Adding to this was the previous week's stay at my father's, which was quite boozy and rich in food, with the weather being so atrocious as to not be able to get out and walk anywhere near to the amount I'd like. Indeed, the weather in the UK since I arrived on 1 February has been as dismal as I've ever known, with thick cloying cloud and rain. This too made traversing between The Courtyard and The Crowne Plaza difficult.

Wolfie was meant to arrive on Friday morning, with the lack of direct flights between Berlin and Glasgow proving very restrictive. In the end, he didn't arrive until late on Saturday evening as Berlin Brandenburg Airport was closed due to black ice. What changed in the weather compared to the previous month of cold frigid conditions I don't know. In the end, he was close to not coming at all and had to take a £84 taxi from Edinburgh Airport to our hotel in Glasgow but at least he made the convention before ConOps had closed for the night at 10pm, meaning he could enjoy some drinks in the bar and catch-up with friends. I bought him some bog-standard chips just to tide him over. Him being away on Friday sort of helped though as I was asked to do a little more work for one of my clients ahead of the Super Bowl. After a heavy night on Munich Red Lager on the Thursday evening, I woke up to the worst hangover ever and a need to calculate the best way of maximising sleep. Alas, I had invited Blacksnip over for breakfast, thinking I had one spare due to Wolfie. Little did I realise or remember that breakfast wasn't included so I had invited the horse over for food that cost him £18.95. What made things worse was I had left my cards in my hyena bag in the room so he had to pay for us. I compensated with beer later in the day though. Friday then was a tough day, but after registration, I settled down to work and got done just before our Writers' Social. The neat selection of sweets wrapped in a blue bow was mighty handy.

It was a fundamentally social and drinking con, probably one of the drinkiest I'd ever known, which hasn't helped my weight issues. I am going to really have to slim down ahead of ConFuzzled I think as it's really hitting my confidence. What's not helping is the 'he' pronouns as I visit my parents. I haven't told them and I am not sure I can, but then I'm also not sure what the hell I want. This has really been burning up inside of me for the last six months and, what with my frustrating professional situation, it's manifesting itself as deep self-hatred. On Sunday, I struggled to get out of bed until 5pm and wouldn't have even done that had I not planned a beer tasting session, while on Monday I went for a ruminating walk through Govan on my own, as well as walking along the riverside and a dual carriageway. The exercise did me good at least and friends saved both days, but I am far more mentally ill than even I realised and I need to do something to address this. Still, Doveux dancing outside the main entrance to Junior Senior's 'Move Your Feet' while wearing his tail condom will live long in the memory, so there were flashes of happiness around that time on Monday too.

The Sunday night craft beer tasting was particularly good. There were about 10 of us and Ipequay kindly let us use his suite for the festivities. The last time I had seen him was MFF 2024, while Wolfie hadn't seen him since we had first met back at BLFC 2017. It was great chatting with whisky and beer brewer Rutan here, while it was fantastic having all of our friends around the table. Due to the presence of Rutan in particular, it became a whisky-tasting party later on, and I was surprised to discover I could drink all of the whiskies proffered. Sunday was also the first anniversary of our friend Entei-rah's death and it was good to be able to toast his memory. The drinks we had were all rather tasty, particularly the maple stout at the end. While I was expecting this to last maybe two hours tops, in the end, we kept going for five, even ordering three sub-standard pizzas with the runniest garlic sauce I had ever seen. The margharita was particularly unpopular, but we did all have a slice each of the three different toppings. We retired to the bar after this with more beer and socialising, until I could drink no more, such was my stomach feeling like razor blades slashing through it. While we drank, we kept up-to-date with the score in the Super Bowl and were delighted it was a pretty straightforward win for the Seattle Seahawks. I also enjoyed the far-right meltdown at having Spanish-speaker Bad Bunny host the half-time show. Due to the drinking, I couldn't really attend any of the other events I wanted to on the Sunday. I sadly missed Amethyst Mare's two writing panels that evening, as well as a rubber social, although I got the impression that one was full body cover and I didn't have my suit with me. I also need to get an animal one anyway.

