Let It Burn, Let It Wash Away
Nov. 30th, 2025 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeIt's been a week of high anxiety and struggling to cope, largely because I'm in the middle of a perfect storm. There are so many small yet important things that need doing, while Wolfie's foot means I am having to do the lion's share of the housework. This, at least, is getting better but he has not been fit enough to leave the house. I am missing doing things with him and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, but sometimes it's all getting too much. I am worrying about minutiae that I probably shouldn't worry about and I fear I'm letting everyone down. I always knew I didn't much like myself, but that has been very strong recently. My job situation is one of the main triggers here, but finding something new is proving to be tough. It's hard not to take rejection after rejection personally - like with my writing - and yet there has been an awful lot of that around in the second half of the year.
We're into December tomorrow and it's hard to believe we're nearly at the end of the year. I have no idea what the future brings, we'll have to see how things shake out. In the meantime, my social life here is getting significantly better. This has largely been facilitated by Al, whose infectious positivity and self-belief is in sharp contrast to my own. He's made so many friends here in the last two months he's been here, it makes me wonder where I have been going wrong. Still, I have been going out more often and that is something.
On Friday, we headed out to The Castle to see Notefox and CoVahr. This was arranged earlier in the week as I'll be in SE Asia for two weeks from Thursday and I wanted to see everyone again (this has also taken some organising, not least because it's all rather last minute). Fierce/Fiasco came down a little later, while Al was there too. A good chunk of the conversation revolved around tax, but with that out of the way, we settled into some good social. I can't remember much about what we discussed really, but we were out for quite some time. I had to push the original meeting time back half an hour as one of my clients wanted some coverage of an NFL game they didn't tell me about. I got there just before 9pm and sat inside, not realising that Note and CoVahr were sat outside. The former came to pick me up, then Al got there half an hour later. It was quite quiet initially but at around 10:30pm, it became swamped with conference people and became too loud. We therefore headed over to Brewdog, which was a little quieter, for the final couple of beers. CoVahr had left by then, but the rest of us hung around until around 2am before we were turfed out.
Saturday was Club Animalz night and I was unsure whether I would go. I have been so tired of late, largely due to the anxiety, that I slept in until 5pm and woke up with a hangover. A shower and a McDonald's (their Rosti burger range is surprisingly good) fixed me up and I decided to head out, not least because I didn't want to let Al down. I had invited him to the event a few weeks ago and with a few people dropping out, I didn't want him to be alone. His friend Gabe was coming too though, so we met at Charlottenburg train station then headed down to Kantine am Berghain, getting there about two hours into the event.
Once there, we changed in a darkened area as the usual place was used for socialising. This was quite difficult but I was soon into pup gear. I grabbed a drink quickly to steady my nerves and spent the first couple of hours bouncing around chatting to people. Tommah was there and looking for tourist recommendations for Berlin, while I caught up with Lambda and a few others too. About two hours in, I ended up on the dance floor and this was when things cranked up a notch. I'd never done anything kinky or sexual at Animalz before, often being too shy to instigate anything, but I was in a group of four and it kinda happened spontaneously. This saw me being sucked off in the middle of the dance area, while later on, we also got to have some fun with a cute tiger around the cloakroom area.
The final DJ set at Animalz wasn't really to my taste, so I was tempted to leave around 1am. It was while we were leaving that we got distracted by the tiger, prolonging our stay somewhat. I had been toying with going to Berghain for much of the evening and when I told my bag was probably going to be too big, I wrote it off. But Al is an enabler and wanted to go, as did Gabe, so at 1:30am we found ourselves stood outside the main entrance. The queue was humongous and didn't die down all night, while we heard quite a few people being refused entry. Apparently, you have to have a certain vibe about you to get in, which is why I had always been reticent to try. However, we were told by the Animalz organisers we could try the re-entry queue and apart from me needing to take my hood off, we got let in immediately.
I am not sure what I was expecting from Berghain but it was far more chilled than I thought it would be. The limitation on numbers meant there was plenty of space to dance, with me spending time initially on the main dance floor before going to a more hardstyle one later on. Gabe knew his way around the club so I followed him, while we bumped into a delighted Planke, who also showed us around. The interior of this former factory is incredible and they've done it up well, while the bars were not too busy and reasonably priced for such an arena. I ended up staying three hours in the end and would have stayed longer had I not had things to do the next day. I spent much of my time with Gabe here, towards the end just sat down and chilling, while loads of people were getting the pet play vibe. Upon leaving the toilets, I was asked by someone what was going on, while my only regret is not trying the ice cream bar they have there. Aside from this though it was an incredible evening and I didn't really want to leave. I did go with Al a little after 4:30am, getting back home via La Crobag to pick up a salami and cheese baguette just after 6am. Wolfie was having a good time on VR and didn't really want to speak, so I left him to it and eventually went to bed.
