The Darkness
Dec. 16th, 2014 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeFor the last 15 years or so, I've suffered from depression off and on. It's always difficult to predict when it's coming and some days are so dark as to be debilitating. Yesterday was one of them. I suppose I'm quite lucky in the fact that my depressions tend to be intermittent days these days rather than the week and month long affairs of the past but this is only part of the story.
My baseline has always been more on the negative side than the positive. Day to day I live with intense feelings of self-loathing, bitterness and jealousy and it is these which, when they spill over, contribute to my deteriorating mental state. On these days, I oscillate between euphoria and despair, as was the case yesterday when during the day my head was pounding and I struggled to walk while in the evening I was singing my trademarked puppy songs and even got to the gym. Although Wolfie doesn't understand and probably never will, he is quite often supportive by literally just being there, and so it proved yesterday. I also fear that my negativity alienates my friends, that it's relentlessness gets grating and in the end I'm going to end up alone. Perhaps this is what my mind is trying to do with my angst about my relationship and the fandom in general as I suspect it always has done. I really don't know and I never have.
Added to this is Wolfie's assertion from Friday night that I see what my friends have and instantly want that too. There is plenty that's positive in my own life but I see other people doing this or having things and this sets off the jealousy once again. There's no reason for this and it's fundamentally unedifying I know to be envious of your friends but this is how it often is for me. And if I think like that I know I'll never be completely happy due to the general concept and the fact that the jealousy is so intargeted that I can't even use it as aspiration or motivation. It's just an entrapment.
My key problem is that I get too stressed too easily. Talking on the bus, music, ostentatious burping, all of these little irritations are magnified with me. I can't block these things out and because I expect impossibly high standards of myself, I expect the same from others. Commuting by bus each day consequently is a chore and is the source of significant frustration. The same is true at work, particularly when I have a day mapped out and something comes to disrupt it. While touring around Mexico, Taneli did say I need to relax more and stop getting so irritable but this is far easier said than done. I just don't have the tools to be able to do that but I know that if I don't, I'll die early due to stress induced conditions. Added to this is that I always expect too much of myself and this manifests itself in my need to always be achieving. If I'm not, I feel frustrated and a failure, and this knocks into my mental state. This is part of my issue in the fandom - I would like to be known as a good writer but I rarely get the chance to realise that dream due to life's other commitments.
Fortunately, yesterday I was still in control of the rational half of my brain which with depression is a good sign. Granted my emotional side was plunged into darkness and there were many dark thoughts, including regular ones of suicide, swirling in my head but my rationality managed to keep my head above water. Some of my friends also helped with their kind words, especially on Twitter, and while I'm still undecided regarding my future relationship with the fandom, I do hope I will manage to retain the friendships which are dear to me.
Yesterday was horrible - if you've suffered from it you know. Today I'm back more to my shallow negative state but the demons could return at any moment. I guess knowing the problems is halfway to solving them but I've never managed to accomplish this second part. The momentum is currently heading in the wrong direction and my rational brain is trying to fight it. It is incredibly difficult though not to mention exhausting. I just hope I don't relapse badly, I can't deal with 2005 all over again. Hopefully it won't come to that.
My baseline has always been more on the negative side than the positive. Day to day I live with intense feelings of self-loathing, bitterness and jealousy and it is these which, when they spill over, contribute to my deteriorating mental state. On these days, I oscillate between euphoria and despair, as was the case yesterday when during the day my head was pounding and I struggled to walk while in the evening I was singing my trademarked puppy songs and even got to the gym. Although Wolfie doesn't understand and probably never will, he is quite often supportive by literally just being there, and so it proved yesterday. I also fear that my negativity alienates my friends, that it's relentlessness gets grating and in the end I'm going to end up alone. Perhaps this is what my mind is trying to do with my angst about my relationship and the fandom in general as I suspect it always has done. I really don't know and I never have.