Monday was Dead Dog Night and as seems to be tradition, we went to the Lebowski's burger restaurant in Finnieston. There were six of us there and we were cramped into a table that ideally was made for four. This was immediately after my lonesome walk and I was feeling somewhat fragile and prickly, but being around friends did perk me up. The burger was fine, although the pulled beef I could have done without, while the blue cheese and bacon dip was certainly divine. Alas, Patter didn't get his fries until most of us had finished our meal which was somewhat inconvenient. After this, I went to someone's room for some fun, catching up with them in the process, before ending the night back in the bar. Here I met up with Blacksnip and we ventured into the final 20 minutes of the Dead Dog Dance, for which you needed to queue. This was quite a new thing, but the con has grown so big now, that I guess it's inevitable for the popular events. After the queues of last year, they had also installed a virtual queueing system for the Dealers' Den, but this seemed to put loads of people out of action in case their number was called and they could join the real queue. It was a good idea, but a number of fetish plans were either delayed or cancelled because of it. As for me, I didn't even bother with the Dealer's Den as I was either being too busy or too morose. I suppose saving money is wise, but then it has also been a cheap con, as so many people kindly bought me drinks.

I ran two writing panels with Huskyteer at the con - the Writers' Social on the Friday and the Writing Historical Fiction one on the Saturday. The former took a different format to usual. Instead of congregating in one group around a large table, we were allocated a corridor with loads of smaller tables. This meant the conversations were siloed and Huskyteer and I had to bounce between them to ensure everyone was okay. Our liaison, Atlas Collie, was very professional and helpful, even pointing to the coffee machine that served an excellent hot chocolate. He was on hand on the Saturday when we were in the main event space of the Hilton. This served as the overflow hotel this year, with a convenient shuttle bus operating in between. I never took that, but wonder whether this would resolve the skirt wearing around normies issue I had. Anyway, we actually got microphones for this talk and once the balances were set, we discussed writing historical fiction and answered questions. The audience was of modest size, but engaged, and they asked some great questions, including why I write about gay persecution particularly from the 18th century. There is an answer to that coming on my website later in the week. I think Huskyteer and I work well together and it was great catching up with her and her friend Dai. On the Friday after our social, we ended up going for pizza together in the Radisson Red, which proved to be top value. For £14.95, I got myself a ham and roast potato pizza, which was nice enough but maybe had too many carbs. A dip, particularly a garlic one, would have been fantastic here. We also grabbed some haggis won tons - a fusion of Scotland and China no-one realised they needed. These were served with a nice red salsa dip. The two panels from Guest of Honour Todd Aldrington were also fascinating, even if it felt being shouted at from time to time, and I picked up some really useful tips and pointers. I hadn't really read his fiction before either, so I look forward to picking some of his stories up soon.

There were a few events I had to bail on - Birdy's Wine and Cheese being one as the queues to get in were just too long. This was back at the overflow again and with the bitter wind and driving rain, the comfort of the Crowne Plaza often had great appeal. It was a great opportunity to see friends again though and I must have given out around one hundered of the business cards I had made. There are too many to mention but I enjoyed seeing Taneli and Procyon as I always do, along with Blacksnip, Patter and Doveux. Seeing Furble for the first time in a decade was a true delight, as was catching up with Ranfox who looked so adorable in his dresses and fursuit. Alas, I didn't get the opportunity to fursuit despite wanting to. This was partly because I couldn't pick up my new fursuit paws from Uno Raccoon until the Saturday evening, but mainly because the weather made getting into suit in The Courtyard prohibitive. I also struggled for time, so perhaps at NFC. The paws themselves look amazing though and I cannot wait to try them while I need to be a little more visible to counteract the appearances of 'fake Lupe'. The weather when the fire alarm went off wasn't great either, not least because it tripped just as I was going to go to the toilet. I was speaking to Furble and scranning some of Ipequay's Jollibee at the time, but fortunately, the false alarm was declared thus swiftly and I could go for my slash. It was a tough few minutes though.

There were a few other things I missed. Lunar Belle had a suite of events on that I couldn't really attend, while the Jet Lag: The Game panel was attractive but not at 10am. There were a couple of clashes too, but of course that cannot be helped. Drums and Roses was another highlight (I particularly enjoyed the green, blue and red styrofoam glowsticks that can best be described as landfill), albeit one when I was urging Wolfie to get to the venue as swiftly as he could so he could register, while 'Over The Hills' by Nightwish is always a poignant end to the con even if I can take or leave the cheese preceding it. I would have liked to have gone to the inflatable wearing panel but after my issues at Pawsome, I lacked the confidence to try again. I also should have attended more of the rock and metal sert from Alec DeLoup but that was at the time my stomach was in ribbons.

