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Darling, Happy Birthday
Mar. 12th, 2022 11:37 pmTo describe this week as horrendous would be an understatement. I have worked 60 hours, battled self-harm and depression, and although today has been much brighter, I am still weighed down by a range of neuroses. Things have been declining for much of the year and while January and February at least were productive, things have ground to a halt this month.
Part of this relates to the war in Ukraine, which is affecting me much harder than I admit, while part of it has been the sheer increase in workload without being given any relief. We launched the Indian project yesterday, four days late but still a long way from where we need it to be. While doing this, I have also been doing my usual day-to-day job, and with the Cheltenham Festival taking place next week, this has seen an increase in workload here too. Consequently, I have not had a proper day off since last Saturday, with even today neessitating a two-hour workday just to ensure things are vaguely on track. While I am looking at the bigger picture - a promotion and hopefully a payrise - and thus am happy to put the effort in, sometimes it does get a little too much and I feel overwhelmed. I haven't had a week-long break since November, with Christmas and New Year's Day being my only non-weekend days off since, so I am really looking forward to my break back in the UK in three weeks' time. Furthermore, at least the weather has gotten sunny again and it doesn't get dark until after 6:30pm, so a lengthy walk today has really put me in a better mood.
I am somewhat reassured that, like sub space, my mood can really swing between dizzying highs and crippling lows so I know the current malaise is not necessarily permanent. However, the fear I have is the lack of control. Right now, I am experiencing far deeper lows far more often and while I am sentient enough not to act on my darkest thoughts, I am fearful that this bond will break. The self-harm, which I did again on Thursday for the first time since New Year, is one manifestation of this but it can get worse.
I have tried speaking with Wolfie, and I am getting far better at opening up to him, but he still doesn't understand depression and some of his mannerisms are exacerbating my low feelings of self-worth. It's little things he doesn't realise are important - making the bed, doing the washing-up promptly, perhaps going out shopping or to the trash so I don't have to do it - but it is these things that wear me down. I know he tries, and sometimes I feel I am being selfish, but other times I feel I am left to do almost everything such is my submissive servile nature. It's the same situation with work, which is what has seen me work 60 hour weeks. I guess I am so lucky to have a job and a partner that I don't feel I deserve it, thus I work too hard to try and retain them, thus burning myself out. Then I feel down, angry or stressed which then makes me feel bad, and the cycle continues. It's something I need to break.
I also need to sort out some of my petty jealousies. I am envious of people going to cons and events when I am not there for fear of missing out. This completely overlooks the fact I will probably do three or four cons this year. I'm also humbled by the number of people who want to see me when I return to the UK in two weeks' time, while despite being envious of people's sexual and fetish experiences, I also have to remember I have Qualgeist on my doorstep, a wonderful Master and now a Mistress who adores playing with me too. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and I really need to remind myself of that. I guess part of the issue is striving to be popular, a nonsense in the Fandom really, particularly as I see other people's fursuit and fetish content liked far more than my own. I shouldn't tie my own self-worth to any of this, but I often do.
There's not much happening this week on account of saving money, but we may go out next week for a few meals to break the routine. The new Placebo and Rammstein songs are fantastic so there looks like to be some good music coming soon while my guitar playing at least is slowly getting better. Aside from that, it's been largely a week of work and I am hoping to claim a few hours back next week if I can. I guess we'll see if that does happen.
Part of this relates to the war in Ukraine, which is affecting me much harder than I admit, while part of it has been the sheer increase in workload without being given any relief. We launched the Indian project yesterday, four days late but still a long way from where we need it to be. While doing this, I have also been doing my usual day-to-day job, and with the Cheltenham Festival taking place next week, this has seen an increase in workload here too. Consequently, I have not had a proper day off since last Saturday, with even today neessitating a two-hour workday just to ensure things are vaguely on track. While I am looking at the bigger picture - a promotion and hopefully a payrise - and thus am happy to put the effort in, sometimes it does get a little too much and I feel overwhelmed. I haven't had a week-long break since November, with Christmas and New Year's Day being my only non-weekend days off since, so I am really looking forward to my break back in the UK in three weeks' time. Furthermore, at least the weather has gotten sunny again and it doesn't get dark until after 6:30pm, so a lengthy walk today has really put me in a better mood.
I am somewhat reassured that, like sub space, my mood can really swing between dizzying highs and crippling lows so I know the current malaise is not necessarily permanent. However, the fear I have is the lack of control. Right now, I am experiencing far deeper lows far more often and while I am sentient enough not to act on my darkest thoughts, I am fearful that this bond will break. The self-harm, which I did again on Thursday for the first time since New Year, is one manifestation of this but it can get worse.
I have tried speaking with Wolfie, and I am getting far better at opening up to him, but he still doesn't understand depression and some of his mannerisms are exacerbating my low feelings of self-worth. It's little things he doesn't realise are important - making the bed, doing the washing-up promptly, perhaps going out shopping or to the trash so I don't have to do it - but it is these things that wear me down. I know he tries, and sometimes I feel I am being selfish, but other times I feel I am left to do almost everything such is my submissive servile nature. It's the same situation with work, which is what has seen me work 60 hour weeks. I guess I am so lucky to have a job and a partner that I don't feel I deserve it, thus I work too hard to try and retain them, thus burning myself out. Then I feel down, angry or stressed which then makes me feel bad, and the cycle continues. It's something I need to break.
I also need to sort out some of my petty jealousies. I am envious of people going to cons and events when I am not there for fear of missing out. This completely overlooks the fact I will probably do three or four cons this year. I'm also humbled by the number of people who want to see me when I return to the UK in two weeks' time, while despite being envious of people's sexual and fetish experiences, I also have to remember I have Qualgeist on my doorstep, a wonderful Master and now a Mistress who adores playing with me too. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and I really need to remind myself of that. I guess part of the issue is striving to be popular, a nonsense in the Fandom really, particularly as I see other people's fursuit and fetish content liked far more than my own. I shouldn't tie my own self-worth to any of this, but I often do.
There's not much happening this week on account of saving money, but we may go out next week for a few meals to break the routine. The new Placebo and Rammstein songs are fantastic so there looks like to be some good music coming soon while my guitar playing at least is slowly getting better. Aside from that, it's been largely a week of work and I am hoping to claim a few hours back next week if I can. I guess we'll see if that does happen.
