My Toys? Your Toys?
Jan. 10th, 2026 08:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lupestripeThe one thing I've learned this week is the importance of friends and specifically the importance of face-to-face relationships. We spend our lives mired in our phones and over the last decade I've become increasingly prone to doomscrolling. Current events are making me feel incredibly nervous and insecure, yet we are seeing disturbing comments and images blasted across social media every minute of every day. Ultimately, social media has become an addiction to me, one where I'm consuming so much time that it's alarming, while the psychological effects have been debilitating. All week, sleep has been the best option, but the nightmares have returned in various flavours. This is putting strain on my relationship - which was already strained enough - while Wolfie is now ill and thus the overwhelming cycle continues. Work is dissatisfying yet I can't seem to break out of this sector and I had another story rejection mid-week which is making me wonder why I bother. The fact that last week was the first full week back to the drudgery of work fills me with dread for the next 12 months and beyond. I also perceive threats everywhere, I've been scared about the weather and how it effects my UK home, and I'm consciously aware I'm overweight and this is affecting my gender dysphoria. The increasingly sadistic attacks against trans people, particularly in the US but also the UK and elsewhere, are starting to get to me too and my mindset has become increasingly bleak. I've just been feeling angry and hopeless all week, with no real constructive outlet. The fact it's dark and mid-January also doesn't help. I've been in a bed a lot as, apart from the nightmares, it's the most comforting place to be. Oh, and for some reason, I've had The Tweenies theme tune stuck in my head for the last 48 hours.
Therefore it was good that Blujay was coming to visit as it allowed me to break out of my restlessness and fug and actually do something constructive. He was meant to arrive at 19:25 on Thursday, but Deutsche Bahn being Deutsche Bahn meant that he didn't arrive until well after 21:00. He was here because he was celebrating a friend's 40th birthday on Friday and needed a place to stay over. As we knew we would get little time to chill as Friday was also a work day, he suggested coming a day early and grabbing a meal somewhere. In the end, that meal was a kebab as it was the only place that was open, but it was good to go back there again (even if the proprietor did think I was Ukrainian rather than British).
Once we had eaten and dropped Blujay's bags off at home, we decided to grab a few drinks. Alas, we couldn't get beyond Spandau, and it being the first week in January, everywhere was either closed (Spandau Bierhaus) or dead (Charlotte). In the end, we ended getting on the U-Bahn to Zitadelle and picking up some Brewdog cans from Kaufland and skid-arsing back home to drink and have a catch-up. We talked about a lot of things, including Destination X and Jet Lag: The Game, while Blujay also took me through the permanent residence application procedure. I did this on Friday and am now waiting to hear back from the authorities.
Wolfie was feeling groggy, a prelude to his illness I feel, so he didn't join us on our walk around Spandau on Thursday night looking for bars. He also worked from home on Friday. I had pointed Blujay in the direction of the Deutsches Teknik Museum but he was tired and it was below freezing outside, so in the end, he just hung around while we took various breaks from work to chat to him. Wolfie also installed the curtains in the office so at least the heat can now be retained, while I can masturbate without the fear of anyone watching me (not that I did this anyway).
Blujay left about 3pm to see his friends and we finished work about three hours later. I was so tired, I ended up going for a nap, then we stayed up and waited for our friend to return. He was out past 3am in the end, despite fearing he may not enjoy the smoky rock and metal bars they had planned to visit. It was good to know that there are some good ones over in the Friedrichshain district and we may have to check them out. Last night, as we waited, Wolfie and I ended up watching train videos and dreaming of holidays. Once Blujay was back, we had another hour of conversation and shared some sour cream and onion Gitters before heading to bed about 4:30am.
Today, we had intended to go to the PladeLu Festival at Columbiahalle, but when checking the website for times, the date said 6 June. I had noticed this when I had been emailed the tickets last week too, but thought it was a mistake. We certainly hadn't received any correspondence about a change of date - or at least I hadn't seen any - but upon checking Eventim, the Columbiahalle official website, and the headline act's site, it was clear that the date had been changed. This was slightly annoying, as although it's a day we can do, we'll have to sacrifice not doing something else, neither of us were feeling too energetic for a seven-hour metal festival. Wolfie in particular, who has spent most of the day in bed with a heavy cold, probably couldn't have done it so the switch is beneficial on that level. I could also have gone to Club Animalz at a push - a last-minute one had been arranged for this evening - but again I don't have the energy. It has meant that I've got nothing on this weekend though, so once Blujay had left at around 1pm (he and his friends are off to visit more rock and metal bars in Leipzig), I ended up going for a walk as it was quite a nice yet very cold winter's day. I feel that the lack of sunlight may be one of the reasons for my depression - a minor one relative to the geopolitical hellscape of the world but every little helps I suppose - plus I need to get more exercise too. I'm glad I went out, even if I did just go straight back to bed shortly afterwards.