I am not sure whether I will attend next year yet, I think it may depend on the hotel situation. The con has gotten so big now that everyone is somewhat spread out, but the inability to dress in the way I want was a dampener. Wolfie suggested I pack a bag and take it across - which I could do - but then I fear forgetting it somewhere. It's something I am doing more often now and in 2024, I left my suitcase at the main stage area for ConFuzzled for over 24 hours. The queuing is also another major drawback, while the theme (Massive in the Metropolis) doesn't do too much for me. However, it was a great weekend with friends, albeit a boozy one, and with my father living nearby, it does make sense to come back again. I guess I'll see how the year pans out.

It's been a terrible week, largely because I've been laden with cold. It's probably the same one that Wolfie has, which also had a resurgence last week following a benign weekend last weekend. At least that meant we could go to Winter's Embrace, but the upshot is that I've had to cancel most things this week. I was due to go to an escape room with Al on Thursday and then meet up with my Dutch friend Dumdeedum, who was staying at Arakin's from Thursday through today. The plan had been to meet on Saturday for dinner, but I was still feeling acute dizziness. Instead, I thought a walk would help (and I needed to take the bins out anyway), but this turned out to be a mistake. I ended up tripping on a circle of white plastic strapping - of the kind you bind heavy boxes with - which someone had thoughtfully left on a dimmed path. I went arse over tit and swore, not noticing the child nearby. There was a very nice Indian gentleman who helped me up, but suffice to say I sprained my wrist. I was in complete agony for the rest of Saturday and I still feel the pain now, albeit in twinges. When I woke up on Sunday, I marvelled at the miracle of my own body as there was no pain for the first five seconds, before the throbbing return.

This threw everything out of whack basically, as I also had to take three days off work. I did manage to speak to my accountant and sort out a few tax issues ahead of submitting my 2025 return. The only other thing that happened was Burn's Night, which was yesterday. When looking for things to do at New Year, I noticed this happening, and thought it would be good to do instead. I had to confirm my attendance on the Saturday and we ended up going, despite my wrist and Wolfie's persistent cough. Had we not already paid the €39 in advance, we may have stayed at home. Anyway, we were on our own little table for two, which was good, and I'm glad we went. We were given a welcome drink of blended whisky from Copper Dog followed by a three-course meal of cullen skink. haggis and cranachan. They were all delicious, particularly the smoked haddock soup, although the haggis was a little moist for my tastes. It had been made locally though, so it was a good job from a German butcher. Between courses, we were entertained by Elgin-born but Berlin-residing drag queen Gieza Poke. She introduced herself table by table before proceedings and was delighted to discover we were furries who are heading to Glasgow the week after next for Scotiacon. Between the courses, there were poetry readings from a pamphlet of Burns poems on the table (which unfortunately I left behind) as well as a book containing Burns' entire works. I was too shy to stand up and give a reading, but there was a quiz at the end, where I answered a question and got a free whisky. Gieza also addressed the haggis in a proper manner, while her brother, who was visiting, read some Ivor Cutler poems. He has many hats. Most of the people there were Anglophone, but it was a good crew, plus I did enjoy chatting with Wolfie about a range of things (although I could have done without the hypnosis-themed conversation). With four IPAs drunk and various whiskies ordered, it has been a bit of a fuzzy day thus far, but it was definitely worth it.

