Alda Syndanna
Oct. 30th, 2022 11:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeSometimes it feels that everything is coming all at once, which makes everything seem so disorientating. The job over the last week has deteriorated, ending in a truly horrendous Thursday and Friday, which is making me feel apprehensive about the forthcoming week. Adding to the pressure was the job interview I had on Thursday, which did seem to go rather well. However, they are a company based in London, meaning there could be a few issues regarding remaining in Germany. I guess we'll just have to see what happens with that though and I'll try and assuage any fears they may have should they come back to me. I submitted a portfolio and some testimonials late on Friday so the ball is in their court.
Tuesday saw me head back to the doctors' surgery for my pyschological assessment. This resulted in my doctor providing me with a referral for psyhiatric and psychological care. The form suggests I may have ADHD or Aspergers, with the need for a diagonsis on this basis, but I do have to find the relevant people myself. Considering the pool of pyschiatrists and pscyhologists has not been widened since the 1950s, I suspect that'll be hard. I've already had a rejection from the first psychologist I have approached, but I have found a psychiatrist who is local and LGBT friendly, as well as English speaking, so I may try contacting her at the start of next week. It's interesting as this all came about when my doctor noticed the scars on my body following my physical exam back in August, although she also noted that there were aspects of my behaviour which were flashing lights to her. She admitted it could be any number of things though and she didn't want to prescribe anything there and then, but at least it's a constructive step in the right direction in terms of getting this sorted. I probably should have done it in the mid-2000s but the prevalence for mental health wasn't there then. I also know that although work is largely triggering this, it is only the trigger, there is something underneath which can never seem to be alleviated. This is why I need help.
This weekend was a hot one, unseasonably so for this time of year, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I had originally wanted to go to Cottbus, but my doctor queried my motivation and in the end, we didn't get up early enough. The initial plan was to go out on Saturday but the weather today was better, so I postponed it in favour of completing a personal project. Last night, we did go down to Salt & Pepper for a steak dinner - a place that, scandilously, we hadn't visited for so long. I was craving a steak, and the jacket potato with sour cream it came with was divine, my digestion system's reaction was far less godly. It's amazing after a predominently vegetarian diet over the last two months just how bad meat affects me these days, to the point that I want to ween myself more off it than I am currently doing. Still, it was a good steak.
The last two nights have been quite listless, with Wolfie being on VR and me not really wanting to bother. I did go online on Thursday for a bit, speaking to Blacksnip and meeting a few others, but I tend to want to experience the real world. I get the impression, Wolfie is more interested in the virtual as he spends an awful lot of time plugged into the machine. I wanted to go out with him today, but he woke up feeling tired, so in the end I settled on going out on my own. I headed over to Wannsee, knowing that I had to take advantage of the waning light now the clocks have gone back. I arrived shortly before 3pm and walked around the promenade a bit, which was quite busy with people wanting to take one of the cruises. There were a few interesting folly-like buildings which were worth an explore while the autumnal colours on the trees were radiant in the autumn sunlight. However, unlike at Kladow there was little here in the way of eateries, so I walked on and over to Am Grossen See where there were two interesting museums.
The first was the Liebermann-Villa, one of a number of countryside retreats built in the early years of the twentieth century. From 1910, it was the summer residence of the German impressionist painter Max Liebermann, and a number of his works were exhibited on the first floor. Many of his paintings were of his garden at the villa, with the front one resplendent with flowers and vegetables and the back one neatly coifurred and heading down to the lake. Today, there is a small cafe and terrace upon which you can sit and enjoy cake, while on the downstairs floor, a few of the rooms detailed the story of his life. He died in 1935, before the Nazis persecution of the Jews became complete, but his estate and in particular his wife did suffer brutally from them. It was an interesting, if slightly expensive, museum dedicated to an artist about whom I knew nothing about and I was very glad to discover more about him.
Further up the road is the Haus der Wannsee-Konferenz, where the Wannsee Conference took place on 20 January 1942. This was where 15 of the most influential people in the Nazi regime developed Die Endlösung, or The Final Solution, which was to result in the mass extermination of Jews between then and the end of the Second World War. A transcript of the meeting notes - the only one that survives - is the key document here and is displayed in the very room where the meeting took place. In exhibits around this, context was provided about the persecution of Jews from the time the Nazis assumed power in 1933 all the way through to 1945. Other elements covered were what constituted a Jew in the eyes of the Nazi regime, the Nuremburg Trials after the second World War and the struggle to build a museum dedicated to this in the Wannsee building. Difficult questions were also asked about the complicity of the general public as a whole over what was going on, as well as investigating the power of propaganda on a society in general. The museum pulled no punches and was brutally honest about what happened in Germany during those years, with one interesting point being that the word Germans rather than Nazis was used in all explanations. The museum also dealt with the persecution many Jews still experience, bringing a contemporary context to the exhibit. It was a fascinating, poignant if disturbing museum but one I thought important to visit.
