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It has been another difficult year, with COVID still dominating our lives to a great extent. This is evidenced most clearly right now as I am currently in the middle of a 14-day quarantine period that has significantly disrupted our Christmas and New Year plans. Additionally, we spent most of January through May in lockdown, only coming out towards the end of May, when we could finally see friends. Since then, we have immersed ourselves quite well in Berlin life, meeting a large number of the Fureigners community and using Berlin Beer Week in particular to tour around bars and restaurants in the city. We still haven't done as much touring as I would have liked but a week long trip to Hamburg and our attendance at Furfloat in Sweden/Finland was certainly something, and although we did have to cancel a number of holidays towards the tail-end of 2021, I am at least thankful that the middle third of the year was a slice of normality. With the Omicron variant, it's a little frustrating that we are heading back towards lockdown but at least we have vaccines now, which suggests there is far greater optimism going into 2022 than there was this time last year.
Partly due to COVID, I have yet to be called up for my immigration interview, which has been a source of huge frustration. Apparently, a portal will open on Saturday which will enable me to book my own appointment for the Spring, but I'll believe that when I see it. With little communication, it has been a source of real anguish over the last twelve months, not least because it has been prohibitive in travelling outside of Schnegen. Not having a date means not being able to plan, while the changing COVID rules were always looming, which means I have not yet made it back to the UK since we moved to Germany in November last year. Consequently, I have not seen my mother in nearly two years now, while it's also having knock-on effects with my job. I really need face-to-face meetings with senior management to push things on, as I feel I am treading water with little personal development, but I need the job to get my immigration card so I cannot really rock the boat right now. I do feel there is a good role for me at work, segued to their international expansion plans, but everything is so chaotic and lacking in structure, I don't yet have the belief that this is going to happen. We'll see I guess, and I am going to push this more heavily in the new year, but ultimately I am not learning very much and really need more money than what I am currently earning as everything is a little hand-to-mouth right now. Certainly, Nordic Fuzzcon's spending last month really pushed me into the red for November, which wouldn't have been the case three years ago at my old place (but of course I have also taken on more expense too and knew that this would be a sacrifice). My own business is plodding on without tearing up any trees, partly because it's none of our primary focuses any more. I am hoping this too changes in 2022.
We did manage to see a few friends towards the backend of 2021, but I would like to see more. I am hoping that will pick up in 2022. The same can be said for my command of the German language, which is slowly improving but nowhere near as good as I need it to be. Fourtunately, I have a few German friends who are tolerating me speaking German with them, which is aiding my fluency, but I still struggle in crowds, as well as when anyone is speaking really quickly. A few minutes of Duolingo a night really isn't cutting it, I am going to have to go to a language school in the new year.
I do feel I haven't achieved as much as I would like this year. Being in a Fandom of incredibly talented and creative people can be a real downer when you don't have an appreciated talent yourself. My book idea is still being considered with the publisher and I am hoping they will green light this soon as it would be a dream come true, while at least I have started to pick up guitar again in the last two months. This is happening much more slowly than I would like too, but then I can barely commit an hour a week to it right now. This is frustrating as there are so many people who have time to do so many more things than I do and I wonder where all the time goes for me. Work most likely, as it does tend to expand to fill the day, with a load of annoying little achievement bits in the middle of it. Still, I am hoping to pursue both my guitar and my writing in 2022, along with my German skills as well.
Mentally, things have been rather mixed. Lockdown wasn't too bad as there was a simplicity in it, while moving house in the middle of the year was the usual level of fraught. However, mid-year, I started having really weird crises of confidence, particularly about whether moving to Germany was the right idea. I think it was because I was now seeing friends socialising for the first time and was missing out, and this kicked my envy into overdrive. This was regardless of the fact we were seeing friends and having a good time here, particularly at Qualgeist, where we have started to meet a number of kinky people. Indeed, through Qualgeist, I have developed much greater body confidence and it has been edifying that some people have sought me out and wanted to play with me. Furthermore, since accepting my genderfluidity back in January, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin and have taken to wearing nail varnish, make-up and feminine clothes much more often. With support from Qualgeist friends and other furries, I am also doing this much more in public. The fact I have also lost 6kg recently, pushing my weight to its lowest level since May 2016, has been another confidence boost and I am hoping to get back on the weight loss trail in the New Year. I think a reduction in drinking and more walking has been the facilitators here. Despite all this though, I still struggle with feelings of anger, which has resulted in some instances of self-harm, while my mood swings mid-year were very extreme, lurching from excessive joy to deep depression, often in the same day. I have levelled out a lot more of late, aided by more regular trips to Qualgeist, with the submission making me feel useful and thus boosting my self-esteem. The negative emotions are still often there though and I regularly feel I live in flight or fight mode, something to work on for next year. Certainly, as I become more open sexually and more accepting of my body, aided by some supportive comments by fellow kinksters, the jealousy and feelings of inadequacy are starting to dissipate. However, it's still a long road and while I cannot tie my whole mindset towards my weight loss goals, I do think losing more weight will help.
