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lupestripeMillet
I didn't really want it to come out in the way that it did last night and I feel really upset about the way that I was so passe about it. I didn't mean to distress you or upset you or anything but thanks for being there for me because it is a problem I need to beat
This however was the first time I have harmed in nearly a year and I know it is a one-off rather than the norm. I don't want to go back to those days when I was harming regularly (I was a real fuck up for about three months of my life) but I feel I should tell you the reasons why last night happened.
I suffer from stress badly because I have problems saying no to people. The thought of letting anybody down cripples me which is why It ake on so much in order to make everyone happy. My happiness comes from making others happy because I do not value myself. In the last week I haven't stopped, I have been doing a full-time job and the website and a load of other things. Added to this is my family who I feel I am letting down because I don't want a high-powered job in the City with a fast car and good clothes. Thankfully my dad is supportive (which is all that matters really) but in their eyes I cannot but help feel a failure.
The same reason is at the root of why I apologise for everything. I am far too sensitive and I don't want people to hate me because I like all the people I am friends with. The big disparity comes when I compare what people think of me and I think of myself as I know people do like me and want me around, when I am in a good mood. But when I get stressed I get grumpy and unhappy and then I feel people don't want to know me, and then I feel unloved and then I get more grumpy and unhappy. People look at me and wonder why do I have a problem - I know deep down I'm a great person but I've been insecure about myself for as long as I can remember and I don't know how to get the security in myself that I crave.
When this stress gets too much then alcohol gets involved and this is what happened yesterday. I drank a fair bit to try and relax but all it does is builds up all the stress until I have to unleash it in some way. The only way I can do that is through harming which is what happened last night.
As I say I am really sorry for telling you last night in the way that I did. It is something in my life that I am ashamed of but it is my coping mechanism. I know it's not a good one and this is why I want to get some form of routine exercise going because not only will I feel fitter (thus probably liking myself more) but I can burn off this energy in my head that keeps nagging away at me. That's the positive route I need to take.
I don't want you to be worried or concerned because there's no need to be. I really appreciate everything you said last night and that it doesn't freak you out like it does some people but as I say last night was not the regularity. I don't believe I have a problem that a constructive mindset cannot solve. It was a mistake last night but I can build on it and have to turn it into a positive. It's made me realise once and for all what works for me and how I can avoid feeling like that again but I know I have a long way to go. I really should start the meditation again because that's what made me calm down and relax and from October to about February I felt an overwhelming positivity about myself that I need to rediscover.
I mentioned the counselling too didn't I? Okay, in November 2004 I was harming every day and things were getting worse. I was expected to do a 60 hour working week at University (because of the way my modules fell) and I got further and further behind. I didn't have a day off in seven weeks and it all got too much. The week after my 22nd birthday (the day of the Villareal game come to think of it) I just started crying to anyone who would listen about what I was doing. They suggested I should go into counselling which is what I did the next day. Because of the self-harm thing they thought I was an urgent case and I got to see a counsellor on the Monday morning, me going to see them on the Friday afternoon.
On the Saturday (27 November) I was going to London to see my then girlfriend and some mates when I had a bad panic attack at Kings Cross station because of the stress. That was really freaky but have since learnt it's a normal reaction to the pressure I was giving myself. That's pretty much everything about my past that I can say on the Internet. There are one or two other small things but this is not the time or the place really.
So thanks again for everything, I just feel really ashamed about the way it all came out last night, it must have been horrible for you and I really apologise. Hope you have a great day today watching the Soccerroos - I'll be cheering them on too - definitely watching that one :-P
I didn't really want it to come out in the way that it did last night and I feel really upset about the way that I was so passe about it. I didn't mean to distress you or upset you or anything but thanks for being there for me because it is a problem I need to beat
This however was the first time I have harmed in nearly a year and I know it is a one-off rather than the norm. I don't want to go back to those days when I was harming regularly (I was a real fuck up for about three months of my life) but I feel I should tell you the reasons why last night happened.
I suffer from stress badly because I have problems saying no to people. The thought of letting anybody down cripples me which is why It ake on so much in order to make everyone happy. My happiness comes from making others happy because I do not value myself. In the last week I haven't stopped, I have been doing a full-time job and the website and a load of other things. Added to this is my family who I feel I am letting down because I don't want a high-powered job in the City with a fast car and good clothes. Thankfully my dad is supportive (which is all that matters really) but in their eyes I cannot but help feel a failure.
The same reason is at the root of why I apologise for everything. I am far too sensitive and I don't want people to hate me because I like all the people I am friends with. The big disparity comes when I compare what people think of me and I think of myself as I know people do like me and want me around, when I am in a good mood. But when I get stressed I get grumpy and unhappy and then I feel people don't want to know me, and then I feel unloved and then I get more grumpy and unhappy. People look at me and wonder why do I have a problem - I know deep down I'm a great person but I've been insecure about myself for as long as I can remember and I don't know how to get the security in myself that I crave.
When this stress gets too much then alcohol gets involved and this is what happened yesterday. I drank a fair bit to try and relax but all it does is builds up all the stress until I have to unleash it in some way. The only way I can do that is through harming which is what happened last night.
As I say I am really sorry for telling you last night in the way that I did. It is something in my life that I am ashamed of but it is my coping mechanism. I know it's not a good one and this is why I want to get some form of routine exercise going because not only will I feel fitter (thus probably liking myself more) but I can burn off this energy in my head that keeps nagging away at me. That's the positive route I need to take.
I don't want you to be worried or concerned because there's no need to be. I really appreciate everything you said last night and that it doesn't freak you out like it does some people but as I say last night was not the regularity. I don't believe I have a problem that a constructive mindset cannot solve. It was a mistake last night but I can build on it and have to turn it into a positive. It's made me realise once and for all what works for me and how I can avoid feeling like that again but I know I have a long way to go. I really should start the meditation again because that's what made me calm down and relax and from October to about February I felt an overwhelming positivity about myself that I need to rediscover.
I mentioned the counselling too didn't I? Okay, in November 2004 I was harming every day and things were getting worse. I was expected to do a 60 hour working week at University (because of the way my modules fell) and I got further and further behind. I didn't have a day off in seven weeks and it all got too much. The week after my 22nd birthday (the day of the Villareal game come to think of it) I just started crying to anyone who would listen about what I was doing. They suggested I should go into counselling which is what I did the next day. Because of the self-harm thing they thought I was an urgent case and I got to see a counsellor on the Monday morning, me going to see them on the Friday afternoon.
On the Saturday (27 November) I was going to London to see my then girlfriend and some mates when I had a bad panic attack at Kings Cross station because of the stress. That was really freaky but have since learnt it's a normal reaction to the pressure I was giving myself. That's pretty much everything about my past that I can say on the Internet. There are one or two other small things but this is not the time or the place really.
So thanks again for everything, I just feel really ashamed about the way it all came out last night, it must have been horrible for you and I really apologise. Hope you have a great day today watching the Soccerroos - I'll be cheering them on too - definitely watching that one :-P
