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Cocoon Shedding
Feb. 11th, 2023 05:40 pmOne of the big positives of Scotiacon was seeing so many of my trans friends both beautiful and happy. I also made some new friends too, some of whom have transitioned. This has resulted in some serious self-reflection, which is why I am writing this post. I don't mean to offend, it's very much a mind dump as I try and work through my own feelings, so apologies if any of this comes off as clumsily written.
In January 2021, I accepted I am genderfluid. However, there has always been a nagging doubt as to whether this is merely a stepping stone to accepting being trans. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a girl. As a child, I was more interested in perceived 'girly' things like Care Bears and My Little Pony as opposed to playing with swords inspired by the likes of He-Man. The late Eighties were far more gender segregated and things have thankfully changed significantly since then, but this is where the story starts.
The rise of Eddie Izzard in the mid-Nineties was another trigger. She was a pioneer and certainly allowed me to embrace transvestism, which was something that she awoke in me. Again, whether this was an aspect of being trans manifesting itself in feminine clothing or a completely separate thing, I am unsure. At the time, trans people were the butt of jokes and growing up in the North-East of England under Section 28, there was no talk whatsoever beyond the accepted heteronormative lifestyle. Again, thankfully things have changed significantly.
Being a fat kid brings with it a range of issues, many of them related to childhood bullying. I have been overweight since the age of six, but ballooned when I lived in the United States. This saw me reach 69kg by the age of 12 and although I dropped 22kg the following year, my self-perception was always of being fat (this is despite the average weight for a 13-year-old boy is 46kg when I was 47kg). Fatphobia at the time was common, even in my family, which has contribued to my dysphoria. I have always battled with my weight and have tried, unsuccessfully, to shift it over the last decade but work and stress usually result in me turning to alcohol and treats. I haven't put weight on, but nor have I lost any. I do feel that losing some of the gut will help and I'm going to make a concerted effort after Nordic Fuzzcon next week. While I know many overweight people who are beautiful, I don't feel this can ever be applied to me. It's a double standard and a hypocrisy, but feelings aren't always rational.
At Scotiacon, I met many trans people of differing body shapes who have transitioned and look wonderful. This includes people who are slightly larger. One of my main fears about transitioning is presenting as an ugly woman, this neuroses being based largely on my weight. Added to this is the societal opprobrium trans people increasingly face. I don't think I have the mental strength to be able deal with that, not on a day-to-day basis, so I have real fears about standing out. I am fortunate the fandom will support me, as will my partner, while I am pretty sure my family would be okay too. However, work is a huge question mark and of course wider society is moving in the opposite direction regarding trans rights. This is the case even in Berlin, but should we move back to the UK (which is becoming increasingly likely), then I am not sure I could do it.
My gender does oscillate, but I feel far more strongly female than I do male, and for most of the time too. Furthermore, I feel uncomfortable whenever anyone uses my real name or masculine pronouns to describe me, be it singularly or in a group. I have also really started to dislike my real name and cringe whenever I see it on official documentation. I really would like to use she/her and my preferred name, but I'm scared I won't be seen as authentic. I even have to use 'they' rather than 'she' when talking about myself in Biographies in furry fiction I'm so terrified. I also don't want to inconvenience people, which is quite possibly the worst reason not to do something.
Another fear is my age. I'm now 40 and am concerned that I'm getting too old to transition. I am searching for answers and I know there are things that will help. I must act on the ADHD referral I received from the doctor in late October as this may help calm my mind, plus the psychotherapist I'm hoping to use is LGBT positive and thus I can bring this up. I'm also going to start presenting female more around the house, particularly at work. I work from home so I should be able to do this pretty easily. I feel far freer in female clothing and maybe this will help me accept myself. Furthermore, a few trans friends have offered to talk things through with me, which I think will help.