The one thing I've learned this week is the importance of friends and specifically the importance of face-to-face relationships. We spend our lives mired in our phones and over the last decade I've become increasingly prone to doomscrolling. Current events are making me feel incredibly nervous and insecure, yet we are seeing disturbing comments and images blasted across social media every minute of every day. Ultimately, social media has become an addiction to me, one where I'm consuming so much time that it's alarming, while the psychological effects have been debilitating. All week, sleep has been the best option, but the nightmares have returned in various flavours. This is putting strain on my relationship - which was already strained enough - while Wolfie is now ill and thus the overwhelming cycle continues. Work is dissatisfying yet I can't seem to break out of this sector and I had another story rejection mid-week which is making me wonder why I bother. The fact that last week was the first full week back to the drudgery of work fills me with dread for the next 12 months and beyond. I also perceive threats everywhere, I've been scared about the weather and how it effects my UK home, and I'm consciously aware I'm overweight and this is affecting my gender dysphoria. The increasingly sadistic attacks against trans people, particularly in the US but also the UK and elsewhere, are starting to get to me too and my mindset has become increasingly bleak. I've just been feeling angry and hopeless all week, with no real constructive outlet. The fact it's dark and mid-January also doesn't help. I've been in a bed a lot as, apart from the nightmares, it's the most comforting place to be. Oh, and for some reason, I've had The Tweenies theme tune stuck in my head for the last 48 hours.

Therefore it was good that Blujay was coming to visit as it allowed me to break out of my restlessness and fug and actually do something constructive. He was meant to arrive at 19:25 on Thursday, but Deutsche Bahn being Deutsche Bahn meant that he didn't arrive until well after 21:00. He was here because he was celebrating a friend's 40th birthday on Friday and needed a place to stay over. As we knew we would get little time to chill as Friday was also a work day, he suggested coming a day early and grabbing a meal somewhere. In the end, that meal was a kebab as it was the only place that was open, but it was good to go back there again (even if the proprietor did think I was Ukrainian rather than British).

Once we had eaten and dropped Blujay's bags off at home, we decided to grab a few drinks. Alas, we couldn't get beyond Spandau, and it being the first week in January, everywhere was either closed (Spandau Bierhaus) or dead (Charlotte). In the end, we ended getting on the U-Bahn to Zitadelle and picking up some Brewdog cans from Kaufland and skid-arsing back home to drink and have a catch-up. We talked about a lot of things, including Destination X and Jet Lag: The Game, while Blujay also took me through the permanent residence application procedure. I did this on Friday and am now waiting to hear back from the authorities.

Wolfie was feeling groggy, a prelude to his illness I feel, so he didn't join us on our walk around Spandau on Thursday night looking for bars. He also worked from home on Friday. I had pointed Blujay in the direction of the Deutsches Teknik Museum but he was tired and it was below freezing outside, so in the end, he just hung around while we took various breaks from work to chat to him. Wolfie also installed the curtains in the office so at least the heat can now be retained, while I can masturbate without the fear of anyone watching me (not that I did this anyway).

Blujay left about 3pm to see his friends and we finished work about three hours later. I was so tired, I ended up going for a nap, then we stayed up and waited for our friend to return. He was out past 3am in the end, despite fearing he may not enjoy the smoky rock and metal bars they had planned to visit. It was good to know that there are some good ones over in the Friedrichshain district and we may have to check them out. Last night, as we waited, Wolfie and I ended up watching train videos and dreaming of holidays. Once Blujay was back, we had another hour of conversation and shared some sour cream and onion Gitters before heading to bed about 4:30am.

Today, we had intended to go to the PladeLu Festival at Columbiahalle, but when checking the website for times, the date said 6 June. I had noticed this when I had been emailed the tickets last week too, but thought it was a mistake. We certainly hadn't received any correspondence about a change of date - or at least I hadn't seen any - but upon checking Eventim, the Columbiahalle official website, and the headline act's site, it was clear that the date had been changed. This was slightly annoying, as although it's a day we can do, we'll have to sacrifice not doing something else, neither of us were feeling too energetic for a seven-hour metal festival. Wolfie in particular, who has spent most of the day in bed with a heavy cold, probably couldn't have done it so the switch is beneficial on that level. I could also have gone to Club Animalz at a push - a last-minute one had been arranged for this evening - but again I don't have the energy. It has meant that I've got nothing on this weekend though, so once Blujay had left at around 1pm (he and his friends are off to visit more rock and metal bars in Leipzig), I ended up going for a walk as it was quite a nice yet very cold winter's day. I feel that the lack of sunlight may be one of the reasons for my depression - a minor one relative to the geopolitical hellscape of the world but every little helps I suppose - plus I need to get more exercise too. I'm glad I went out, even if I did just go straight back to bed shortly afterwards.