It was a weird Saturday, with me living out all my wildest dreams. I never thought I'd have confidence to do sexual acts on a dance floor, nor ever be admitted to Berghain. I guess this is what happens when you trust in yourself. Sadly, the waves of self-hatred came back on Sunday, probably because I feel I didn't deserve it or something, while I did feel a little down that Wolfie missed out. Still, it was a fun evening and I'll have to take him back sometime.
We're into December tomorrow and it's hard to believe we're nearly at the end of the year. I have no idea what the future brings, we'll have to see how things shake out. In the meantime, my social life here is getting significantly better. This has largely been facilitated by Al, whose infectious positivity and self-belief is in sharp contrast to my own. He's made so many friends here in the last two months he's been here, it makes me wonder where I have been going wrong. Still, I have been going out more often and that is something.
On Friday, we headed out to The Castle to see Notefox and CoVahr. This was arranged earlier in the week as I'll be in SE Asia for two weeks from Thursday and I wanted to see everyone again (this has also taken some organising, not least because it's all rather last minute). Fierce/Fiasco came down a little later, while Al was there too. A good chunk of the conversation revolved around tax, but with that out of the way, we settled into some good social. I can't remember much about what we discussed really, but we were out for quite some time. I had to push the original meeting time back half an hour as one of my clients wanted some coverage of an NFL game they didn't tell me about. I got there just before 9pm and sat inside, not realising that Note and CoVahr were sat outside. The former came to pick me up, then Al got there half an hour later. It was quite quiet initially but at around 10:30pm, it became swamped with conference people and became too loud. We therefore headed over to Brewdog, which was a little quieter, for the final couple of beers. CoVahr had left by then, but the rest of us hung around until around 2am before we were turfed out.
Saturday was Club Animalz night and I was unsure whether I would go. I have been so tired of late, largely due to the anxiety, that I slept in until 5pm and woke up with a hangover. A shower and a McDonald's (their Rosti burger range is surprisingly good) fixed me up and I decided to head out, not least because I didn't want to let Al down. I had invited him to the event a few weeks ago and with a few people dropping out, I didn't want him to be alone. His friend Gabe was coming too though, so we met at Charlottenburg train station then headed down to Kantine am Berghain, getting there about two hours into the event.
Once there, we changed in a darkened area as the usual place was used for socialising. This was quite difficult but I was soon into pup gear. I grabbed a drink quickly to steady my nerves and spent the first couple of hours bouncing around chatting to people. Tommah was there and looking for tourist recommendations for Berlin, while I caught up with Lambda and a few others too. About two hours in, I ended up on the dance floor and this was when things cranked up a notch. I'd never done anything kinky or sexual at Animalz before, often being too shy to instigate anything, but I was in a group of four and it kinda happened spontaneously. This saw me being sucked off in the middle of the dance area, while later on, we also got to have some fun with a cute tiger around the cloakroom area.
The final DJ set at Animalz wasn't really to my taste, so I was tempted to leave around 1am. It was while we were leaving that we got distracted by the tiger, prolonging our stay somewhat. I had been toying with going to Berghain for much of the evening and when I told my bag was probably going to be too big, I wrote it off. But Al is an enabler and wanted to go, as did Gabe, so at 1:30am we found ourselves stood outside the main entrance. The queue was humongous and didn't die down all night, while we heard quite a few people being refused entry. Apparently, you have to have a certain vibe about you to get in, which is why I had always been reticent to try. However, we were told by the Animalz organisers we could try the re-entry queue and apart from me needing to take my hood off, we got let in immediately.
I am not sure what I was expecting from Berghain but it was far more chilled than I thought it would be. The limitation on numbers meant there was plenty of space to dance, with me spending time initially on the main dance floor before going to a more hardstyle one later on. Gabe knew his way around the club so I followed him, while we bumped into a delighted Planke, who also showed us around. The interior of this former factory is incredible and they've done it up well, while the bars were not too busy and reasonably priced for such an arena. I ended up staying three hours in the end and would have stayed longer had I not had things to do the next day. I spent much of my time with Gabe here, towards the end just sat down and chilling, while loads of people were getting the pet play vibe. Upon leaving the toilets, I was asked by someone what was going on, while my only regret is not trying the ice cream bar they have there. Aside from this though it was an incredible evening and I didn't really want to leave. I did go with Al a little after 4:30am, getting back home via La Crobag to pick up a salami and cheese baguette just after 6am. Wolfie was having a good time on VR and didn't really want to speak, so I left him to it and eventually went to bed.
It was a weird Saturday, with me living out all my wildest dreams. I never thought I'd have confidence to do sexual acts on a dance floor, nor ever be admitted to Berghain. I guess this is what happens when you trust in yourself. Sadly, the waves of self-hatred came back on Sunday, probably because I feel I didn't deserve it or something, while I did feel a little down that Wolfie missed out. Still, it was a fun evening and I'll have to take him back sometime.
