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It's fair to say, both objectively and subjectively, that this has been the worst year of my life (even worse than the period of my parents' divorce in 2004 and 2005). Many of these things have been external, but reading back at my review of 2021, where I wrote that I felt everything was set up nicely for a good year, I cannot believe just how awry things have become.
The war in Ukraine and the resultant energy crisis have led to a fall in living standards, not aided by the fact I am running two homes right now, one in the UK and one in Germany. I did get a modest pay rise towards the end of the year, with the promise of another review in April, but inflation is really eating into my budget. This has meant we have had to sacrifice certain things in order to do other things, something which was not the case a few years ago. I am aware that moving to Germany had its sacrifices and this would be one of them, but I did think that after two years in my current job, things would have moved on more positively than they have.
There are signs that this may change, but fundamentally, things have gotten worse since the summer. One of the few bright spots of the year was finally receiving my residency permit in Germany, with the interview taking place in May and my card being delivered in early July. This has given me greater flexibility to find a new role, which is something I have half-heartedly been doing over the past six months. The main issues at work stem from a lack of organisation, a lack of career development and a toxic manager for whom I can do little right. I am scared to ask a question in case I suffer another berating, whereas he takes my work and amends it for his own purposes, meaning I am not sure how well I am performing as there is rarely any feedback. In making changes, I sometimes question whether I have made a mistake or whether I haven't. Furthermore, I have been sat on a new job description for 16 months now, so there is no career progression either. Indeed, my professional life is going backwards. Four years ago, I was managing 80 people, now I am just updating a website and allowing my manager to amend my work. I have successfully managed a few projects this year and there is talk of doing more in the future - as well as moving team - but things need to happen quickly as my mental health has deteriorated. I am meeting the CEO next week, where I'll have to lay it all on the line.
Whereas I entered 2022 with some hope, I leave it looking forward to seeing the back of it. The opening months were sedate, but since the war in Ukraine started in late February, things have gotten worse. Not only is this an existential battle between democracy and fascism, this affects a large number of my Ukrainian friends directly, let alone our wider European freedoms. Some of my friends have been displaced, while others are fighting the war on the frontline, so I do feel incredibly worried for them. The same is true of my Russian furry friends too, who have been impacted by the draconian anti-LGBT law enacted in the country, if they have not had opportunity to flee. Right now, it looks like Ukraine is prevailing and I have tried to help in every way I can, particularly through financial donations. I am hoping a swift end to the conflict with a decisive Ukrainian victory.
Another reason why my mental health has suffered is the raft of bad news we have had to endure this year. It has just been coming and coming. My grandfather died on 17 March, three weeks before I was due to visit him for his 93rd birthday, and I am upset that I did not get to see him in the final four years of his life. Illness and COVID had a huge role to play, but had I gone back to the UK sooner, then maybe I could have seen him one last time. I was touched by the fact that he kept some of my letters I had written to him from Berlin and his funeral was a good opportunity to catch up with family. He was 92 years old and I must remain philosophical about death at that age, but he was the last of my remaining grandparents, which means that this generation has now fully departed us. This, along with being 40 in November, has put mortaility firmly in the spotlight.
Two months later and I heard the news that my uncle had prostate cancer and was undergoing a scan. Fortunately, it proved to be reasonably benign, but this has again highlighted the fragility of life. Towards the end of the year, our friend Vrek succummed to stomach cancer, dying just three weeks after being diagonsed with it. He was of a similar age to me and hearing the news during the early hours of Christmas morning was a real punch. He wasn't a close friend and I do wish we had spent more time with him, but he was close to Funky and Shiro, both of whom we deeply care about. Then there was another of our close friends, who has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and thus does not have long to live, while there were a few other UK furs who also died from the disease throughout the year. In the summer, one of my SE Asian friends committed suicide too, so it's not surprising that my mental health has suffered. I am not very good at dealing with grief and I am still struggling to process everything, which may explain the lack of sleep, lethargy and nightmares I have endured for the past two months.
The nadir of my own mental health issues was September and October, when I sought medical treatment for depression. This was borne back in August when we had a routine medical check-up following contracting COVID in June. This was at the behest of my mistress, who refused to play with me unless I was medically sound. The doctor noticed my self-harm scars, linking it with my general behaviour, and highlighted the need to get diagnosed, something I followed up two months later. Since late October, I have been sat on a referral for ADHD and Asperger's but the procedure is so complicated in Germany that I haven't had the time or inclination to deal with it. I know I must at some point though as the strong feelings I have had this year could become even more unmanagable. This has included feelings of suicide so I know it's important to get sorted.
