Suck On This
Feb. 18th, 2018 06:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeYesterday was our regular monthly Leeds meet and I went into it feeling a little groggy, largely on account of a poor night's sleep and the couple of beers I had had on Friday evening hitting me harder than they usually do. As a result, I was feeling a little on edge, even more so than my usual sense of apprehension regarding the meets these days. Upon arriving at the station, I was a little disappointed to see such a small gathering, but things did pick up as the day progressed. However, it was still one of our smaller meets with 52 attendees, far lower than the 94 we had received for our 100th anniversary January extravaganza. Part of the problem was a number of regulars were missing through illness, while a couple had alternate plans, but I couldn't help feel a little down that after such a positive event the month before, we hadn't really built on that momentum here
My feelings got worse when I managed to annoy a good friend upon her arrival at the bar, which saw me go for a reflective walk to try and pick up my spirits. I also went to scout out a potential route for the fursuit walk, knowing that the ice skating rink was on in Millennium Square. We are not normally allowed on the ice but I had been told that there were a few other fairground concessions dotted around, so I went to check them out. This turned out to be the case, so I recommended we take the fursuit walk there.
As I was just returning to the bar, I bumped into Oracle, who noticed something was wrong and was kind enough to talk things through with me. This perked me up somewhat and the subsequent fursuit walk certainly didn't disappoint as we were allowed to go on the slide, which was great fun in fursuit. I lead the way, effectively waiting in line to see what would happen, and the kind lady gave me a helter-skelter hessian bag and told me I could go on for free. I even went on twice and a number of other fursuiters followed my lead, which was nice. As the weather was quite cool, the walk was rather extended, and great fun, although I did think we could have gone on a few more of the rides in the Square. People were starting to flag though, so it was understandable that we had to go back, although I was surprised that most furs managed not to spot the 'Meet all kinds of wild animals here' sign which would have been ripe for fursuit photos.
The meet spilled out after the fursuit walk, which is a shame as it seems that for many, it's about the fursuit walk and nothing else. This is a bit of a problem as to secure the venue, it does need to make money for them. However, there were a fair number of us staying on afterwards and I spent a lot of time chatting to Adia and Enteirah. I actually spent quite a long time in fursuit in the bar itself, what with it being so much fun, with me being the last person to desuit. This is the third time I have suited at a meet this year already and I must admit I am getting back into it somewhat. It also enables me to limit the drinking, although this didn't really go to plan as we ended up hanging around the bar until 6pm waiting for some Derby furs to come back and collect their bags, before Marcus, Wolfie, Patter and I headed over to Shuffledog for some beers. Shuffledog was surprisingly quiet so getting a seat wasn't hard, and soon we were sampling some very nice craft beers and having some of their pizzas, which Patter didn't much care for. The chat flowed and once we had had the three beers we had not yet tried - including the Simcoe IPA they had put on as we were there - Marcus headed off and we took Patter to the Tall Boys Beer Market for a nightcap. This was quieter than Shuffledog and we got to try two more beers here, before Patter had to get his train to Manchester and we decided to head home. Wolfie in particular was flagging so this was probably for the best.
Once back in Pudsey, we dropped our bags off (including my fursuit) at the house and headed off to Rudy's Bar for a final Dead Pony Club. This is a new bar and is effectively our local, and we want to support it as much as we can. Specialising in gin, they do have a few craft beers in, and he has ambitious plans to develop this, which is why I wanted to pay him a visit. After here though, my mood crashed, which only got worse when we got back home, with Wolfie heading straight to bed, sleeping in his clothes. I wanted to sober up a little bit but the strong feelings with which I have been battling over the last nine months or so resurfaced once again and the craving to self-harm was stronger than it had been in a while. Fortunately, I didn't take a knife to myself, limiting myself to a number of self-inflicted punches, but it was the first time I had harmed in nearly three months and Wolfie was upset this morning when he awoke and I told him I didn't want to wake him from his sleep. Wolfie is incredibly supportive but the upshot of all this is that today I have felt particularly bad, with all the old demons coming back. It's frustrating as last week was a good week - the issue at work with everyone ignoring us has been resolved as we have moved downstairs, we overpaid a significant sum on our mortgage and I even hadn't put weight on during the business trip to London - and yet all the negative feelings of not fitting in, of having transient friendships and fewer close friends than I have ever had is dominating my mind. Going to the gym earlier did help, and I hope I can get back on track as the week progresses, but clearly I am far more fragile than I thought I was, even now.