So a mixed year all told really. I'm still enjoying living in Germany, despite the bureaucratic issues, as well as missing my friends and family in the UK. Wolfie has been back twice though and barely left the house, with COVID compliance far more lax there, and I certainly feel much much safer in Germany than I would do back in Leeds. I am confident though that things will be back to normal very soon and, once they are and I get my immigration sorted, the pattern should involve regular visits to see friends and family. If this happens, along with my writing, guitar and weight loss goals, then by the time I turn 40 next November, things could be in a neat place, particularly if I can get work sorted too. Everything is really in a holding pattern right now but I am hoping it's all set up for a really good 2022.
I hope you all have a happy new year and thanks for your support in 2021.
Partly due to COVID, I have yet to be called up for my immigration interview, which has been a source of huge frustration. Apparently, a portal will open on Saturday which will enable me to book my own appointment for the Spring, but I'll believe that when I see it. With little communication, it has been a source of real anguish over the last twelve months, not least because it has been prohibitive in travelling outside of Schnegen. Not having a date means not being able to plan, while the changing COVID rules were always looming, which means I have not yet made it back to the UK since we moved to Germany in November last year. Consequently, I have not seen my mother in nearly two years now, while it's also having knock-on effects with my job. I really need face-to-face meetings with senior management to push things on, as I feel I am treading water with little personal development, but I need the job to get my immigration card so I cannot really rock the boat right now. I do feel there is a good role for me at work, segued to their international expansion plans, but everything is so chaotic and lacking in structure, I don't yet have the belief that this is going to happen. We'll see I guess, and I am going to push this more heavily in the new year, but ultimately I am not learning very much and really need more money than what I am currently earning as everything is a little hand-to-mouth right now. Certainly, Nordic Fuzzcon's spending last month really pushed me into the red for November, which wouldn't have been the case three years ago at my old place (but of course I have also taken on more expense too and knew that this would be a sacrifice). My own business is plodding on without tearing up any trees, partly because it's none of our primary focuses any more. I am hoping this too changes in 2022.
We did manage to see a few friends towards the backend of 2021, but I would like to see more. I am hoping that will pick up in 2022. The same can be said for my command of the German language, which is slowly improving but nowhere near as good as I need it to be. Fourtunately, I have a few German friends who are tolerating me speaking German with them, which is aiding my fluency, but I still struggle in crowds, as well as when anyone is speaking really quickly. A few minutes of Duolingo a night really isn't cutting it, I am going to have to go to a language school in the new year.
I do feel I haven't achieved as much as I would like this year. Being in a Fandom of incredibly talented and creative people can be a real downer when you don't have an appreciated talent yourself. My book idea is still being considered with the publisher and I am hoping they will green light this soon as it would be a dream come true, while at least I have started to pick up guitar again in the last two months. This is happening much more slowly than I would like too, but then I can barely commit an hour a week to it right now. This is frustrating as there are so many people who have time to do so many more things than I do and I wonder where all the time goes for me. Work most likely, as it does tend to expand to fill the day, with a load of annoying little achievement bits in the middle of it. Still, I am hoping to pursue both my guitar and my writing in 2022, along with my German skills as well.
Mentally, things have been rather mixed. Lockdown wasn't too bad as there was a simplicity in it, while moving house in the middle of the year was the usual level of fraught. However, mid-year, I started having really weird crises of confidence, particularly about whether moving to Germany was the right idea. I think it was because I was now seeing friends socialising for the first time and was missing out, and this kicked my envy into overdrive. This was regardless of the fact we were seeing friends and having a good time here, particularly at Qualgeist, where we have started to meet a number of kinky people. Indeed, through Qualgeist, I have developed much greater body confidence and it has been edifying that some people have sought me out and wanted to play with me. Furthermore, since accepting my genderfluidity back in January, I feel much more comfortable in my own skin and have taken to wearing nail varnish, make-up and feminine clothes much more often. With support from Qualgeist friends and other furries, I am also doing this much more in public. The fact I have also lost 6kg recently, pushing my weight to its lowest level since May 2016, has been another confidence boost and I am hoping to get back on the weight loss trail in the New Year. I think a reduction in drinking and more walking has been the facilitators here. Despite all this though, I still struggle with feelings of anger, which has resulted in some instances of self-harm, while my mood swings mid-year were very extreme, lurching from excessive joy to deep depression, often in the same day. I have levelled out a lot more of late, aided by more regular trips to Qualgeist, with the submission making me feel useful and thus boosting my self-esteem. The negative emotions are still often there though and I regularly feel I live in flight or fight mode, something to work on for next year. Certainly, as I become more open sexually and more accepting of my body, aided by some supportive comments by fellow kinksters, the jealousy and feelings of inadequacy are starting to dissipate. However, it's still a long road and while I cannot tie my whole mindset towards my weight loss goals, I do think losing more weight will help.
So a mixed year all told really. I'm still enjoying living in Germany, despite the bureaucratic issues, as well as missing my friends and family in the UK. Wolfie has been back twice though and barely left the house, with COVID compliance far more lax there, and I certainly feel much much safer in Germany than I would do back in Leeds. I am confident though that things will be back to normal very soon and, once they are and I get my immigration sorted, the pattern should involve regular visits to see friends and family. If this happens, along with my writing, guitar and weight loss goals, then by the time I turn 40 next November, things could be in a neat place, particularly if I can get work sorted too. Everything is really in a holding pattern right now but I am hoping it's all set up for a really good 2022.
I hope you all have a happy new year and thanks for your support in 2021.
