Woke Up In A Sorry Little Town

[lupestripe]

I'm having one of those dearths of creativity at the moment, like a writer's block where I have no idea what to write about on LJ.

I think I am just thinking too much about things. It's the same reason why I am feeling mild panic at every social gathering I go to these days - I never felt this before. Perhaps I do care too much about what people think of me. I know it's stupid but I've had this insecurity for as long as I can remember and I always feel I have let people down even though I know deep down I haven't.

Equally one mistake and I castigate myself for it. This then makes me feel I have let others down and then I am on edge. And then I castigate myself for it. It's a perpetual cycle.

I feel alone yet I have more people who care about me now than I have ever had. In fact I am lucky to know you all, true friends, good friends. So this loneliness my mind is creating for myself is a fallacy, a mirage and one I am finding so overwhelmingly frustrating. Perhaps I should stop thinking about things and trying so hard.

Still, realising your failings does allow you to work on them. Now I need to work out how to overcome it. Resorting to alcohol like I have done these last two weeks is probably not the way forward.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Easter, be you Christian, Pagan or just glad to have a little break. I hope to be seeing you all around real soon (and hopefully not panicking about it) *huggles all*

Comments

[shep-shepherd.livejournal.com]

You aren't the only one who thinks this way. I have done so for as long as I can remember :/

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

It's so frustrating though when life is as best as it's ever been yet all you catch yourself doing is waiting for it to go wrong, or questioning yourself saying you don't deserve everything you have. Grr pyschology sucks!!

[rainbow-lioness.livejournal.com]

Hope you have a good weekend too.

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Hope yours was relaxing hun. Sorry I couldn't make it over to Sheffield, circumstance caught up with me last week (along with work - I worked 15 days straight) which meant I didn't have time to arrange anything. I will be there really soon though, promise *hugs*

[kajidog.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

If you ever find a solution .. let me know !!!

I always thought it was a good thing, realising your failings (and hoping to work on them) .. in comparison to most people who seem not to care. But then, maybe that's what separates me from them - like if only I stopped caring about what's wrong with my life maybe I'd feel happier. Eh. I dunno.

Alcohol can be kinda helpful yeah =).

What I find also helps is talking about it (which you've done by posting, awesome that) and taking your mind off it by doing fun things that keep you busy. Cuddling with someone and exercise are my favourites but not getting too much of the former being so isolated ;/.

I think I wouldn't feel so insecure if I had more meaningful RL friendships that weren't based on superficial bullshit, still working on that one.

Have a great Easter mohawk pup!

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

It's weird. I am sure everyone else has their own battles and their own inner turmoil, I guess people deal with it in different ways. Some are very insular, some are very extrovert, some turn to drink or drugs etc etc.

Sometimes I use alcohol to help me understand things as it does give me greater clarity. Problem is sometimes I use it as a means of escape and as alcohol tends to heighten my own sense of emotion, using it as an escape route is never a good thing.

I agree with you about sharing problems but then I feel like a burden. I know real friends are there to help you through the difficult parts in life and I would always help a friend in need but sometimes you think you just piss off those you love by being constantly morose or contemplative.

The problem with me often goes down to too much time to think. From that point of view, cuddling, exercise etc are good ways forward.

Friendships are an important cornerstone in life and one I greatly treasure. I hope you consider me a good friend :)

[kajidog.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I barely know ya =p but we'll get there don't worry hehe.

Interesting that you get clarity from booze .. I didn't really find that .. I was drinking a bunch last year, kind of to de-stress from uni when I got home and to make sure my brain switched off for a bit instead of panicking about exams and life and other various things.

Erf, anyway, looks like you have a bunch of supportive friends who will tell you if it's ever a problem =).

take care ! x
-k

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

It'd be cool to meet up some time hun lol and you can learn a lot from someone through LJ and IMs. Indeed a lot of my closest furiends have come from these pages hehe.

Sometimes I get clarity, sometimes I get more confused. I think my problem is that I am one huge ball of worry and confusion, I tend to worry about things where there is nothing to worry about. Problem is when you use it to de-stress like I do, you feel shite the next day and then the frustration and stress comes back twice as strong.