For so long I have been running away from something and never finding the answers. I thought the move to Berlin would resolve it, but it did not. I thought focusing on work would shield me from it, but it hasn't. This is something I need to confront and work though, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Either way, hopefully, at some point, I can finally be settled and work out who I am. Thanks for reading and for your patience.
In January 2021, I accepted I am genderfluid. However, there has always been a nagging doubt as to whether this is merely a stepping stone to accepting being trans. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a girl. As a child, I was more interested in perceived 'girly' things like Care Bears and My Little Pony as opposed to playing with swords inspired by the likes of He-Man. The late Eighties were far more gender segregated and things have thankfully changed significantly since then, but this is where the story starts.
The rise of Eddie Izzard in the mid-Nineties was another trigger. She was a pioneer and certainly allowed me to embrace transvestism, which was something that she awoke in me. Again, whether this was an aspect of being trans manifesting itself in feminine clothing or a completely separate thing, I am unsure. At the time, trans people were the butt of jokes and growing up in the North-East of England under Section 28, there was no talk whatsoever beyond the accepted heteronormative lifestyle. Again, thankfully things have changed significantly.
Being a fat kid brings with it a range of issues, many of them related to childhood bullying. I have been overweight since the age of six, but ballooned when I lived in the United States. This saw me reach 69kg by the age of 12 and although I dropped 22kg the following year, my self-perception was always of being fat (this is despite the average weight for a 13-year-old boy is 46kg when I was 47kg). Fatphobia at the time was common, even in my family, which has contribued to my dysphoria. I have always battled with my weight and have tried, unsuccessfully, to shift it over the last decade but work and stress usually result in me turning to alcohol and treats. I haven't put weight on, but nor have I lost any. I do feel that losing some of the gut will help and I'm going to make a concerted effort after Nordic Fuzzcon next week. While I know many overweight people who are beautiful, I don't feel this can ever be applied to me. It's a double standard and a hypocrisy, but feelings aren't always rational.
At Scotiacon, I met many trans people of differing body shapes who have transitioned and look wonderful. This includes people who are slightly larger. One of my main fears about transitioning is presenting as an ugly woman, this neuroses being based largely on my weight. Added to this is the societal opprobrium trans people increasingly face. I don't think I have the mental strength to be able deal with that, not on a day-to-day basis, so I have real fears about standing out. I am fortunate the fandom will support me, as will my partner, while I am pretty sure my family would be okay too. However, work is a huge question mark and of course wider society is moving in the opposite direction regarding trans rights. This is the case even in Berlin, but should we move back to the UK (which is becoming increasingly likely), then I am not sure I could do it.
My gender does oscillate, but I feel far more strongly female than I do male, and for most of the time too. Furthermore, I feel uncomfortable whenever anyone uses my real name or masculine pronouns to describe me, be it singularly or in a group. I have also really started to dislike my real name and cringe whenever I see it on official documentation. I really would like to use she/her and my preferred name, but I'm scared I won't be seen as authentic. I even have to use 'they' rather than 'she' when talking about myself in Biographies in furry fiction I'm so terrified. I also don't want to inconvenience people, which is quite possibly the worst reason not to do something.
Another fear is my age. I'm now 40 and am concerned that I'm getting too old to transition. I am searching for answers and I know there are things that will help. I must act on the ADHD referral I received from the doctor in late October as this may help calm my mind, plus the psychotherapist I'm hoping to use is LGBT positive and thus I can bring this up. I'm also going to start presenting female more around the house, particularly at work. I work from home so I should be able to do this pretty easily. I feel far freer in female clothing and maybe this will help me accept myself. Furthermore, a few trans friends have offered to talk things through with me, which I think will help.
For so long I have been running away from something and never finding the answers. I thought the move to Berlin would resolve it, but it did not. I thought focusing on work would shield me from it, but it hasn't. This is something I need to confront and work though, perhaps with the help of a therapist. Either way, hopefully, at some point, I can finally be settled and work out who I am. Thanks for reading and for your patience.