It's odd when a friend comes around and leaves at the start of the weekend rather than the end of it. I'm glad Blujay came around though as I needed to remember the importance of face-to-face friendships in a world that's increasingly on fire. I'm not sure what I'll do for the rest of the weekend - it may depend on whether I get sick myself - but the plan tomorrow had been to do some writing. My motivation is low, but I guess we'll see.

The only other thing that happened last week was Thursday lunchtime, when we were invited around to a neighbour's house for a post-Christmas lunch. It was basically pumpkin soup with pumpkin seeds, along with breads and cheeses, and it was a nice break to the working day. It was fantastic catching up with some of the people on our floor, while we also got to see a couple's new kid for the first time, who spent most of the time crawling about. Apparently, this may become a semi-regular thing going forward, perhaps monthly, which I think would be a really good thing.

Looking back at my review of 2024, you can pretty much copy and paste most of it for 2025. It's incredible to think that so little has been resolved in the last 12 months, which at least suggests a more even keel. And yet, it doesn't really. We spent most of the first half of the year oscillating over whether we should stay in Germany or return back to the UK, ending up deciding we would see through the five years and make a decision then. This was in November and I am still in the process of dealing with the authorities to renew my status. Wolfie hasn't even started. We said we weren't going to make a decision until we got this sorted, so it's clear we'll be here until deep into 2026.

Some things have improved, particularly socially. Ever since Al Song arrived in Berlin in September, my social life has significantly stepped up. He's encouraging me to go out and do things, some of which for the first time. He encouraged me to go to Club Animalz and Berghain in November, while I went to my very first escape room just this past week. With Notefox also wanting to meet up more, I feel we have developed a nice group of friends here, so this is encouraging. I don't really go to any of the main events any more - the BDSM munch is always too early on a Saturday and the Fureigners meet-ups are registration events and I never know how I will feel three weeks in advance - but I did go to my first Berlin Fursuit Walk in November too and I'm happy doing my own thing.

Things have been pretty relentless since June and I have felt incredibly fatigued. I'm sure the main issue is worry and I know I'm getting increasingly paranoid about a range of things despite always seeking and following professional advice. The UK house being broken into in January hasn't helped in this regard, but I'm just concerned I'm doing something wrong somewhere. Cross-border tax is complicated, as is having a footprint in two countries, while financial pressures are never far away. To that end, I've made a good stab at my freelance business though. Having set this up to accommodate my first client in November 2024, I now have three clients on the books and a fourth is looking likely in the new year. Despite this, this was only meant to be a temporary thing. I would like a full-time job and have applied for nearly 70 this year. Unfortunately, many of these have either been non-jobs or data harvesting schemes, while some I'm sure have already been recruited and the job posting is just a legal formality. It has been quite disheartening, not least because I desperately want to switch industries, but I just have to keep going. Having some publishers on the books, particularly Fenris Publishing, will certainly help position me where I want to be professionally as I'd love to be a full-time editor and proofreader for a major publisher. This is now my aim. How likely that is, I don't know, not least because of AI infecting literally everything, but I am still going to give it my best shot.

2025 has been the best year for my writing, with four stories having been published in various anthologies. I formed a writing group back in the Spring and we meet once a month. I've learned a lot from their feedback and I hope I have been as insightful in return. I also feel I have developed as a writer, having written my best stories in the first half of the year. While I have submitted more stories for consideration than ever before, this means I have also had more rejections too, and I have taken some of these to heart. Still, I feel I have become more established as a furry author this year and my website seems to be doing quite well, so I'm hoping to increase this trajectory in the new year. I've already submitted some panel ideas at some of the conventions I'll be attending, so hopefully this will help too. I do wish that writers were more valued in our community though. I love the little writing niche we have in the fandom, but it's sad that we're not really seen on a par with musicians and artists.

Politically, it has been a terrible year, but at least the AfD did not gain a foothold in the German elections back in February. The current CDU/SPD government seems to be on a pretty even keel so there should be no horrible surprises coming. The situation in the UK and US is more despairing though and the anti-trans panic in particular is one of the reasons we have stayed put in Germany. Seeing the rise of fascism in real-time and the pain it is causing to minorities is heartbreaking, as is the knowledge that I may not be able to see my friends in the US for quite some time. I didn't go to MFF this year as a result, but the positive was I got to see my SE Asian furry friends for the first time in six years and I had forgotten how much I'd missed them.