Supportive friends are always good, I just fear I am pissing them off too much. That neuroses sucks :(

"We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

Rest assured, you are a great person and fur! Although I can't actually meet with you in person, with our many IM chats I know you well. (As YOU do me.) You are so open-minded and of good and caring character. I'd say it's more of your being still "unsure" (if that's the right word to describe it)of your coming in and fitting into the furry fandom. We have shared many thoughts on many things and have found much common ground to agree upon. If we do have different thoughts on something we are each respectful of the other's views. Yes, we may be miles apart in both distance and ages, but I ASSURE you I feel so very close to you on so many levels. Hugs, furry of course!

Also, life is so difficult for so many right now. As you know with me, my life is basic pure existence right now. Life currently holds very few joys. In situations like this it is expected to be morose and down. Who wants to just exist? One survives, somehow, but wonders if it's even worth it at the same time. Ya' know?

--Me/Henry

Re: "We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

I have always thought that empathy is the most important characteristic to share. If you don't have that then it's hard to know what makes you human as this is such a fundamental trait when it comes to friendship. To this end, to be kind, caring and open-minded is the only way that one should be and it is something I strive towards every single day.

When it comes to me fitting into the fandom, part of my problem is that I have been focusing on what's wrong with it rather than what's right. There are a myriad of different personalities out there and I have some very good friends here. My brain so often deceives me so when I hear talk of things I know little about (e.g. gaming, computers etc) I feel I don't belong because I don't have that empathy for those things. Yet I have empathy with others on other often deeper things but sometimes my mind clouds this. As you say, some of it is starting to accept who I am. Things are moving in the right direction but in some psychological senses I am casting off the chattels of twenty-five years of feeling inferior, and that is tough.

Life is a mixture of the good times and the bad and I am sure that you will come through your current situation. I will be there to help you all that I can hun, even if it is someone to vent your frustrations at. I hope things are getting better hun *hugs*

Re: "We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

Furry is a very broad description that covers a person, a community and a fandom. You have your little niche and you will find your natural place within. What you have little or no interest in you can simply put aside. Not reject nor shun, just not the "things" for you. You are a fursuiter that is for sure and if all you are is that, that's certainly good enough. Remember to pick and choose any and all friends and furiends wisely. Not all are good and kind in this world and furry is still a part of it. Though I will say almost all I have met so far are most of a similar good and kind-hearted nature. We each bring varied interests and attitudes to the proverbial table but at base we are furry first and foremost. I think you almost HAVE to be that way to be a true furry.

I will say though that "drama" does also seem to go hand-in-hand in furrydom! Don't know exactly why but it sure does. Oh well, not that big a problem. Our lives are drama filled. I'd say it's as much as some having an over-sensitivity to things than anything else. Even with all my current personal "sufferings" I know the world isn't out to get me. It just SEEMS like it..... (Humor).

Much furry love to ya', as always!
--Me/Henry

Re: "We can be our worst enemy" most of the time....

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Everyone is individual that is certainly true and they all make up the patchwork community that is the fandom. There are still common interests though, base factors and although I accept that the animal affinity is the main one, and one that I share, others I just don't know anything about. That's not to devalue them, that's merely to say that I have no interest in them. Sad thing is that not having this interest makes me feel left out and that there is something wrong with ME. I guess that's the mindset I need to change. Still, I am a part of this community because I share the fundamental affinity but in life having only one thing in common can only take you so far.

I am quite good at escaping drama really. Yep I have my problems but I am not argumentative, I don't really have strong opinions and I don't deliberately piss people off. I haven't had any major issues on that one, my main failing is that I get a little drunk from time to time and this makes me morose. But I guess if that's the worst I go, it can't be too bad.

It's not that the world is out to get me, I feel that I am out to get myself. It's like my mind doesn't think I deserve all I have so it focuses on the few things that are wrong and amplifies them, blowing them out of proportion. These things consume me and this is the basis of my sadness. I guess if I sort that out then that'd be the key. I know I am a good guy just sometimes I get consumed with strong negative feelings toward myself.

Much love to ya too hun *hugs*

Might I only add....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

That you can't be left out of things you have no interest in. In example, for myself I never got the "sports gene". I just don't have any real interest. I can be around others and might even just know a little bit about something that I could relate to. But, overall, it's a "I couldn't care less" personal mind set. I've never felt left out because of this, because I simply just don't care...about sports...ha,ha!