Tuesday saw me head back to the doctors' surgery for my pyschological assessment. This resulted in my doctor providing me with a referral for psyhiatric and psychological care. The form suggests I may have ADHD or Aspergers, with the need for a diagonsis on this basis, but I do have to find the relevant people myself. Considering the pool of pyschiatrists and pscyhologists has not been widened since the 1950s, I suspect that'll be hard. I've already had a rejection from the first psychologist I have approached, but I have found a psychiatrist who is local and LGBT friendly, as well as English speaking, so I may try contacting her at the start of next week. It's interesting as this all came about when my doctor noticed the scars on my body following my physical exam back in August, although she also noted that there were aspects of my behaviour which were flashing lights to her. She admitted it could be any number of things though and she didn't want to prescribe anything there and then, but at least it's a constructive step in the right direction in terms of getting this sorted. I probably should have done it in the mid-2000s but the prevalence for mental health wasn't there then. I also know that although work is largely triggering this, it is only the trigger, there is something underneath which can never seem to be alleviated. This is why I need help.
This weekend was a hot one, unseasonably so for this time of year, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I had originally wanted to go to Cottbus, but my doctor queried my motivation and in the end, we didn't get up early enough. The initial plan was to go out on Saturday but the weather today was better, so I postponed it in favour of completing a personal project. Last night, we did go down to Salt & Pepper for a steak dinner - a place that, scandilously, we hadn't visited for so long. I was craving a steak, and the jacket potato with sour cream it came with was divine, my digestion system's reaction was far less godly. It's amazing after a predominently vegetarian diet over the last two months just how bad meat affects me these days, to the point that I want to ween myself more off it than I am currently doing. Still, it was a good steak.
The last two nights have been quite listless, with Wolfie being on VR and me not really wanting to bother. I did go online on Thursday for a bit, speaking to Blacksnip and meeting a few others, but I tend to want to experience the real world. I get the impression, Wolfie is more interested in the virtual as he spends an awful lot of time plugged into the machine. I wanted to go out with him today, but he woke up feeling tired, so in the end I settled on going out on my own. I headed over to Wannsee, knowing that I had to take advantage of the waning light now the clocks have gone back. I arrived shortly before 3pm and walked around the promenade a bit, which was quite busy with people wanting to take one of the cruises. There were a few interesting folly-like buildings which were worth an explore while the autumnal colours on the trees were radiant in the autumn sunlight. However, unlike at Kladow there was little here in the way of eateries, so I walked on and over to Am Grossen See where there were two interesting museums.
The first was the Liebermann-Villa, one of a number of countryside retreats built in the early years of the twentieth century. From 1910, it was the summer residence of the German impressionist painter Max Liebermann, and a number of his works were exhibited on the first floor. Many of his paintings were of his garden at the villa, with the front one resplendent with flowers and vegetables and the back one neatly coifurred and heading down to the lake. Today, there is a small cafe and terrace upon which you can sit and enjoy cake, while on the downstairs floor, a few of the rooms detailed the story of his life. He died in 1935, before the Nazis persecution of the Jews became complete, but his estate and in particular his wife did suffer brutally from them. It was an interesting, if slightly expensive, museum dedicated to an artist about whom I knew nothing about and I was very glad to discover more about him.
Further up the road is the Haus der Wannsee-Konferenz, where the Wannsee Conference took place on 20 January 1942. This was where 15 of the most influential people in the Nazi regime developed Die Endlösung, or The Final Solution, which was to result in the mass extermination of Jews between then and the end of the Second World War. A transcript of the meeting notes - the only one that survives - is the key document here and is displayed in the very room where the meeting took place. In exhibits around this, context was provided about the persecution of Jews from the time the Nazis assumed power in 1933 all the way through to 1945. Other elements covered were what constituted a Jew in the eyes of the Nazi regime, the Nuremburg Trials after the second World War and the struggle to build a museum dedicated to this in the Wannsee building. Difficult questions were also asked about the complicity of the general public as a whole over what was going on, as well as investigating the power of propaganda on a society in general. The museum pulled no punches and was brutally honest about what happened in Germany during those years, with one interesting point being that the word Germans rather than Nazis was used in all explanations. The museum also dealt with the persecution many Jews still experience, bringing a contemporary context to the exhibit. It was a fascinating, poignant if disturbing museum but one I thought important to visit.
