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The Darkness
Dec. 16th, 2014 10:45 amFor the last 15 years or so, I've suffered from depression off and on. It's always difficult to predict when it's coming and some days are so dark as to be debilitating. Yesterday was one of them. I suppose I'm quite lucky in the fact that my depressions tend to be intermittent days these days rather than the week and month long affairs of the past but this is only part of the story.
My baseline has always been more on the negative side than the positive. Day to day I live with intense feelings of self-loathing, bitterness and jealousy and it is these which, when they spill over, contribute to my deteriorating mental state. On these days, I oscillate between euphoria and despair, as was the case yesterday when during the day my head was pounding and I struggled to walk while in the evening I was singing my trademarked puppy songs and even got to the gym. Although Wolfie doesn't understand and probably never will, he is quite often supportive by literally just being there, and so it proved yesterday. I also fear that my negativity alienates my friends, that it's relentlessness gets grating and in the end I'm going to end up alone. Perhaps this is what my mind is trying to do with my angst about my relationship and the fandom in general as I suspect it always has done. I really don't know and I never have.
Added to this is Wolfie's assertion from Friday night that I see what my friends have and instantly want that too. There is plenty that's positive in my own life but I see other people doing this or having things and this sets off the jealousy once again. There's no reason for this and it's fundamentally unedifying I know to be envious of your friends but this is how it often is for me. And if I think like that I know I'll never be completely happy due to the general concept and the fact that the jealousy is so intargeted that I can't even use it as aspiration or motivation. It's just an entrapment.
My key problem is that I get too stressed too easily. Talking on the bus, music, ostentatious burping, all of these little irritations are magnified with me. I can't block these things out and because I expect impossibly high standards of myself, I expect the same from others. Commuting by bus each day consequently is a chore and is the source of significant frustration. The same is true at work, particularly when I have a day mapped out and something comes to disrupt it. While touring around Mexico, Taneli did say I need to relax more and stop getting so irritable but this is far easier said than done. I just don't have the tools to be able to do that but I know that if I don't, I'll die early due to stress induced conditions. Added to this is that I always expect too much of myself and this manifests itself in my need to always be achieving. If I'm not, I feel frustrated and a failure, and this knocks into my mental state. This is part of my issue in the fandom - I would like to be known as a good writer but I rarely get the chance to realise that dream due to life's other commitments.
Fortunately, yesterday I was still in control of the rational half of my brain which with depression is a good sign. Granted my emotional side was plunged into darkness and there were many dark thoughts, including regular ones of suicide, swirling in my head but my rationality managed to keep my head above water. Some of my friends also helped with their kind words, especially on Twitter, and while I'm still undecided regarding my future relationship with the fandom, I do hope I will manage to retain the friendships which are dear to me.
Yesterday was horrible - if you've suffered from it you know. Today I'm back more to my shallow negative state but the demons could return at any moment. I guess knowing the problems is halfway to solving them but I've never managed to accomplish this second part. The momentum is currently heading in the wrong direction and my rational brain is trying to fight it. It is incredibly difficult though not to mention exhausting. I just hope I don't relapse badly, I can't deal with 2005 all over again. Hopefully it won't come to that.
My baseline has always been more on the negative side than the positive. Day to day I live with intense feelings of self-loathing, bitterness and jealousy and it is these which, when they spill over, contribute to my deteriorating mental state. On these days, I oscillate between euphoria and despair, as was the case yesterday when during the day my head was pounding and I struggled to walk while in the evening I was singing my trademarked puppy songs and even got to the gym. Although Wolfie doesn't understand and probably never will, he is quite often supportive by literally just being there, and so it proved yesterday. I also fear that my negativity alienates my friends, that it's relentlessness gets grating and in the end I'm going to end up alone. Perhaps this is what my mind is trying to do with my angst about my relationship and the fandom in general as I suspect it always has done. I really don't know and I never have.
Added to this is Wolfie's assertion from Friday night that I see what my friends have and instantly want that too. There is plenty that's positive in my own life but I see other people doing this or having things and this sets off the jealousy once again. There's no reason for this and it's fundamentally unedifying I know to be envious of your friends but this is how it often is for me. And if I think like that I know I'll never be completely happy due to the general concept and the fact that the jealousy is so intargeted that I can't even use it as aspiration or motivation. It's just an entrapment.
My key problem is that I get too stressed too easily. Talking on the bus, music, ostentatious burping, all of these little irritations are magnified with me. I can't block these things out and because I expect impossibly high standards of myself, I expect the same from others. Commuting by bus each day consequently is a chore and is the source of significant frustration. The same is true at work, particularly when I have a day mapped out and something comes to disrupt it. While touring around Mexico, Taneli did say I need to relax more and stop getting so irritable but this is far easier said than done. I just don't have the tools to be able to do that but I know that if I don't, I'll die early due to stress induced conditions. Added to this is that I always expect too much of myself and this manifests itself in my need to always be achieving. If I'm not, I feel frustrated and a failure, and this knocks into my mental state. This is part of my issue in the fandom - I would like to be known as a good writer but I rarely get the chance to realise that dream due to life's other commitments.
Fortunately, yesterday I was still in control of the rational half of my brain which with depression is a good sign. Granted my emotional side was plunged into darkness and there were many dark thoughts, including regular ones of suicide, swirling in my head but my rationality managed to keep my head above water. Some of my friends also helped with their kind words, especially on Twitter, and while I'm still undecided regarding my future relationship with the fandom, I do hope I will manage to retain the friendships which are dear to me.
Yesterday was horrible - if you've suffered from it you know. Today I'm back more to my shallow negative state but the demons could return at any moment. I guess knowing the problems is halfway to solving them but I've never managed to accomplish this second part. The momentum is currently heading in the wrong direction and my rational brain is trying to fight it. It is incredibly difficult though not to mention exhausting. I just hope I don't relapse badly, I can't deal with 2005 all over again. Hopefully it won't come to that.
