On Being Non-Binary

[lupestripe]

Let's bring up the positivity a bit. How long have you known you're non-binary or trans? How did it make you feel when you first found out there was a term for the feeling and you weren't alone? I was euphoric to find there was a term for how I felt!

This was a post on Twitter earlier today from a user called Enby Fox and it got me thinking. I only came out publicly as non-binary eight days ago, at the age of 38, even though many have probably suspected for a while. Indeed, I certainly didn't hide my proclivity towards female clothing and make-up, having finally gotten the confidence to wear such things at numerous cons over the last three years. However, I have always struggled to accept myself, even though deep down I have always known I am not 100% male, despite my physical form. It has been a long journey, but let me explain it (and sorry if this entry is riddled with stereotypes, my upbringing has influenced my thinking).

I grew up in the North-East of England in the 1990s. Back then, it was illegal to teach about non-heterosexual relationships in schools due to a pernicious piece of legislation introduced in 1988 called Section 28. This meant that sex education was purely functional while there was never any mention of different lifestyles or relationships outside of the heteronormative.

Furthermore, back in the 1990s, gender was still incredibly prescriptive. Blue was widely seen as a boy's colour, pink was widely seen as a girl's colour and toys were far more gender-specific than they are today. My mother frequently tells me a story from when I was about seven years old when my best friend, Robert, asked "Do you want to play with my sword?" It was a prop from He-Man or Thundercats, one of the popular cartoons of the time, but I declined simply because I wasn't interested. My mother thought this quite remarkable, but I was far more engaged in My Little Pony, Care Bears and toys which were marketed towards girls. Of course, I was not allowed to get these and in the end, I directed all of my attention towards my nascent love of anthropomorphism through programs like The Animals of Farthing Wood.

As I became a teenager, I found the concept of masculinity quite alienating. If it wasn't macho, then it was lad culture, and both of these things turned me cold. With my father being rather stoic, I also did not have any positive male influences on an emotional level, but of course this was a time when men still weren't really comfortable with speaking about their feelings. We've moved on since then, but there is still some way to go.

I had three influences in the mid-1990s. One was Nicky Wire, bass player of the Manic Street Preachers who explored the issue of masculinity in much of his lyrics and stage presence. Another was Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, whose bright pink hair on the In Utero linar notes cemented my affinity with pink. My final influence was Eddie Izzard. Not only was she gloriously funny and intelligent, but here was someone who was not afraid to wear female clothing and make-up on stage. Furthermore, as my parents were fans of Izzard too, it gave me a pathway to explore my own feelings and to try and reconcile who I am. For the first time, I felt there was someone, somewhere, a bit like me. Back then, I thought I was more a transvestite than non-binary, partly because this was how the language was framed and partly because I knew no-one else like me on Teesside at the time. Izzard was my only frame of reference, while the range of sexualities and differences in gender weren't really talked about in general discussion.

The other issue is my body dysmorphia. I was a fat kid, overweight from the age of six and bullied because of it. In 1994, I moved to the United States and put on over three stone in just 10 months. By the time I returned to the UK in June 1995, I weighed nearly 11 stone and, aged 12, was thrown straight into a comprehensive school environment. This has had a lasting and negative effect on me, but the bullying did prompt me to lose weight in the early part of 1996. However, I ended up taking it too far, dipping below seven-and-a-half stone and still hating my flabby body. My parents did manage to stop the slide, but I have never won the psychological battle and still hate my body. I have tried to lose weight as an adult, but with the stresses of daily life, it's easier said than done. This beer gut that I carry is a constant reminder of my masculine body, and due to this, I have surpressed my feminine side. I know this is nonsensical and I would never judge others to the same ridiculous standards, but this is the state of my damaged mind.

In 2001, I went to university, at this stage very much into the goth and metal scene. I hadn't really considered my gender or my sexuality at that point, partly because the whole topic was taboo in my home and partly because school was so appallingly bad at educating on relationships. Certainly I was interested in the LGBT society at Cambridge, but I fell in with the rock crowd, many of whom were either gay or bisexual themselves. Indeed, I have always found rock and metal to be incredibly supportive of alternative lifestyles and they were certainly supportive of me dressing in female clothing to a large number of their events and gigs. Indeed, for Halloween in 2002, I walked alone for half an hour through the city centre dressed as a vampritic goth angel in full attire. I was scared, but exhilarated, finally being able to show who I am. It was my first public outing in female clothing. Back then, though, I was still thinking I was a transvestite rather than anything deeper, even though wearing such attire just felt right. The national discussion still wasn't quite there then and I didn't really have anything to connect my feelings to.

I 'joined' the furry fandom in December 2006 and the community has certainly enabled me to explore my own gender as well as accept that I am non-binary. There has been a far greater awareness and openness concerning gender over the last two or three years, and watching other people become liberated by accepting themselves has been fantastic to see. This has particularly been the case for a few friends I have known for years, who have recently accepted they are trans. It has been heartening to see how happy they have become and this has provided me with such inspiration. It has also motivated me to explore my own feelings and, through the support of furs like Gothicat, Arcais and my partner Wolfie, I have started to accept who I am. I've come to realise that the awkwardness I have always felt should be embraced, not buried, and that I am not alone in feeling the way that I do. That has been the most liberating thing of all and the fresh start provided to me by my move to Berlin last November has really catalysed this and given me clarity of thought. It is why I am writing this now.

I am really proud that I have accepted I am genderfluid and have started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. The next step is to address pronouns, which still cause me a great deal of worry. I am constantly in awe of the trans community, who show such fortitude under the most unfair onslaughts and I will always be a trans ally. I may even be trans myself although I think genderfluid fits me better. I definitely lean feminine, so she/her pronouns are the most appropriate, but the body dysmorphia coupled with my thin skin make me reticent to accept this just yet.

Furthermore, there is my character Lupestripe, who I have always considered to be male. Lupestripe has always been the bouncy personality I have always wanted to be, but maybe he is also a projection of my masculinity, slightly separate from who I really am. It's all so confusing but on occasion I do feel male - just not very often. This is why genderfluid/non-binary feels right and why I'm reasonably ambivalent about pronouns. There is still more to learn though. The journey's not over, but with the support of my friends, I am getting nearer to where I want to be.