Also, remember that if that "one thing" is a deep-seated desire, want or drive, you can take that farther than you could ever imagine. A deep and fulfilling passion is not just for lovers but can be for a thing or a cause. Trust me in that!

If it ever becomes possible, I definitely want to have some drinks with you. And getting drunk together would be quite ok too! Many furry hugs!

--Me/Henry

Re: Might I only add....

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

I see your logic there but when you are in a group of people who all share a common interest that you don't share, sometimes it's really frustrating. If you bullshit, you get found out, if you say nothing you feel stupid. I know I should adopt the "couldn't care less" mindset but I find this difficult for some reason. I think I am too sensitive and expect too much of myself.

I agree about deep-seated desires, I have a major problem being assured about things though. There's stuff I want to follow it's just finding the time that's the key. I know it's a lame excuse but my workload is silly at the moment.

Drinks will definitely happen hun, I will hopefully be making my way over to FC next year. Whatever happens I'll definitely fly over to California to meet you, it would be an honour :)

Re: Might I only add....

[mefurry.livejournal.com]

"I shall start a appropriate slush fund immediately to cover said drunkenness!"
--Me/Henry

[balto-mike.livejournal.com]

Your a good person, I should know...I am a little too selfless myself at times.

I don't feel bad you have to put yourself first, and I hope you can be creative again as I hate it when I feel like that. Happened to me recently as I am sure you've noticed and it got me right down.

I tried to give you a call on your home phone, guess you weren't about, might try later. Hope you have a good easter, take care hon! *Hugs*

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Heya hun, my home phone doesn't seem to want to accept incoming calls so I may not have realised it was you. I have been working silly hours again of late though (which isn't helping the creativity) so it is also highly likely I was in the office.

I used to be really creative but then I had the time back then. I am hoping soon I will have the time again and it will start to flow again. Creativity is weird though as when you force it, it never works but when you just sit there relaxed, it flows quite easily.

[schnee.livejournal.com]

Alcohol is not a solution at all, no. *hugs tight* I agree that trying too hard can be a problem, though; no matter how many friends you have, sometimes, you also need some time for yourself. I can't really suggest much, given that I don't know enough about your situation, your life, what you like, your hobbies, your job and all that, but if you need someone to talk, I'm here. And if you want to take a break from everything for a while, I - and I'm sure all you other friends as well - will absolutely understand, so no worries about what people might think or feel, then. *nuzzle* Hang in there, eh?

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Heya hun, thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated and I hope you know I am always here for you too :)

I fear people would forget about me if I left the fandom for a short while, even though deep down I doubt that this would be the case. Still the fandom is very important to me and so I doubt I will just leave.

I think my main problem is the silly hours I have been working as this has stopped me from doing a lot of the things I would like to. Still, come May that should change. This has affected my mental state as I am so often tired. I also am a little possessive and sensitive - these are two things that need to be changed lest my paranoia undoes all the good stuff that has happened to me of late.

[schnee.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* Thank you, hon... that's good to know. *s*

Mm, I didn't mean leaving the fandom, actually - just taking a break from Livejournal, IM messaging and so on. I think doing so can help if you're feeling stressed (it does for me, at least), and I also know that people won't just forget you.

And yeah, silly hours (I assume that means working at night?) can be a problem. *scritches* I hope things will look better for you soon, wuffie.

[fen-ra.livejournal.com]

I reckon you need some 'you time'. (Not in a dirty way. ^^) Have a relaxing weekend dude. *Hugs.*

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

I think you're right, the problem is that when I relax, I tend to think about things and that only makes it worse. Hmm, this weekend was fun with Wolfie although I only really had all of today off. It was great just lounging watching Family Guy though, although I am still knackered after the 15 days I have just worked.

I hope your Easter was fun :)

[marston.livejournal.com]

Hope you have a good relaxing remainder of the weekend, Lupe! Sorry I missed you today and hope I didn't derail any plans you might've had.

[lupestripe.livejournal.com]

Heya hun, no worries, it didn't derail anything at all. I just wish my phone was excepting incoming calls, I think that was the basis of the problem.

It was a shame we couldn't see you though, it would have been cool to meet. Perhaps next time though, and there's always the Newcastle meet :)