No Matter How Hard I Try

It has been a week when my mental health has started to deteriorate, largely out of a deep-seated self-revulsion than by anything the lockdown has thrown up. I am certainly missing people and going out with more freedom, while my wanderlust is starting to return, but it is the hatred of myself with which I have been burdened for many years that is at the forefront. Part of the problem is the inevitable slowdown in my job searching, with last week being the quietest so far. The main reason for this of course was the Easter weekend, when no-one was working, as well as a reduction in available positions as the COVID-19 crisis continues. I feel I have probably done as much as I can and I do have some interesting leads to pursue early next week, but maybe I'm just frustrated that nearly four years after the damn referendum, I am still stuck here. Added to this is the Government's bone-headed refusal to extend transition - which would give me more breathing space (but I must consider a bonus as I was always working to the deadline of 31 December 2020) - and the fear of being trapped here is very real.

I have started to get into a solid routine regarding my weekdays now (Monday aside as it was Easter Monday so Wolfie and I just hung out together), although I am getting up a little later than I would like at around 11am. Still, I am ensuring I hit 10,000 steps still and am doing an hour a day of guitar, which has seen me improve my playing albeit indeterminately slowly. I also bought a German grammar workbook, in which I have started doing exercises for about half an hour a day, with it proving what I suspected - that I am about 70% fluent. I am also playing Animal Crossing for an hour a day too, which is enough time to do the main tasks each day, although I do fear spending too much time playing it really as one hour can easily lapse into two. Indeed, this is why I am not a huge fan of gaming in general, it just seems like dead time to me and can very easily expand to fill much of your day.

We had our usual Pony Meet on Tuesday, expanded to seven attendees this time, and there is going to be another one today to accommodate more of the American Ponies. This has been a really nice addition to my week as it has enabled me to meet new people easily and become more emeshed with the pony scene. Saturday was also our monthly Leeds Meet, which saw us be online from noon, followed by our usual Stray's Group Jackbox gathering later in the day. This saw me head to bed at 4am, which isn't rare these days, and while I was expecting a load to drink, in the end the volume was pretty much what we would drink at a standard Leeds Meet. We bought another beer in a bag from Nomadic, a local brewery we are supporting by buying one of their beers a week, and it was great to speak to Mike face-to-face again when he dropped the beer at our front door on Friday. He told us a great deal about what was going down in the Leeds beer scene right now and with Brewdog's Leeds outlets starting to deliver draft beer next week, things are still looking vibrant.

The meet itself was pretty good, although my pitifully low self-esteem made me show off and try and make everyone laugh. I know it's something I do to mask my insecurities, and indeed my knowledge that I have little in common with most furs, I just hope people find me funny rather than annoying. Analysing why I wanted to get everyone to measure their cats so I could determine their volumes for a bar chart I was constructing - or asking people to calculate the number of Pepperamis they would need to craft themselves a meat dress a la Lady Gaga - were just natural aspects of the conversation upon which I seized, but afterwards, I did feel very down about possibly being a nuisance rather than trying to make people good. I guess I just want people to like me because I can't like myself.

On Thursday the Government announced another three week extension to lockdown and on Friday a month extension to the furlough scheme upon which I have been stuck for the last three weeks. Neither of these were particularly surprising and although I am starting to struggle with the isolation, I had already prepared myself mentally for this. However, with so much focus on video games in the furry fandom (a topic not out of focus during more normal times), my sense of isolation is only being exascerbated. Still, speaking to the likes of Arakin, Blacksnip and Tungro - furs with whom I only usally talk a handful of times a year - over the last week has highlighted the advantages of technology when it comes to keeping in touch with people.

The highlight of the week was undoubtedly Thursday as amongst the long list of things I needed to do, I managed to go outside and do the Clap For Carers event in fursuit. I was very 50/50 on doing this, particularly as we had to rush dinner as Wolfie was teaching me how to play Magic the Gathering, but I am very glad I did as it raised a number of smiles and chuckles on our street, particularly as after four weeks of lockdown they are all probably as bored as we are. I was only outside for five minutes before the event was over, but the next day it did become a conversation starter with the elderly couple who live two doors down. I ended up talking to them for about ten minutes about a range of things, including the death of Leeds United legend Norman Hunter from COVID-19 that day (many windows have Leeds United scarves hanging out from them in tribute to him), as well as his time in the RAF. One positive about all this is that in the six and a half years of living here, I don't think we have spoken to the neighbours as much as we have in the last week. It will be a shame to leave here, but because of Brexit I feel we must, but certainly there is a greater sense of community here that I hope continues.