My job situation has been one of the main triggers of this, but I know there is an underlying issue which really needs to be resolved. My mother knows this too, admitting as much back when I got the referral. Another issue that has been triggering this has been my general feelings of worry, particularly concerning the house back in the UK. Having gone back a few times, I realise just how much I love it, even if it is in the wrong part of the country. A minor guttering issue which caused internal mould in November has highlighted just how fragile the house is, with this feeling not helped by gaps in our insurance policy due to the house being unoccupied. I had hoped by now to have a tenant in there, but Wolfie is refusing, so I guess I'll just have to try and deal with my anxiety. At least it's being regularly checked. I have also had doubts about a range of bureaucracy - tax affairs in Germany (which were resolved), voting rights in the UK (which again were resolved) and a load of scrappy little things I haven't yet done but wonder whether it would be too much hassle for very little gain. The situation regarding dentists is one example. I am petrified of doing the wrong thing and this has been exacerbated by my work situation, where I have no autonomy or freedom to make my own decisions. Indeed, I go into work every day expecting to be criticised and that's not a healthy place to be. This has resulted in a dramatic increase in my paranoia, which is aligned with a fear I'll throw the only good things about this year away (see below). This has increased the pressure I have put on myself, which becomes a cicular problem.
Wolfie has had a torrid year too, having been unemployed for most of it. When he did get a job, in August, he was doing well but was shocked when he was told he had not passed his probation three weeks ago. The excuse they gave was anemic at best and he had had no warning or opportunity to resolve what was an easily resolvable issue, which suggests to me the story is far deeper. Ultimately, it means that Wolfie is back to square one when it comes to jobs and his confidence has taken another hit. There is some optimism here and he does have an interview next week, but his lack of luck has really affected both of us. It has also delayed my decision to resign from my current place of work as ultimately we still need one income coming in. In addition to this, the company I own hasn't really gone anywhere either, with my fellow directors more focused on their full-time jobs or with personal issues of their own. Things have picked up a little in December, but it's looking like we'll earn less money this year than we did last, making my finances even tighter.
A lack of money has been another heavy weight this year. Fortunately, Berlin is a wonderful city in the summer, with loads of things to do, meaning you can be quite frugal with costs. I have lamented my lack of travel though, although Trax's cruise in August and the San Marino trip in October were two things we have done. I managed to get to 60 countries with those two trips, a target I set before my 40th birthday in November, while attending the likes of the Berlin Sommerfest, LGBT market and CSD in the German capital made up for the lack of travel we have done across Germany this year. EF was another highlight, while we have enjoyed having a number of friends over to stay. I am hoping to be more adventurous next year but with three cons booked already, I am having to prioritise funds there. This is why December (and most likely January) will be months with little going on.
Another issue here is our lack of friends. We have been trying, but there seems to be a general lack of interest in meeting up or plans are made so last-minute that we cannot go. The Fureigners chat has become far more geek and computer orientated in recent months, while our command of German isn't strong enough to feel welcome at the regular furmeets. We have been to Qualgeist off and on over the last 12 months, but not as much as I had expected, largely because I haven't had the desire or inclination to go anywhere. Indeed, I have become quite reclusive and one of the reasons why is a fear of speaking German, particularly since a number of people have commented on my indistinguishable accent. I am reading Berliner Zeitung daily and I am learning a few new words a day, but progress is nowhere near quick enough and quite frankly I feel stupid. I'll have to do a course or something next year, but time and money is pressing. I am also hoping to start a craft beer event for the handful of close friends we do have here, hoping to at least get a little group set up. I think we're going to have to, as I have never felt as strong a desire to just pack up and go back to the UK, despite the considerable disadvantages of living there. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I am getting close, not least because the four trips back to the UK have made me realise that all of our close friends are still there.