It's odd when a friend comes around and leaves at the start of the weekend rather than the end of it. I'm glad Blujay came around though as I needed to remember the importance of face-to-face friendships in a world that's increasingly on fire. I'm not sure what I'll do for the rest of the weekend - it may depend on whether I get sick myself - but the plan tomorrow had been to do some writing. My motivation is low, but I guess we'll see.
Therefore it was good that Blujay was coming to visit as it allowed me to break out of my restlessness and fug and actually do something constructive. He was meant to arrive at 19:25 on Thursday, but Deutsche Bahn being Deutsche Bahn meant that he didn't arrive until well after 21:00. He was here because he was celebrating a friend's 40th birthday on Friday and needed a place to stay over. As we knew we would get little time to chill as Friday was also a work day, he suggested coming a day early and grabbing a meal somewhere. In the end, that meal was a kebab as it was the only place that was open, but it was good to go back there again (even if the proprietor did think I was Ukrainian rather than British).
Once we had eaten and dropped Blujay's bags off at home, we decided to grab a few drinks. Alas, we couldn't get beyond Spandau, and it being the first week in January, everywhere was either closed (Spandau Bierhaus) or dead (Charlotte). In the end, we ended getting on the U-Bahn to Zitadelle and picking up some Brewdog cans from Kaufland and skid-arsing back home to drink and have a catch-up. We talked about a lot of things, including Destination X and Jet Lag: The Game, while Blujay also took me through the permanent residence application procedure. I did this on Friday and am now waiting to hear back from the authorities.
Wolfie was feeling groggy, a prelude to his illness I feel, so he didn't join us on our walk around Spandau on Thursday night looking for bars. He also worked from home on Friday. I had pointed Blujay in the direction of the Deutsches Teknik Museum but he was tired and it was below freezing outside, so in the end, he just hung around while we took various breaks from work to chat to him. Wolfie also installed the curtains in the office so at least the heat can now be retained, while I can masturbate without the fear of anyone watching me (not that I did this anyway).
Blujay left about 3pm to see his friends and we finished work about three hours later. I was so tired, I ended up going for a nap, then we stayed up and waited for our friend to return. He was out past 3am in the end, despite fearing he may not enjoy the smoky rock and metal bars they had planned to visit. It was good to know that there are some good ones over in the Friedrichshain district and we may have to check them out. Last night, as we waited, Wolfie and I ended up watching train videos and dreaming of holidays. Once Blujay was back, we had another hour of conversation and shared some sour cream and onion Gitters before heading to bed about 4:30am.
Today, we had intended to go to the PladeLu Festival at Columbiahalle, but when checking the website for times, the date said 6 June. I had noticed this when I had been emailed the tickets last week too, but thought it was a mistake. We certainly hadn't received any correspondence about a change of date - or at least I hadn't seen any - but upon checking Eventim, the Columbiahalle official website, and the headline act's site, it was clear that the date had been changed. This was slightly annoying, as although it's a day we can do, we'll have to sacrifice not doing something else, neither of us were feeling too energetic for a seven-hour metal festival. Wolfie in particular, who has spent most of the day in bed with a heavy cold, probably couldn't have done it so the switch is beneficial on that level. I could also have gone to Club Animalz at a push - a last-minute one had been arranged for this evening - but again I don't have the energy. It has meant that I've got nothing on this weekend though, so once Blujay had left at around 1pm (he and his friends are off to visit more rock and metal bars in Leipzig), I ended up going for a walk as it was quite a nice yet very cold winter's day. I feel that the lack of sunlight may be one of the reasons for my depression - a minor one relative to the geopolitical hellscape of the world but every little helps I suppose - plus I need to get more exercise too. I'm glad I went out, even if I did just go straight back to bed shortly afterwards.
It's odd when a friend comes around and leaves at the start of the weekend rather than the end of it. I'm glad Blujay came around though as I needed to remember the importance of face-to-face friendships in a world that's increasingly on fire. I'm not sure what I'll do for the rest of the weekend - it may depend on whether I get sick myself - but the plan tomorrow had been to do some writing. My motivation is low, but I guess we'll see.
