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The Hangover Games
May. 3rd, 2020 02:19 pmIt has been an incredibly busy seven days as I managed to wangle a free ticket to an online industry conference, which saw me attend a number of panels and sessions over the course of the week. It was great getting back in touch with the industry again, particularly after five weeks away, and it was also great touching base with a number of key people, particularly as I am searching for jobs right now. To that end, I had a positive interview on Thursday morning for a position in Copenhagen and I am hoping to meet senior management there at some point next week. My job searching was largely on hiatus last week due to the conference - I didn't really have time to do much else - but I am hoping to get back into it either tomorrow or Tuesday. With positions at a premium, it was good taking a week off, as things were starting to get a bit thin, but with countries starting to open up again, there has been a noticeable increase in available positions which I am hoping to dive into next week.
The conference panels were spread out throughout the week at varying times as some of them weren't relevant to my particular field. I attended some out of my own interest, but the gaps in the schedule enabled me to do all the usual things I have been doing of late - my daily hour of Boris exercise, learning German, playing guitar and getting more immersed into Animal Crossing. I do still have a huge issue with video games as I do wonder whether the 50 hours plus I have spent on my Switch could have been used to better purpose, but Wolfie points out it is important to relax and I am not really using this downtime as effectively as I should be on that score. I did manage to finish my 'Dead Famous' book too, an achievement I haven't experienced in a while and one I am looking forward to again with my next read, but aside from that it's been a week of ploughing on with all of the things that are currently distracting me.
Going to the conference was good as I managed to form more connections in the industry, which may bode well as I am starting to get very real doubts about the future of my current position. The company doesn't seem to be innovative enough and is relying too much on a dying model - one that has been completely decimated by COVID-19 - and until sports is back it's hard to see me going back to work. Considering this could be the summer, or even later, there has been a growing worry that once we do go back to work, we may be laid off pretty soon afterwards. I hope this won't happen and of course it's greater motivation to pursue my job search, but it is a concern and is causing a sense of real unease.
Due to the conference, I didn't get chance to get into fursuit for the Clap for Carers event, which disappointed some on our street, while next week will be difficult too as there is a Remaniacs versus The Bunker podclash on Zoom immediately afterwards again. However, we have been invited to a fish and chips theme party on our street on Friday to commemorate VE Day and I guess I could don the suit then. I don't usually go for the flag waving nonsense, but we have never been to one of our street parties before due to it always clashing with other commitments, while the very thought of fish and chips for the first time in two months is sending me into raptuous excitement. Plus, we have spoken to our neighbours an awful lot over the last few weeks - including the chappie over the road to whom we spoke for over an hour yesterday - and it's not as if we have anything else to do. I'm actually looking forward to it, even if it will just see us sat on our drive in the sun and communicating across the street. Still, it's good to feel part of the community here now, even if it has taken six years and a global pandemic to come about.
The only social things I have really done have been the usual - Pony Chat on Tuesday (and one later today) and Stray's usual Jackbox soiree, which lasted until nearly 6am last night. We drank an awful lot of Nomadic's 6.3% IPA and I am really feeling it now, but the evening was definitely worth it. Before proceedings began, Arcais also hosted a pub quiz for about twenty of us, with our imaginatively named Tean 4 winning by one point. The quiz was predominently based on film and TV, so wasn't really for me, with a bizarre round on pasta shapes and another on toilet roll thrown in. The guess the TV shows from the emojis section was particularly mindboggling, not to mention frustrating, but we only got one wrong of these and I quite enjoyed the challenge, even if my head wasn't really in the game. Even though the questions weren't tailored to me and I felt a bit useless knowing so little (apart from the odd one or two), it was a great excuse just to chat to people to whom we haven't spoken in a while and I did enjoy catching up with everyone.
My slight churlishness over the quiz, along with actually having time to think due to the lack of work, has seen me question myself more and wonder why I am the way I am. Objectively, there is no reason why I have this overwhelming sense of self-hatred, this absolute loathing and fear I am going to be found out as the cunt I am. And yet, I still feel it, every second of every day and I don't know how to square the circle between my mind and my emotions. Wolfie is a huge grounding influence of course, as are a number of other friends, but I don't know why I have felt this way all of my life and what I can do to stop it. It's quite maddening really as I also know I'm a decent, if flawed, person who tries to make people happy as best I can. Like with the jokes and playing the fool at social gatherings, which is used to deflect my own insecurities, I am learning a great deal about myself but no real solutions are being proffered. Maybe it's a matter of time, but it would be good to know what I can do about it as my moods are so erratic right now it's unreal. Friday afternoon was a case in point - I felt so positive having made some industry connections and learned so much from the conference that I was bouncing and yet, because I missed the networking drinks party at the end of the day (largely due to tiredness as I was exhausted), I felt useless and pathetic for much of the rest of the evening. There was no real need for this, objectively it had been a very good week, but just one little thing had knocked me completely off. It keeps happening and I can't appreciate the positives in my life because of it, but again it's hard to know how to stop it. Something to work on I guess.