My feelings got worse when I managed to annoy a good friend upon her arrival at the bar, which saw me go for a reflective walk to try and pick up my spirits. I also went to scout out a potential route for the fursuit walk, knowing that the ice skating rink was on in Millennium Square. We are not normally allowed on the ice but I had been told that there were a few other fairground concessions dotted around, so I went to check them out. This turned out to be the case, so I recommended we take the fursuit walk there.
As I was just returning to the bar, I bumped into Oracle, who noticed something was wrong and was kind enough to talk things through with me. This perked me up somewhat and the subsequent fursuit walk certainly didn't disappoint as we were allowed to go on the slide, which was great fun in fursuit. I lead the way, effectively waiting in line to see what would happen, and the kind lady gave me a helter-skelter hessian bag and told me I could go on for free. I even went on twice and a number of other fursuiters followed my lead, which was nice. As the weather was quite cool, the walk was rather extended, and great fun, although I did think we could have gone on a few more of the rides in the Square. People were starting to flag though, so it was understandable that we had to go back, although I was surprised that most furs managed not to spot the 'Meet all kinds of wild animals here' sign which would have been ripe for fursuit photos.
The meet spilled out after the fursuit walk, which is a shame as it seems that for many, it's about the fursuit walk and nothing else. This is a bit of a problem as to secure the venue, it does need to make money for them. However, there were a fair number of us staying on afterwards and I spent a lot of time chatting to Adia and Enteirah. I actually spent quite a long time in fursuit in the bar itself, what with it being so much fun, with me being the last person to desuit. This is the third time I have suited at a meet this year already and I must admit I am getting back into it somewhat. It also enables me to limit the drinking, although this didn't really go to plan as we ended up hanging around the bar until 6pm waiting for some Derby furs to come back and collect their bags, before Marcus, Wolfie, Patter and I headed over to Shuffledog for some beers. Shuffledog was surprisingly quiet so getting a seat wasn't hard, and soon we were sampling some very nice craft beers and having some of their pizzas, which Patter didn't much care for. The chat flowed and once we had had the three beers we had not yet tried - including the Simcoe IPA they had put on as we were there - Marcus headed off and we took Patter to the Tall Boys Beer Market for a nightcap. This was quieter than Shuffledog and we got to try two more beers here, before Patter had to get his train to Manchester and we decided to head home. Wolfie in particular was flagging so this was probably for the best.
Once back in Pudsey, we dropped our bags off (including my fursuit) at the house and headed off to Rudy's Bar for a final Dead Pony Club. This is a new bar and is effectively our local, and we want to support it as much as we can. Specialising in gin, they do have a few craft beers in, and he has ambitious plans to develop this, which is why I wanted to pay him a visit. After here though, my mood crashed, which only got worse when we got back home, with Wolfie heading straight to bed, sleeping in his clothes. I wanted to sober up a little bit but the strong feelings with which I have been battling over the last nine months or so resurfaced once again and the craving to self-harm was stronger than it had been in a while. Fortunately, I didn't take a knife to myself, limiting myself to a number of self-inflicted punches, but it was the first time I had harmed in nearly three months and Wolfie was upset this morning when he awoke and I told him I didn't want to wake him from his sleep. Wolfie is incredibly supportive but the upshot of all this is that today I have felt particularly bad, with all the old demons coming back. It's frustrating as last week was a good week - the issue at work with everyone ignoring us has been resolved as we have moved downstairs, we overpaid a significant sum on our mortgage and I even hadn't put weight on during the business trip to London - and yet all the negative feelings of not fitting in, of having transient friendships and fewer close friends than I have ever had is dominating my mind. Going to the gym earlier did help, and I hope I can get back on track as the week progresses, but clearly I am far more fragile than I thought I was, even now.