So it's fair to say that things aren't working out and I can only hope that 2023 is a better year. That's not to say that things have been all bad though - indeed there has been one huge breakthrough in the last few months. I have dedicated a lot of my spare time this year to writing and in September, I submitted my first ever piece to a publisher. It was a little speculative and I was quite apprehensive, but the story I wrote was the best I could do in the time I had. Three weeks later, I was told that it had been accepted in an anthology, which should be published in the next few weeks. In October, I wrote another piece, which I submitted for a different book in early November. This too has been accepted, meaning I will have two published stories in furry anthologies in the near future. This has been a dream of mine for so long and in many ways I regret waiting ten years to realise it. Still, better late than never, and this has spurred me on to continue writing. I have resurrected my SoFurry account and have started publishing a few old conbook stories, while I have a few new ideas too which I am hoping to explore in the new year. I also have a couple of writing buddies with whom I regularly liaise and I may look to join the Furry Writers' Guild too, which is another dream of mine.
The other thing that has improved this year is my sex and kink life. Since meeting Levia late last year, she has taken me on a journey regarding kink and has enabled me to discover my self-worth through my submission. Wolfie, of course, has helped too although sometimes I feel he's much more ambivalent. Our relationship has been very much on an even keel but I would like a little more passion, as well as periods where he would dominate me more. I'd also like to do more kink stuff but work, life and tiredness get in the way. Despite this, I have had a far more varied sex life this year, as well as having increased confidence to share kink-related pictures, particularly my pony and pet suit ones. I am hoping to build on this in 2023, and I have a few plans already for some of the cons I'll be attending. I also have a nice group of kink friends now with whom I can explore a number of my fetishes, while I have been heartened to discover some people find me sexually attracive. I still struggle around sex, but I am getting better, I just need to improve my confidence and take a few risks in this area.
So that's pretty much everything - a largely dire year with a few bright spots. Going into 2023, I'll try and take these bright spots and grow them, but uncertainity will still haunt us, at least until the Spring. I would like to feel secure again, like I did in the early 2010s, but maybe those days are gone. As I enter my fourties - something I wasn't looking forward to, but in the end became an irrelevance - I need to forge on with my new-found confidence in certain areas and apply this to others, not least my career. I may have to be bold and make big decisions, but I'm sure the right answers will become clear at the right time. I still want to make the most of living in Berlin - we've done okay this year but there's still so much more to do - but if we need to move back, I would no longer be sad. I don't want to live in regret though so I hope we can find the right path, even if it's proving rather difficult right now.
The war in Ukraine and the resultant energy crisis have led to a fall in living standards, not aided by the fact I am running two homes right now, one in the UK and one in Germany. I did get a modest pay rise towards the end of the year, with the promise of another review in April, but inflation is really eating into my budget. This has meant we have had to sacrifice certain things in order to do other things, something which was not the case a few years ago. I am aware that moving to Germany had its sacrifices and this would be one of them, but I did think that after two years in my current job, things would have moved on more positively than they have.
There are signs that this may change, but fundamentally, things have gotten worse since the summer. One of the few bright spots of the year was finally receiving my residency permit in Germany, with the interview taking place in May and my card being delivered in early July. This has given me greater flexibility to find a new role, which is something I have half-heartedly been doing over the past six months. The main issues at work stem from a lack of organisation, a lack of career development and a toxic manager for whom I can do little right. I am scared to ask a question in case I suffer another berating, whereas he takes my work and amends it for his own purposes, meaning I am not sure how well I am performing as there is rarely any feedback. In making changes, I sometimes question whether I have made a mistake or whether I haven't. Furthermore, I have been sat on a new job description for 16 months now, so there is no career progression either. Indeed, my professional life is going backwards. Four years ago, I was managing 80 people, now I am just updating a website and allowing my manager to amend my work. I have successfully managed a few projects this year and there is talk of doing more in the future - as well as moving team - but things need to happen quickly as my mental health has deteriorated. I am meeting the CEO next week, where I'll have to lay it all on the line.
Whereas I entered 2022 with some hope, I leave it looking forward to seeing the back of it. The opening months were sedate, but since the war in Ukraine started in late February, things have gotten worse. Not only is this an existential battle between democracy and fascism, this affects a large number of my Ukrainian friends directly, let alone our wider European freedoms. Some of my friends have been displaced, while others are fighting the war on the frontline, so I do feel incredibly worried for them. The same is true of my Russian furry friends too, who have been impacted by the draconian anti-LGBT law enacted in the country, if they have not had opportunity to flee. Right now, it looks like Ukraine is prevailing and I have tried to help in every way I can, particularly through financial donations. I am hoping a swift end to the conflict with a decisive Ukrainian victory.
