One Wuff Wuff

I went into Leeds yesterday for the first time since 8 March. I also went to my first bar since 15 March. I went into the city on essential business, indeed I probably wouldn't have done had there been no need for it, and I probably won't go again unless it is absolutely necessary. The first thing to note was that although it was a lot quieter than usual, people were acting as if COVID was no longer an issue. The number of times I had to dodge out of the way of people was high and it really is only a matter of luck whether I have contracted it or not. Having said that, social distancing was still very much in evidence at both Pret a Manger and Whitelocks, although the staff at neither establishment were wearing masks. Indeed, hardly anyone was wearing masks full stop and I wonder whether there will be a huge change in behaviour when it becomes  a legal requirement on Friday. Anyway, in both places, we sequestered ourselves away on a table of our own, meaning we very rarely came into contact with people, while every time I went to the bathroom I made very good use of the hand sanitizer that was freely available. Considering Wolfie drove me both in and out of the city - meaning I avoided public transport and taxis - I feel comfortable enough that I did everything I could to mitigate against getting this disease so hopefully I'll be fine. I'll be monitoring things closely though. As I said, it was an essential trip although its purpose I cannot yet divulge, but I am hoping it will be the start of a brand new chapter.

I was in town for ten hours, and by the time it got to early afternoon, I started to get sensory overload. It was the first time away from the house for four months pretty much, and it was an unsettling feeling. Seeing The Old Red Bus Station, our meet venue, sat closed and forlorn also evoked strong feelings over the many happy memories there. I miss everyone and hope to see them soon. Afterwards, I bought Wolfie a McDonald's as thanks for driving me while I also got to go to the supermarket for the weekly shop despite having had a belly full of beer (five pints indeed). As I say, I am going to try and go back into town sparingly but I do need to be there Friday week as I need to return all of my work equipment, what with it being my final day. There is talk of us going for a curry afterwards so I suspect this will be another afternoon of sensory overload.

I have been in a strange mood of late, very down on myself, and I did feel guilty about Wolfie transporting me around. This was the case even though he had agreed to do it and I informed him of my movements at all the agreed times. Granted I did stay out an additional hour, by mutual agreement, but I still felt incredibly bad for putting him out. This acute sense is getting worse - indeed I feel guilty whenever he does the washing up or cooks, even though we both agree there should be a 50/50 split on household chores. I guess part of the problem is that he's working four day weeks right now and I am not working at all, meaning I feel generally useless and responsible for doing more of the housework as I have time to do it. I don't know, but this sense of not deserving anything is quite pervasive right now and I hope I can chase it away as it's starting to become debilitating. Indeed, things have started to become quite dark as I am having frequent suicidal thoughts and very deep depressions. Fortunately, these only last for a few hours, but it's something that needs to be halted before it all gets worse. I guess lockdown, losing my job and Brexit are starting to really hit me.