Added to this is Wolfie's assertion from Friday night that I see what my friends have and instantly want that too. There is plenty that's positive in my own life but I see other people doing this or having things and this sets off the jealousy once again. There's no reason for this and it's fundamentally unedifying I know to be envious of your friends but this is how it often is for me. And if I think like that I know I'll never be completely happy due to the general concept and the fact that the jealousy is so intargeted that I can't even use it as aspiration or motivation. It's just an entrapment.
My key problem is that I get too stressed too easily. Talking on the bus, music, ostentatious burping, all of these little irritations are magnified with me. I can't block these things out and because I expect impossibly high standards of myself, I expect the same from others. Commuting by bus each day consequently is a chore and is the source of significant frustration. The same is true at work, particularly when I have a day mapped out and something comes to disrupt it. While touring around Mexico, Taneli did say I need to relax more and stop getting so irritable but this is far easier said than done. I just don't have the tools to be able to do that but I know that if I don't, I'll die early due to stress induced conditions. Added to this is that I always expect too much of myself and this manifests itself in my need to always be achieving. If I'm not, I feel frustrated and a failure, and this knocks into my mental state. This is part of my issue in the fandom - I would like to be known as a good writer but I rarely get the chance to realise that dream due to life's other commitments.
Fortunately, yesterday I was still in control of the rational half of my brain which with depression is a good sign. Granted my emotional side was plunged into darkness and there were many dark thoughts, including regular ones of suicide, swirling in my head but my rationality managed to keep my head above water. Some of my friends also helped with their kind words, especially on Twitter, and while I'm still undecided regarding my future relationship with the fandom, I do hope I will manage to retain the friendships which are dear to me.
Yesterday was horrible - if you've suffered from it you know. Today I'm back more to my shallow negative state but the demons could return at any moment. I guess knowing the problems is halfway to solving them but I've never managed to accomplish this second part. The momentum is currently heading in the wrong direction and my rational brain is trying to fight it. It is incredibly difficult though not to mention exhausting. I just hope I don't relapse badly, I can't deal with 2005 all over again. Hopefully it won't come to that.
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no subject
Date: 2014-12-16 11:31 am (UTC)Secondly, etc, You have my sympathy, I know all about depression even though I have only had it bad a few times in my life.
I am happy to be alone at home with no interuptions. That means perfect peace and quiet tith the radio off and no other noises to disturb my peace. When the phone rings I swear at it and say, LEAVE ME ALONE. It rarely gets answered unless it is one of my good friends. My base rate as you call it it mostly positive and in control. I do "things" a bit at a time, it`s a bit like giving a lead acid battery a trickle charge.
I get the feeling that you run flat out all the time and then run into things out of control, a kind of puppy frightened by a firework.
If only you could find a way to relax, be calm, I dunno, play the old cartoons, be a little for a while and turn off, find that inner peace. I tend to do that when I flip over to my Tiger self, I am a different animal for a while with a different set of needs and desires.
Lastly *BIG HUGS^
no subject
Date: 2014-12-18 10:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-12-24 05:31 pm (UTC)Obviously, there's nothing to be ashamed of regarding depression. It's damnably difficult to live with, but having someone special in your life must indeed be a great boon.
I'm still undecided regarding my future relationship with the fandom
Is there really much to ponder? Ultimately, the fandom's made up of lots and lots of diverse furs, and you know quite a few. I know I was delighted to finally get to meet you in person, after all this time on LJ. If you chose to leave the fandom, would you sever ties with everyone you know? I just can't see that happening. Of course, you can pick a more background position amidst it all - still, you do seem to get quite a bit out of organising all these meets, and I imagine everyone else does too, by the sound of it.
I need to relax more and stop getting so irritable but this is far easier said than done
Indeed. It's easy to see how being less readily irritated would be a good thing, on an intellectual level, but to actually feel less irritated.. not easy at all. (Hardly a cure-all, but damn, I doubt I'd survive long journeys without my headphones, keeping the ambient noise much more bearable, as well as letting me enjoy music videos and suchlike in superb quality.
**hughug**