Another reason why my mental health has suffered is the raft of bad news we have had to endure this year. It has just been coming and coming. My grandfather died on 17 March, three weeks before I was due to visit him for his 93rd birthday, and I am upset that I did not get to see him in the final four years of his life. Illness and COVID had a huge role to play, but had I gone back to the UK sooner, then maybe I could have seen him one last time. I was touched by the fact that he kept some of my letters I had written to him from Berlin and his funeral was a good opportunity to catch up with family. He was 92 years old and I must remain philosophical about death at that age, but he was the last of my remaining grandparents, which means that this generation has now fully departed us. This, along with being 40 in November, has put mortaility firmly in the spotlight.
Two months later and I heard the news that my uncle had prostate cancer and was undergoing a scan. Fortunately, it proved to be reasonably benign, but this has again highlighted the fragility of life. Towards the end of the year, our friend Vrek succummed to stomach cancer, dying just three weeks after being diagonsed with it. He was of a similar age to me and hearing the news during the early hours of Christmas morning was a real punch. He wasn't a close friend and I do wish we had spent more time with him, but he was close to Funky and Shiro, both of whom we deeply care about. Then there was another of our close friends, who has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and thus does not have long to live, while there were a few other UK furs who also died from the disease throughout the year. In the summer, one of my SE Asian friends committed suicide too, so it's not surprising that my mental health has suffered. I am not very good at dealing with grief and I am still struggling to process everything, which may explain the lack of sleep, lethargy and nightmares I have endured for the past two months.
The nadir of my own mental health issues was September and October, when I sought medical treatment for depression. This was borne back in August when we had a routine medical check-up following contracting COVID in June. This was at the behest of my mistress, who refused to play with me unless I was medically sound. The doctor noticed my self-harm scars, linking it with my general behaviour, and highlighted the need to get diagnosed, something I followed up two months later. Since late October, I have been sat on a referral for ADHD and Asperger's but the procedure is so complicated in Germany that I haven't had the time or inclination to deal with it. I know I must at some point though as the strong feelings I have had this year could become even more unmanagable. This has included feelings of suicide so I know it's important to get sorted.
My job situation has been one of the main triggers of this, but I know there is an underlying issue which really needs to be resolved. My mother knows this too, admitting as much back when I got the referral. Another issue that has been triggering this has been my general feelings of worry, particularly concerning the house back in the UK. Having gone back a few times, I realise just how much I love it, even if it is in the wrong part of the country. A minor guttering issue which caused internal mould in November has highlighted just how fragile the house is, with this feeling not helped by gaps in our insurance policy due to the house being unoccupied. I had hoped by now to have a tenant in there, but Wolfie is refusing, so I guess I'll just have to try and deal with my anxiety. At least it's being regularly checked. I have also had doubts about a range of bureaucracy - tax affairs in Germany (which were resolved), voting rights in the UK (which again were resolved) and a load of scrappy little things I haven't yet done but wonder whether it would be too much hassle for very little gain. The situation regarding dentists is one example. I am petrified of doing the wrong thing and this has been exacerbated by my work situation, where I have no autonomy or freedom to make my own decisions. Indeed, I go into work every day expecting to be criticised and that's not a healthy place to be. This has resulted in a dramatic increase in my paranoia, which is aligned with a fear I'll throw the only good things about this year away (see below). This has increased the pressure I have put on myself, which becomes a cicular problem.
Wolfie has had a torrid year too, having been unemployed for most of it. When he did get a job, in August, he was doing well but was shocked when he was told he had not passed his probation three weeks ago. The excuse they gave was anemic at best and he had had no warning or opportunity to resolve what was an easily resolvable issue, which suggests to me the story is far deeper. Ultimately, it means that Wolfie is back to square one when it comes to jobs and his confidence has taken another hit. There is some optimism here and he does have an interview next week, but his lack of luck has really affected both of us. It has also delayed my decision to resign from my current place of work as ultimately we still need one income coming in. In addition to this, the company I own hasn't really gone anywhere either, with my fellow directors more focused on their full-time jobs or with personal issues of their own. Things have picked up a little in December, but it's looking like we'll earn less money this year than we did last, making my finances even tighter.
