Of Bondage And Identity
Sep. 21st, 2009 01:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeI have become increasingly self-aware recently about wearing my collar in public. Normally, I would never do this when alone (I don't really want to invite conflict when there is no one there to help me defend myself) but when I am with someone, I often need little excuse to put it on. My collar is part of my identity and also a symbol of my relationship with Wolfie. To me, it's like a wedding ring in "conventional" society and it is something that I wish to celebrate as much as possible.
My current feelings of insecurity can be traced back to the day after the 10th Anniversary London Meet, 26 July 2009. Around lunchtime, on the Underground, I noticed a lot of people were staring at me and whereas this didn't bother me in the past, it suddenly made me feel very uneasy and self-conscious. Beforehand, I used to think that goths wear collars and it's not much different but I guess the tag that is attached to my collar makes it so. It's frustrating that the most important thing to you in the world is something that most people have an issue with.
As a teenager, I always got dolled up in make-up at any available opportunity. This was largely based on reasons of self-protection. Any negative comments or abuse I got were directed towards something I could easily change about myself. It wasn't because I was fat or because of something inherently wrong with me - it was because of something I did and something that I could therefore easily change.
However, with increased confidence throughout the years, this no longer applies. In fact, the reverse is true. The issue now is wanting to avoid conflict and the negative comments because, being a far more positive person, they will only bring me down now, rather than protect any self-perceived fragility that I once had.
I am off out to Leeds in an hour or so - namely to replace the mobile phone I washed but also to meet up with patter for a few drinks. If anyone wants to come, it would be great to see you. We are meeting at Leeds train station at 6pm tonight.
I am in two minds about whether to wear my collar this evening. I will be wearing ankle and wrist cuffs but as these will be under my clothes, I have no reservations about this. These too are symbols of my relationship, as well as symbols of who I am. I have come a long way in the last eight years (30 September 2001 - the day I went to university is one of the most pivotal days of my life) and these accoutrements represent an awful lot to me.
Now whilst I don't agree with forcing things on others, particularly things that may scare or perplex them, I still wish that I could wear a collar in public without having an element of fear when doing so. I just want to get on with my day and be ME. My collar is part of me. Sadly, the world seems to be far too focused on a media-led ideal for that ever to be reality. I guess I just have to live with it.
My current feelings of insecurity can be traced back to the day after the 10th Anniversary London Meet, 26 July 2009. Around lunchtime, on the Underground, I noticed a lot of people were staring at me and whereas this didn't bother me in the past, it suddenly made me feel very uneasy and self-conscious. Beforehand, I used to think that goths wear collars and it's not much different but I guess the tag that is attached to my collar makes it so. It's frustrating that the most important thing to you in the world is something that most people have an issue with.
As a teenager, I always got dolled up in make-up at any available opportunity. This was largely based on reasons of self-protection. Any negative comments or abuse I got were directed towards something I could easily change about myself. It wasn't because I was fat or because of something inherently wrong with me - it was because of something I did and something that I could therefore easily change.
However, with increased confidence throughout the years, this no longer applies. In fact, the reverse is true. The issue now is wanting to avoid conflict and the negative comments because, being a far more positive person, they will only bring me down now, rather than protect any self-perceived fragility that I once had.
I am off out to Leeds in an hour or so - namely to replace the mobile phone I washed but also to meet up with patter for a few drinks. If anyone wants to come, it would be great to see you. We are meeting at Leeds train station at 6pm tonight.
I am in two minds about whether to wear my collar this evening. I will be wearing ankle and wrist cuffs but as these will be under my clothes, I have no reservations about this. These too are symbols of my relationship, as well as symbols of who I am. I have come a long way in the last eight years (30 September 2001 - the day I went to university is one of the most pivotal days of my life) and these accoutrements represent an awful lot to me.
Now whilst I don't agree with forcing things on others, particularly things that may scare or perplex them, I still wish that I could wear a collar in public without having an element of fear when doing so. I just want to get on with my day and be ME. My collar is part of me. Sadly, the world seems to be far too focused on a media-led ideal for that ever to be reality. I guess I just have to live with it.