The conference panels were spread out throughout the week at varying times as some of them weren't relevant to my particular field. I attended some out of my own interest, but the gaps in the schedule enabled me to do all the usual things I have been doing of late - my daily hour of Boris exercise, learning German, playing guitar and getting more immersed into Animal Crossing. I do still have a huge issue with video games as I do wonder whether the 50 hours plus I have spent on my Switch could have been used to better purpose, but Wolfie points out it is important to relax and I am not really using this downtime as effectively as I should be on that score. I did manage to finish my 'Dead Famous' book too, an achievement I haven't experienced in a while and one I am looking forward to again with my next read, but aside from that it's been a week of ploughing on with all of the things that are currently distracting me.
Going to the conference was good as I managed to form more connections in the industry, which may bode well as I am starting to get very real doubts about the future of my current position. The company doesn't seem to be innovative enough and is relying too much on a dying model - one that has been completely decimated by COVID-19 - and until sports is back it's hard to see me going back to work. Considering this could be the summer, or even later, there has been a growing worry that once we do go back to work, we may be laid off pretty soon afterwards. I hope this won't happen and of course it's greater motivation to pursue my job search, but it is a concern and is causing a sense of real unease.
Due to the conference, I didn't get chance to get into fursuit for the Clap for Carers event, which disappointed some on our street, while next week will be difficult too as there is a Remaniacs versus The Bunker podclash on Zoom immediately afterwards again. However, we have been invited to a fish and chips theme party on our street on Friday to commemorate VE Day and I guess I could don the suit then. I don't usually go for the flag waving nonsense, but we have never been to one of our street parties before due to it always clashing with other commitments, while the very thought of fish and chips for the first time in two months is sending me into raptuous excitement. Plus, we have spoken to our neighbours an awful lot over the last few weeks - including the chappie over the road to whom we spoke for over an hour yesterday - and it's not as if we have anything else to do. I'm actually looking forward to it, even if it will just see us sat on our drive in the sun and communicating across the street. Still, it's good to feel part of the community here now, even if it has taken six years and a global pandemic to come about.
The only social things I have really done have been the usual - Pony Chat on Tuesday (and one later today) and Stray's usual Jackbox soiree, which lasted until nearly 6am last night. We drank an awful lot of Nomadic's 6.3% IPA and I am really feeling it now, but the evening was definitely worth it. Before proceedings began, Arcais also hosted a pub quiz for about twenty of us, with our imaginatively named Tean 4 winning by one point. The quiz was predominently based on film and TV, so wasn't really for me, with a bizarre round on pasta shapes and another on toilet roll thrown in. The guess the TV shows from the emojis section was particularly mindboggling, not to mention frustrating, but we only got one wrong of these and I quite enjoyed the challenge, even if my head wasn't really in the game. Even though the questions weren't tailored to me and I felt a bit useless knowing so little (apart from the odd one or two), it was a great excuse just to chat to people to whom we haven't spoken in a while and I did enjoy catching up with everyone.
My slight churlishness over the quiz, along with actually having time to think due to the lack of work, has seen me question myself more and wonder why I am the way I am. Objectively, there is no reason why I have this overwhelming sense of self-hatred, this absolute loathing and fear I am going to be found out as the cunt I am. And yet, I still feel it, every second of every day and I don't know how to square the circle between my mind and my emotions. Wolfie is a huge grounding influence of course, as are a number of other friends, but I don't know why I have felt this way all of my life and what I can do to stop it. It's quite maddening really as I also know I'm a decent, if flawed, person who tries to make people happy as best I can. Like with the jokes and playing the fool at social gatherings, which is used to deflect my own insecurities, I am learning a great deal about myself but no real solutions are being proffered. Maybe it's a matter of time, but it would be good to know what I can do about it as my moods are so erratic right now it's unreal. Friday afternoon was a case in point - I felt so positive having made some industry connections and learned so much from the conference that I was bouncing and yet, because I missed the networking drinks party at the end of the day (largely due to tiredness as I was exhausted), I felt useless and pathetic for much of the rest of the evening. There was no real need for this, objectively it had been a very good week, but just one little thing had knocked me completely off. It keeps happening and I can't appreciate the positives in my life because of it, but again it's hard to know how to stop it. Something to work on I guess.