A lack of money has been another heavy weight this year. Fortunately, Berlin is a wonderful city in the summer, with loads of things to do, meaning you can be quite frugal with costs. I have lamented my lack of travel though, although Trax's cruise in August and the San Marino trip in October were two things we have done. I managed to get to 60 countries with those two trips, a target I set before my 40th birthday in November, while attending the likes of the Berlin Sommerfest, LGBT market and CSD in the German capital made up for the lack of travel we have done across Germany this year. EF was another highlight, while we have enjoyed having a number of friends over to stay. I am hoping to be more adventurous next year but with three cons booked already, I am having to prioritise funds there. This is why December (and most likely January) will be months with little going on.
Another issue here is our lack of friends. We have been trying, but there seems to be a general lack of interest in meeting up or plans are made so last-minute that we cannot go. The Fureigners chat has become far more geek and computer orientated in recent months, while our command of German isn't strong enough to feel welcome at the regular furmeets. We have been to Qualgeist off and on over the last 12 months, but not as much as I had expected, largely because I haven't had the desire or inclination to go anywhere. Indeed, I have become quite reclusive and one of the reasons why is a fear of speaking German, particularly since a number of people have commented on my indistinguishable accent. I am reading Berliner Zeitung daily and I am learning a few new words a day, but progress is nowhere near quick enough and quite frankly I feel stupid. I'll have to do a course or something next year, but time and money is pressing. I am also hoping to start a craft beer event for the handful of close friends we do have here, hoping to at least get a little group set up. I think we're going to have to, as I have never felt as strong a desire to just pack up and go back to the UK, despite the considerable disadvantages of living there. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I am getting close, not least because the four trips back to the UK have made me realise that all of our close friends are still there.
So it's fair to say that things aren't working out and I can only hope that 2023 is a better year. That's not to say that things have been all bad though - indeed there has been one huge breakthrough in the last few months. I have dedicated a lot of my spare time this year to writing and in September, I submitted my first ever piece to a publisher. It was a little speculative and I was quite apprehensive, but the story I wrote was the best I could do in the time I had. Three weeks later, I was told that it had been accepted in an anthology, which should be published in the next few weeks. In October, I wrote another piece, which I submitted for a different book in early November. This too has been accepted, meaning I will have two published stories in furry anthologies in the near future. This has been a dream of mine for so long and in many ways I regret waiting ten years to realise it. Still, better late than never, and this has spurred me on to continue writing. I have resurrected my SoFurry account and have started publishing a few old conbook stories, while I have a few new ideas too which I am hoping to explore in the new year. I also have a couple of writing buddies with whom I regularly liaise and I may look to join the Furry Writers' Guild too, which is another dream of mine.
The other thing that has improved this year is my sex and kink life. Since meeting Levia late last year, she has taken me on a journey regarding kink and has enabled me to discover my self-worth through my submission. Wolfie, of course, has helped too although sometimes I feel he's much more ambivalent. Our relationship has been very much on an even keel but I would like a little more passion, as well as periods where he would dominate me more. I'd also like to do more kink stuff but work, life and tiredness get in the way. Despite this, I have had a far more varied sex life this year, as well as having increased confidence to share kink-related pictures, particularly my pony and pet suit ones. I am hoping to build on this in 2023, and I have a few plans already for some of the cons I'll be attending. I also have a nice group of kink friends now with whom I can explore a number of my fetishes, while I have been heartened to discover some people find me sexually attracive. I still struggle around sex, but I am getting better, I just need to improve my confidence and take a few risks in this area.
So that's pretty much everything - a largely dire year with a few bright spots. Going into 2023, I'll try and take these bright spots and grow them, but uncertainity will still haunt us, at least until the Spring. I would like to feel secure again, like I did in the early 2010s, but maybe those days are gone. As I enter my fourties - something I wasn't looking forward to, but in the end became an irrelevance - I need to forge on with my new-found confidence in certain areas and apply this to others, not least my career. I may have to be bold and make big decisions, but I'm sure the right answers will become clear at the right time. I still want to make the most of living in Berlin - we've done okay this year but there's still so much more to do - but if we need to move back, I would no longer be sad. I don't want to live in regret though so I hope we can find the right path, even if it's proving rather difficult right now.