Wolfie has had a checkered year regarding health, with his legs and feet causing considerable issues. This came to a head in the summer when he finally went to see a doctor. They prescribed anti-gout medication, which seems to have resolved one of the issues, but the muscle problems persist. These are more erratic, so he's going to the doctor again next week. This has severely limited what he has been able to do and he has not gone on that many trips as a result. He sat out SE Asia, couldn't come back to the UK for my birthday (this was the first time we hadn't been together on my birthday during our 18-year relationship) and he couldn't visit Blujay or Petephin in the Summer. It has stopped him going to a range of local events too, while our kink relationship is pretty much non-existent. There have been times where I've had to do nearly all of the housework as he's been too incapacitated to do anything, and I have found this frustrating on occasion. It has certainly put a strain on our relationship and I wish I could be more accommodating and supportive than I am. This year has seen a lot thrown at me though, particularly in the latter half where I've been trying to pinpoint the reason for my chronic fatigue along with having to go through routine medical and dental checks. Ultimately, I think I have ADHD, but despite finding people willing to help, when push came to shove, they fell through. I really should get this sorted in the new year.

Something else I should sort in 2026 is learning German, at least to B1 level. If we decide to get citizenship - for which we are now eligible - I'll need to pass this exam at the bear minimum. I'm not sure whether we will, nor am I sure how likely Wolfie will attain it, but this is a question for the new year. I do kick myself at just how lax I have been regarding learning the language, not least during times when I am lost in conversation, but in Berlin it's rarely needed and that has really hit my motivation. Being stupidly busy has done the same. Losing weight has also fallen by the wayside, as it often does. Indeed, I have probably put weight on this year as I am doing less walking through focusing on writing. This is something else I need to work on in the new year as it's affecting my self-esteem (but the reality is bugger all will probably change).

So it's been a year of treading water really, no different to 2024 aside from the existential dread of politics and the rise of AI. You've got to hope for better in 2026, but with Labour disappointing in the UK and the CDU terrible here, my expectations are low. Still, we do have a good community and I have many close friends, so I'm sure I can get through it. However, things like age verification laws and digital surveillance threaten even that. These are two more reasons why I have not yet decamped back to the UK. I guess we'll see how things go and take them one step at a time, but it would be nice if I felt able to relax. Alas, that doesn't seem like it'll be happening for quite some time.

I have been back in Germany just over a week and thought I should take in a few Christmas markets before they close to the public. Most of them did this yesterday, although there are a few that go on into the new year. I ended up going to three markets, two of which with social connections, and it has been a nice distraction from all of the work, admin and bureaucracy I've had to catch up on. Indeed, since Al arrived in Berlin in September, I have been more social than I have ever been here. It highlights how sometimes you just need one person to be a catalyst for things to happen. Sometimes he invites me places, sometimes I invite him, and things have snowballed from there.

The first market was last Thursday, which coincided with the Fureigners Meet-Up. They gathered at Kulturbrauerei at 6:30pm, but that was always going to be too early for me. I rocked up shortly before 8pm and spent the next half hour struggling to find everybody. I did avail myself of my very first boulette - basically a hamburger patty in some crispy bread - and felt this could have been more uniformly cooked. The Bratwurst I picked up was of the usual quality and I very much enjoyed it. After this, I did manage to find people and ended up speaking with Al Song and an Italian fur for most of the evening. We were gathered next to one of the fires, which blew a pleasant aroma of smoke and wood over us. We ended up staying at the market until it closed at 10pm before popping over to a nearby Boba Tee place called Boba Cuppa. Sadly, they had run out of tapioca balls, meaning about one third of their menu was no longer available. I ended up just having brown sugar in milk, which gave it a burnt caramelised flavour. It was rather pleasant, but the poor lady was clearly overwhelmed by the 15 furs who had descended on the store, not least because she already had a group of eight to serve. Most people headed off after this, but Notefox had swung by late as they had had an accordion practice. We therefore decided to head to Manifest for a brief beer before we needed to head back home before the trains stopped running.

