Woke Up In A Sorry Little Town

[lupestripe]

I'm having one of those dearths of creativity at the moment, like a writer's block where I have no idea what to write about on LJ.

I think I am just thinking too much about things. It's the same reason why I am feeling mild panic at every social gathering I go to these days - I never felt this before. Perhaps I do care too much about what people think of me. I know it's stupid but I've had this insecurity for as long as I can remember and I always feel I have let people down even though I know deep down I haven't.

Equally one mistake and I castigate myself for it. This then makes me feel I have let others down and then I am on edge. And then I castigate myself for it. It's a perpetual cycle.

I feel alone yet I have more people who care about me now than I have ever had. In fact I am lucky to know you all, true friends, good friends. So this loneliness my mind is creating for myself is a fallacy, a mirage and one I am finding so overwhelmingly frustrating. Perhaps I should stop thinking about things and trying so hard.

Still, realising your failings does allow you to work on them. Now I need to work out how to overcome it. Resorting to alcohol like I have done these last two weeks is probably not the way forward.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Easter, be you Christian, Pagan or just glad to have a little break. I hope to be seeing you all around real soon (and hopefully not panicking about it) *huggles all*

Comments

Re: "We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

Furry is a very broad description that covers a person, a community and a fandom. You have your little niche and you will find your natural place within. What you have little or no interest in you can simply put aside. Not reject nor shun, just not the "things" for you. You are a fursuiter that is for sure and if all you are is that, that's certainly good enough. Remember to pick and choose any and all friends and furiends wisely. Not all are good and kind in this world and furry is still a part of it. Though I will say almost all I have met so far are most of a similar good and kind-hearted nature. We each bring varied interests and attitudes to the proverbial table but at base we are furry first and foremost. I think you almost HAVE to be that way to be a true furry.

I will say though that "drama" does also seem to go hand-in-hand in furrydom! Don't know exactly why but it sure does. Oh well, not that big a problem. Our lives are drama filled. I'd say it's as much as some having an over-sensitivity to things than anything else. Even with all my current personal "sufferings" I know the world isn't out to get me. It just SEEMS like it..... (Humor).

Much furry love to ya', as always!
--Me/Henry

Re: "We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Everyone is individual that is certainly true and they all make up the patchwork community that is the fandom. There are still common interests though, base factors and although I accept that the animal affinity is the main one, and one that I share, others I just don't know anything about. That's not to devalue them, that's merely to say that I have no interest in them. Sad thing is that not having this interest makes me feel left out and that there is something wrong with ME. I guess that's the mindset I need to change. Still, I am a part of this community because I share the fundamental affinity but in life having only one thing in common can only take you so far.

I am quite good at escaping drama really. Yep I have my problems but I am not argumentative, I don't really have strong opinions and I don't deliberately piss people off. I haven't had any major issues on that one, my main failing is that I get a little drunk from time to time and this makes me morose. But I guess if that's the worst I go, it can't be too bad.

It's not that the world is out to get me, I feel that I am out to get myself. It's like my mind doesn't think I deserve all I have so it focuses on the few things that are wrong and amplifies them, blowing them out of proportion. These things consume me and this is the basis of my sadness. I guess if I sort that out then that'd be the key. I know I am a good guy just sometimes I get consumed with strong negative feelings toward myself.

Much love to ya too hun *hugs*

Might I only add....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

That you can't be left out of things you have no interest in. In example, for myself I never got the "sports gene". I just don't have any real interest. I can be around others and might even just know a little bit about something that I could relate to. But, overall, it's a "I couldn't care less" personal mind set. I've never felt left out because of this, because I simply just don't care...about sports...ha,ha!

Also, remember that if that "one thing" is a deep-seated desire, want or drive, you can take that farther than you could ever imagine. A deep and fulfilling passion is not just for lovers but can be for a thing or a cause. Trust me in that!

If it ever becomes possible, I definitely want to have some drinks with you. And getting drunk together would be quite ok too! Many furry hugs!

--Me/Henry

Re: Might I only add....

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

I see your logic there but when you are in a group of people who all share a common interest that you don't share, sometimes it's really frustrating. If you bullshit, you get found out, if you say nothing you feel stupid. I know I should adopt the "couldn't care less" mindset but I find this difficult for some reason. I think I am too sensitive and expect too much of myself.

I agree about deep-seated desires, I have a major problem being assured about things though. There's stuff I want to follow it's just finding the time that's the key. I know it's a lame excuse but my workload is silly at the moment.

Drinks will definitely happen hun, I will hopefully be making my way over to FC next year. Whatever happens I'll definitely fly over to California to meet you, it would be an honour :)

Re: Might I only add....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

"I shall start a appropriate slush fund immediately to cover said drunkenness!"
--Me/Henry