On Saturday, Wolfie was feeling well enough to try and get out to the Spandau Christmas Market. We think this is one of the best markets in the city and so it proved again. I think Wolfie has started to feel somewhat stir-crazy being trapped indoors, while his leg has definitely been better recently. I wish he had seen the doctor long before now, but at least he has an appointment booked in for the new year. We had a pleasant walk around the market, enjoying some of the live music and picking up a sausage en route. We also called in at our favourite empanada stand, where I had a brief chat with the lady in Spanish. We were also delighted to discover a stall offering Georgian food for the first time. One of these things was a katchapuri pasty, with flaky pastry not dissimilar to those you get in Greggs. I thought €8 was a mite spendy, but then I didn't see the sheer size of these things once they had been plucked out of the fryer. They drooped over a big paper plate and we had to carry them back home delicately. The flavour was spot on - very much like the katchapuri we had tried in Georgia - while I had a nice time chatting with the Georgian owners of the business. They offered us some pretty rancid cha-cha which I struggled to drink, but all in all, it was a welcome addition to the Christmas Market.

We also headed out on Tuesday and Wolfie was able to join us again. Our main objective was to go to the Cheese and More store at Kurfstendamm. We had checked out this place on the night of my birthday meal, but didn't want to buy anything as I was going to SE Asia two days afterwards. We had always intended to pick up something for Christmas, so we thought we might as well make a night of it as the Christmas Market at Zoologischer Garten is literally over the road. With the likes of Fierce (Fiasco), Al Song and Notefox all wanting to socialise more during the Festive Period, I thought it would make sense to have a bit of a gathering. Al met us in the cheese shop while we were sampling their wares, with four separate members of staff asking if we needed assistance. One said that instead of buying the full truckles, we should just get wedges cut as they would be far cheaper. This was useful advice and we picked up three cheeses at reasonable prices, while Al also grabbed some lavender-infused cheese.

We then walked around the Christmas Market, sampling little blocks of cheese from a plastic tub, noting how disappointing it was relative to the Spandau one. As we did, we showed Al the sights including the church, the memorial to those who lost their lives in the 2016 Christmas Market terrorist attack, and the green water clock in the Europa Center. We also grabbed some food, in our case a decent sausage and an incredibly delicious Handbrot. We picked up the latter after Fierce had joined us, looking all dapper in his hat and pink scarf, and we soaked up the atmosphere while wandering around.

The market was due to shut at 9pm, meaning we had to make plans for after. Drinking was always on the cards - I feel a little bad for always dragging teetotaler Al to bars but he seems to enjoy the company - and when we discovered that Fierce had never been to Biererei, we opted to take the U1 from Kurfurstendamm over there. As we did, we munched on chestnuts that Al shared with us, with me not realising I had to peel them from their shells before eating. This made for quite an unpleasant crunchiness in my mouth. Once we had gotten to Kottbusser Tor, I prepped Al for the general grittiness of the area, but he seemed unperturbed and indeed wanted ice cream when he noticed a place we were passing had ube flavour. He let me sample this plum/apricot flavour while I opted for White Snickers which sounded incredible. Indeed it was - think mix of Snickers and vanilla ice cream - and even though it was odd to eat ice cream in the freezing cold two days before Christmas, I am glad we bought it.

We got to Biererei shortly afterwards and had to finish our ice creams outside. Once inside, we sampled seven different beers, including two incredible Barrel Aged stouts. This place is spendy, probably the most expensive bar in the city, but alongside Muted Horn and Manifest, there is no better bar in Berlin. The barman here is very knowledgeable too and even brought us over some water as we were sampling those two high percentage dark beers. Fierce and Al headed off around 11:30pm, an hour later than Notefox had joined us. They were incredibly delighted to see Wolfie - Note has been asking me for so long where he was - and so we opted to stay a little longer, particularly once we found out that the U-Bahn had switched to its 24-hour Christmas service that night. So, in the end, we chilled until near 1am before getting our trains home. I would have happily stayed later, but I had some work to do today, while I didn't want too much of a hangover either.

This should now be it for Christmas. Work is done until Friday, the weather is looking sunny, and we have a load of food and drink in. I'm hoping I can put all of my worries to one side, at least for a few days, as the weekend was dominated by a painful headache which I think may be stress-related. As I say, there's still loads to do and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, so hopefully a nice mid-week break will help me relax.